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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 13, 2004, at 9:28:18
It seems to me, and please feel free to corrent me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that men seem to be much more callous than women. It seems so easy for them to be selfish and not think they are. It seems so easy for them to move on to someone else and not care how they have hurt the one they left behind. "Is no word from you the best that you can do?" A line from another of my favorite songs by Hal Ketchum. I don't remember the name of the song, and no Dr. Bob I don't really want to link it to Amazon, sorry, don't feel much like sharing sad songs this morning.
I left work yesterday very early, got the flu from thankless hubby. Went home to find a note that he was out, would be back later on in the evening, and would bring home supper.
I layed in bed all day between bathroom runs. He called at 9, talked to the kids. My daughter swears she told him I was very sick. Still, no supper was brought home, and it was after 12 when he came strolling in. Too bad there was no bile left in me.
I just don't understand how men can be so self serving while we are supposed to never be sick, and when we are either physically or emotionally sick, they want to know why we can't just get over it quicker.
I don't understand how a man can tell a woman that she is the most important thing in his life, that he loves her with ALL his heart, that he will wait for her forever, that she is the reason he is alive, that she is his angel, that she is beautiful, that he will NEVER want or love someone else, that she is and will always be the only one for him, and then just leave for another.
Forever...Forever...Forever..........
God there were so many things he said to me that were special and keep repeating themselves in my head.......I don't understand how someone can say those things to a woman and then begin a relationship with someone else and not tell me. No word, just moved on. Then when word did come, it was half-hearted, half-baked, half-said. How can men be so mean? I would have given up everything to be with him, everything, life, home, marriage, kids..............I loved him that much. Why do men say those things and then seem to not have ever meant them. Why can't men be men and say what needs to be said. and do it in person or at least on the phone......why can't they say, "I love you, but I don't think this is working out for us." or " I just didn't really love you like I thought I did"
No word from you is so mean. Why are you so mean? Why could't we part as friends? Why does it have to be this way? Why does home have to be worse now that I don't have you to turn to? Why did I believe you when you said those things? Why am I the one who had a nervouse breakdown, and you went on your merry way with someone else.....who just happens to look somewhat like me and act somewhat like me. Did you replace me with another me? What do your friends think? You told me they liked me and hoped we could make it work. You told me they thought she was no good for you. What do they think now? What do you think now? Do you ever EVER feel bad that you said those things to me and now don't even want to talk to me? Does it EVER bother you that you said somethings to me that you didn't mean? Are all men like you?
In all this heartache, I really, really wanted (after the affair was over) I really wanted to try to make a life with the man I married, but I don't see how, when he seems to be as callous as all the rest of the men I have ever met.
I really don't see a reason to be here, really don't. I can't come up with one thing to write on my therapy homework of 4 things each day to give myself credit for. I just really don't. I am such a nothing. I am nothing to you and nothing to him, and why do I care?
Posted by AdaGrace on October 13, 2004, at 10:49:12
In reply to Why Does It Seem Men Are The Callous Ones?, posted by AdaGrace on October 13, 2004, at 9:28:18
I guess I need to explain that the previous post was really a letter I wanted to send to the "other guy", but wasn't supposed to, since he wouldn't have read it anyway, or I guess cared what it said if I did send it.
Just explaining. Don't really know what else to say.
Sorry
Posted by dazedandconfused on October 13, 2004, at 11:53:22
In reply to Sorry, posted by AdaGrace on October 13, 2004, at 10:49:12
Ada,
I can so relate to your posts. I wrote you a lengthy reply on the Newbies board (where you first posted), but it wouldn't post becuase I wasn't a newbie. I so relate. Sad news is I am still suffering. Relationship started six years ago, has ended several times but always starts up again for a brief time. Nothing really ever happened physically and we haven't seen each other in four years. Just occasional phone calls and emails. I truly feel I will never get over it. And I am married to a wonderful man who has supported me unconditionally through my depression. He has no idea about the relationship and would probably leave me if he did. I haven't worked in almost five years. So I feel really low. I have no idea how to get over the guilt. It seems like I do for a while, and have gone an entire year without talking to him. But I call, or write, we get along for a few short weeks. And he rejects me. It just reopens the wound.I can so relate to the pain in your posts. But you are worthy. You are able to work. You have children who depend on you and love you. You do have a husband that you may work things out with.
