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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 18, 2004, at 19:07:58
That's always a sticky subject for me, since I'm the changeling in a family of Human Steamrollers. I can set boundaries with them, but the pressure always increases in response, and many times they simply do not accept "no" as an answer. Now, sometimes I can manage to hold the lines, but often they just break through -- leaving me feeling pretty well destroyed as often as not.
As far as my family goes, I think that they have to remain a practice ground for me. They'll never change, so I can just practice setting the walls and building them up again after they've been torn down -- over and over again. (You'd think they'd get bored, wouldn't you?)
The problem is that I'm well trained in accepting that lack of respect, so I find myself recreating this pattern with others. Nowadays, I can often meet the first onslaught with a quiet setting of boundaries, but if that doesn't work, my fortress walls collapse again. It's partly that whole thing of fear -- "give in now, and it will be less painful in the end." But it's also not wanting to hurt someone else, wanting to "be nice", not wanting to "get in trouble", etc.
One area where this has come up is with people who come into my life and seem to want to smother me. People who will try to solve all my problems -- usually by applying pressure to me to do something that might work for them, but doesn't fit me; or people who are lonely and just want to glom on to *anyone* and find me first; or people who see me as so feeble that they can manipulate me into any form they choose. And then, of course, there are the Politically/Psychologically Correct folks who still don't see why anyone should have any privacy -- "Tell me why you aren't smiling today? You must have some problem that you *must* tell me about?" (Or, in my case, it's often questions about my weight -- "you're so thin, what's wrong with you?")
So, who here has any input?
(NB: yes, this is a real issue for me, but it's also a way of trying to get an honest to gonest post up here! What a good idea this board is. Thank you Dr Bob.)
Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2004, at 19:30:04
In reply to Question about boundaries?, posted by Racer on September 18, 2004, at 19:07:58
Good question. I've worked forever on this with my therapist, and I've gotten good with my parents. Which is probably because I have complete mobility when I'm with them and can just hang up or walk out.
I'm still lousy with other people though. And the less intimate I am with them the lousier I am. I can't bring myself to be impolite to acquaintances or strangers. Fortunately my standard default public demeanor is a vague unfocused stare, which puts off comment nicely, and can become even vaguer and more unfocused if someone is pushy anyway. If I'm feeling more robust I'm capable of an "I beg your pardon." With a period, not a question mark. But that rarely works because people don't notice the difference between a period and question mark.
I even had a toucher at work. "Accidental" brushes, stuff like that. I just took it. A coworker had a terrific surprised scream and jump. I wish I were a better actor. But me, I just took it and avoided.
I'll be interested if anyone has any polite but not embarassing ways of drawing boundaries with those you aren't intimate enough with to tell them to back off.
Posted by terrics on September 19, 2004, at 8:25:06
In reply to Question about boundaries?, posted by Racer on September 18, 2004, at 19:07:58
From the other side: I tend to be more the clingy type. I have learned when to back off though. If people do not call me back after the second try I give up...so don't return calls. Other times people are overly polite and I get the hint. You can say things like 'I am unable to to help you with, to accomadate you, meet you, all work too.' I try everything twice. Then I realize there is no friendship or anything else, except maybe a professional work relationship. [A nod of the head in passing] terrics good luck
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 19, 2004, at 13:57:39
In reply to Question about boundaries?, posted by Racer on September 18, 2004, at 19:07:58
Posted by shrinking violet on September 19, 2004, at 18:53:30
In reply to Re: Question about boundaries? » Racer, posted by terrics on September 19, 2004, at 8:25:06
hm, interesting....
I'm very much a "people-pleaser," and I'll pretty much do anything for anyone if asked. Usually, though, this turns into a habit that spirals out of hand, and before I know it, I'm constantly doing things for others, whether I truly want to or not, and eventually they almost seem to expect me to help them out, which makes it a lot harder to say no (and gives a more negative reaction when I finally do try to draw some boundaries, usually because I end up feeling resentful and unappreciated). I guess I need to somehow find a middle ground....I think right now, I'm pretty much okay since I'm focusing on myself more (mostly out of necessity), and I've carefully stepped away from some people who were asking too much of me. But, I still feel guilty, and it's hard to come up with a way to help them when I can, but let them know that I can't always do it (or be expected to). It sounds easier than it is, though.
Posted by B2Chica on September 21, 2004, at 14:33:06
In reply to Question about boundaries?, posted by Racer on September 18, 2004, at 19:07:58
wow, had to look twice at the name of poster cuz i would SWEAR "I" wrote this.
I'll be honest i still don't really understad about this 'boundry' thing. it doesn't make sense to me cuz...well it just confuses and upsets me. as soon as i get set up with a new T this is #1 on my list of 1000. so if i get some info i'll list helps.
> One area where this has come up is with people who come into my life and seem to want to smother me. People who will try to solve all my problems -- usually by applying pressure to me to do something that might work for them, but doesn't fit me; or people who are lonely and just want to glom on to *anyone* and find me first; or people who see me as so feeble that they can manipulate me into any form they choose. And then, of course, there are the Politically/Psychologically Correct folks who still don't see why anyone should have any privacy --!!!!!!
"Tell me why you aren't smiling today? You must have some problem that you *must* tell me about?" (Or, in my case, it's often questions about my weight -- "you're so thin, what's wrong with you?")
!!!!!and let me add- "you don't even have any curves anymore, you look like a 12yr old boy", "you look sickly" (which i don't!), "why don't you eat?-after eating small portions/not abnormal just small, it's like if i don't eat an entire lb of beef i'm not eating!
oh, and then there's the ever present "are you depressed right now? talk to me" "what's bothering you" (i want to scream YOU! get out of my face!)
geees!again, i had to double check the poster name Racer, can i just copy and paste my name to your post and say DITTO!
here's to us figuring out this 'boundry' thing and cautiously dealing with people!
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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