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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 2, 2004, at 6:18:16
My boyfriend just went to work, and I'm sitting here with bronchitis and a throat inflammation. I don't have a fever, but I feel trashed, and just going to the bathroom makes me dizzy. My daughter of one and a half year is currently asleep, my boyfriend put her to bed for her daily nap before he left... but I must say I feel quite anxious about her waking up. My bf stayed home longer than usual, took her out to play etc before he went to work, and he won't be away for more than 6-7 hours... but still I keep feeling that his job is more important than both me and his daughter.
At the same time I feel bad about feeling this, because we are in desperate need of the money he is earning at his job, since I am currently studying and we hardly have an income. And since a child is requiring a bit extra, he already have a bit too many days off, so it wouldn't be good if he stayed home another day. But I also know that if he had been this sick, he would expect me to take care of our daughter that day instead of paying attention to my studies...
Now, my studies don't give income here and now, but as soon as I am done with them I can get a job again that is good payed, and we both will have an income. So I keep feeling that it is unfair that my studies are so much less important... in the long run they are... as it is, now it will take me longer to regain strength from my sickness, and thereby longer before I can consentrate about my studies. I have an important exam in less than a month, and I'm not only loosing a lot of time on being sick myself, but also all the time when our child are sick and when my bf is sick. I am also struggling with recurring major depression (ICD-10, F33.-), which makes it more difficult to study. But I try. Still the fact is that I have hardly been able to read, I simply don't have the time.
My daughter is in the kindergarten two days a week, and I am supposed to read those two days, and in the weekends. I do this as often as I can, but because of the new bacteria and virus environment my daughter is roaming in in the kindergarten, we are continuously sick. In addition my bf makes me feel bad if I'd rather want to read for my exams in the weekends instead of using at least one day for family activities... well, I should join... I will never get back this time with my daughter... but still, I keep feeling I will never be able to finish these studies, never able to get a degree, not even after all these years at university.
Is this feelings just total selfishness and spoiledness from me? Is it wrong of me to expect that my bf takes more care of me when I'm sick, and that he values my studies as important as his job?
Don't misunderstand, I have been bringing this up with him, repeatedly. Every time this happen. And he listen to me, and we have good talks, and he is interested in my feelings an dall. He is a very intelligent man that I know care about me and my studies... but I still keep feeling that he sometimes, when it's most important, forget it?
Last time he did something similar I snapped completely and told him that I didn't want to see him ever again, we had a proper talk. I thought he understood me then, and how difficult I feel it is to take care of our precious daughter when I am sick... after all, she is a very active girl, and requires a lot of attention. But now I sit here again, in my comfy chair, feeling like I've been hit of a freight train, and dreading the time she wakes up. I don't have a voice at all, I cough untill I gag, my nose is stuck, my throat is stuck, I have a headache, and in general... I don't really feel well.
Am I just a selfish little prick feeling sorry for myself?
Posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 2, 2004, at 16:10:27
In reply to Am I just selfish and unfair? (very long), posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 2, 2004, at 6:18:16
I put my daughter to bed at some point, unavailable to take care of her on a proper way. She didn't object, but went to sleep almost immediately, so I popped off to bed myself and fell asleep completely exhausted. An hour later my bf comes home, and wakes me up to confront me of whether I am pissed off at him because he went to work. I try to convey that I am very tired, but he goes on with that I have to understand that he has to go to work. I just reply that right now I don't understand this, and he then asks what are we going to do about that. At that time I had reached the point were I couldnt really keep talking, and asked him to please leave me alone since I am sick and I don't feel like talking about this now. Which he responds in a very sarcastic way that he suppose I never want to discuss this and leaves.
I am really upset, and hurt. I have had some kind of virus all the time for the last month, I don't have any more strength to take from. And I'm still wondering if I feel like this just because I am spoiled, and that in a relationship you have to give a bit more than I have done. Please, someone?
Posted by Colleen D. on November 2, 2004, at 19:28:49
In reply to Am I just selfish and unfair? (very long), posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 2, 2004, at 6:18:16
It is VERY difficult for me to take care of my children when I am sick, and I think sometimes men just don't fully comprehend the challenge it can be to take care of young children even when you're not sick. I would say that you are lucky that he has helped as much as he has because my husband of 9 years does much less to help me with our 3 little ones, ages 5, 2 and 1 on a daily basis. I also tend to feel sorry for myself when I'm ill and then seem to do better with those kinds of thoughts when I'm back to my healthier self. All I can say and I hope it's some comfort to you is that IT WILL GET BETTER! Children grow and become less dependent on us and our lives changes constantly. Try to keep your chin up and appreciate that your boyfriend is working hard to support his family and trying to do what he can at home too. I think you'll feel better soon - when you're able to put more time into your studies!
Hugs,
Colleen
Posted by dazedandconfused on November 2, 2004, at 19:36:39
In reply to Am I just selfish and unfair? (very long), posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 2, 2004, at 6:18:16
Hi there,
First of all I don't think youare selfish and unfair. I think you are sick and feeling down in general. I commend you for trying to study and care for your child. It does sound like your boyfriend is trying to be as supportive as possible. And the reality is that he needs to go to work to help support the family. Is there any way you could maybe hire a sitter for a few hours a day? Or use some type of daycare for awhile? I don't know if this is feasible financially or not, but it would take some of the strain off of you even when you are up and feeling better.Lastly, make sure you do some take some time off from your studies and childrearing responsibilities. Otherwise, you may burnout...take it from someone who knows.
Take care,
dazed
Posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 3, 2004, at 1:23:42
In reply to Re: Am I just selfish and unfair? (very long) » Crazy_Charlie, posted by Colleen D. on November 2, 2004, at 19:28:49
Thank you for respons.
My bf is very good in helping me on a regular basis. We are very much equal in taking care of our daughter. He knows very well how much it takes to take care of her, since he has had her alone for 2 weeks. The reason I reacted so much this time, was simply that I couldn't take care of her, I was too sick... I drifted in and out of sleep, I didn't always know where she was and what she was doing. I lost my temper several times (without doing anything but yelling, but I still think that is too much), and today my daughter don't want to look at me, and start crying if I touch her. I don't know. I just know that if I had been working and he were supposed to be home with her, I would have taken the day off. Not necessarily because of him, but simply because I wouldn't leave my daughter with someone who can't even take proper care of themselves.
Posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 3, 2004, at 1:32:50
In reply to Re: Am I just selfish and unfair? (very long), posted by dazedandconfused on November 2, 2004, at 19:36:39
Hi and thank you for your response.
We do have daycare twice a week, but for a full time study that's not really enough.
I am aware that he has to work, but I am also aware that his insurance company is covering it if he stays home from work because he of some reason have to take care of his daughter, so financially I don't really think he has an excuse.... I guess it's his reputation at work he is afarid of. I don't really know, the system here is so totally different from what I know.On a normal basis I would call a friend of ours and ask her to babysit for a few ours, but she's on a month holiday in the US. Other than that, I hardly know anyone here since its not that long since I moved here.
Yes. I know what you mean with burnout, and I know I'm running a risk for it...simply becaus eit's not long ago since I had a total breakdown.... something like a year ago. If it hadn't been for the fact that I am sick all the time, it would have been a perfect arangment we have now.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to find reasons to move back to my homecountry, where I would have a total different network around me.
This is the end of the thread.
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