Hopefully someone out there can give us both some words of advice.
dazed
Posted by AdaGrace on October 13, 2004, at 12:49:00
In reply to Re: Sorry, posted by dazedandconfused on October 13, 2004, at 11:53:22
The things you say remind me of how I feel. I don't see me ever really getting over this. I don't know if my heart will ever mend. I truely thought and still think that he is my soul mate. We come from such different worlds, such different lifestyles, such different backgrounds, and such different areas. In my heart I don't care about all of that. I don't care about his faults, I love him completely. I have never loved someone that way. He said the same thing. Did he mean it? I thought so. Now I don't know. A friend of mine said maybe he did. Someone on here said he didn't want my baggage. I realize that. IF I was free would he still want me? Not sure anymore. He says he loves the one he is with. Does he? Maybe. I told him I didn't believe someone could love more than one person at the same time. He didn't agree, others may not as well, but that is how I feel. I love him completely. I just couldn't give him what he wanted and needed at the time. Said he would wait, but he couldn't. Even though he hurts me time and time again, and now has shattered my heart, I still love him comepletely. Isn't that sad. I see it as a sad sad existence. Really Sad. Emotional Breakdown. That is what I am in. I don't see tomorrow, because I can't get through today. Everything I told him about how I felt was the truth, I told him that time and time again. I never played a game about my feelings for him. Now I wonder because of lack of contact that he did. I wonder if anything he said was the truth. That is what hurts the most right now. It hurts so much to think that he said what he said and didn't mean it and I was just too stupid not to know better. I feel foolish. I feel broken. People say it will get better, but I don't see it. I read books about how to let go, and I just can't make it work. If things were wonderful at home, maybe. Maybe I could see the validity of my marriage. But they aren't. My therapist wants me to not think about the other guy or my husband but to work on myself. That's pretty hard to do when all I can think about is him. Does he know how bad he has hurt me? Maybe. Does he know how very much I love him? Yes, I think he does. Does it matter? NO.
Posted by just plain jane on October 13, 2004, at 20:24:47
In reply to Re: Sorry, posted by AdaGrace on October 13, 2004, at 12:49:00
In my life I have felt as you describe. And repeated it yet again. And again.
Having your therapist tell you to work on yourself and not think about the men seems to be such a joke, doesn't it? But...
Through several years of physical pain I learned that I could function to my physical capacity anyway. I could accomplish things despite the pain, as long as I would not be Causing Further Harm To Myself.
When I realized I could do that, I realized the practice would also apply to the emotional wounds I had inflicted on myself by having those relationships.
Through incessant practice and exercise of my stubbornness (some call it willpower - lol) I have found that I can, indeed, work on my needs, my reconstruction, my growth. In spite of the pain I endure, I must take care of myself. For if I do not have me, me cannot enjoy anyone else.
Hope my rambling makes sense to someone like it does to me.
just plain disordered jane
Posted by alesta on October 13, 2004, at 21:59:53
In reply to Why Does It Seem Men Are The Callous Ones?, posted by AdaGrace on October 13, 2004, at 9:28:18
hi adagrace,
i couldn't get through your post in its entirety because i found it so depressing..so i can imagine how you must feel.
try not to make global assumptions here, such as implicating men as the bad guys in relationships. this kind of thinking could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you have such an unbelievable amount of negativity right now..and i feel for you..i agree with jane. i think you could work on self-development so as to avoid another bad situation with a man in the future. i am continually working on becoming a better person..with that comes strength and the ability to be on my own if need be. you need to learn to be okay with you right now. i know you're going through a lot of heartache currently, and this may all sound like a bunch of gibberish to you right now, but try and embrace the heartache, not the negative thoughts and feelings. try and stop these negative thoughts in their tracks. negativity attracts negativity. i would take the focus off of men, and place it on yourself. this way no one can let you down. love thyself..:)
take good care,
amy
Posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 10:40:13
In reply to Why Does It Seem Men Are The Callous Ones?, posted by AdaGrace on October 13, 2004, at 9:28:18
Posted by moime on October 14, 2004, at 20:24:19
In reply to Okay, Just the Ones I know (nm), posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 10:40:13
I sure know my fair share of callous men. Love em and leave em type and some. It must be that I have something to do with it, meeting men with no deep feelings. I wonder what you and I have in common personality-wise AdaGrace...that would give me some credence to my thoughts...hope this post finds you better...I feel for you....now..how do you meet people in general? I am starting a new job and hope to make new friends...so far, with all the work I am doing at school, I THINK I am associating with people who communicate on the same level...hate to speak too soon. Maybe it's all about being with people like yourself - yourself AFTER you improve I mean!
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 9:29:17
In reply to Re: Okay, Just the Ones I know, posted by moime on October 14, 2004, at 20:24:19
I'm really not good at meeting people. That is why I did the internet thing. I have a serious self esteem problem, don't feel good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, worthy enough. Therapist says that is why I got involved with the affair.
Seem to me that you might be younger than me. I'm almost 40, and really don't know myself how to meet new people. I wish you luck though. It probably is hard in this day and age. I wouldn't want to go to bars all the time, and church just really seems to be a joke at the moment for me, so I don't know......coffee shop? grocery store? Park? I don't know.
Posted by AdaGrace on October 15, 2004, at 9:30:17
In reply to Okay, Just the Ones I know (nm), posted by AdaGrace on October 14, 2004, at 10:40:13
This is the end of the thread.
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