![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by libbyann on November 22, 2004, at 17:06:30
I had a verbally abusive boyfriend/fiancee a couple of years ago. That relationship is over now (thank God), but now I'm in a new relationship w/ a man who is 100% opposite of the abuser. I'm now in therapy because I have intimacy issues. If anyone out there understands or relates, will you talk with me about it? There's so much that goes through my mind: am I having panic attacks because this guy is the wrong one or because I'm scared to death of being close to someone? The anxiety and panic makes me feel really distant from him (and everyone else for that matter). Anyone out there relate? Reply please!
Posted by sunny10 on November 22, 2004, at 18:08:05
In reply to Abusive boyfriend..., posted by libbyann on November 22, 2004, at 17:06:30
I have been in your shoes. I can honestly say that I am still getting over that. It was about eight years ago.
I can offer you only what I am trying myself. I am trying to logically think through what was said/done before I respond to any "confrontational situation". Now, this being said, the confrontation could be little more than a debate- and the "when I can logically talk about it is sometimes a few days later... but my significant other works through this with me!!
Good luck,
sunny10
Posted by libbyann on November 22, 2004, at 18:12:30
In reply to Re: Abusive boyfriend..., posted by sunny10 on November 22, 2004, at 18:08:05
Thanks for your input. My significant other should win awards for patience... He's really been great while I try to figure all this out. I just wonder if I'm pushing away from him because of the past or if I'm pushing away because I want to be out of this relationship. I have no idea!! It sucks because I feel like I'm making him hang in there with a big question mark over our future.
Bad Boyfriend used to do things and now, with Good Boyfriend, I feel like I interpret everything he does as if it were Bad Boyfriend. I have to continually remind myself that I am with and responding to Good Boyfriend and not the other. It's difficult!
The Good Boyfriend and I did break up once and were totally miserable apart... Isn't it amazing - and sickening - how one horrible person can jack you up for so long after they've disappeared? Thanks again for your input. Write more if you want!
libbyann
Posted by gnepig on November 22, 2004, at 18:54:22
In reply to Re: Abusive boyfriend..., posted by libbyann on November 22, 2004, at 18:12:30
I think you are afraid of letting go; from being hurt to losing total control.My wife has been doing this for 9 years now and won't ever get away from T until she can rationalize trusting someone else besides herself. Just my experience.
Posted by sunny10 on November 23, 2004, at 13:34:50
In reply to Re: Abusive boyfriend..., posted by libbyann on November 22, 2004, at 18:12:30
all of what you say is normal. My SO and I have to work on this stuff. And the fact that he is willing to do so means a lot to me.
If you're anything like me, you may suffer from low self-esteem and may feel sometimes that after all the work, the relationship will still never work. So maybe you do sometimes "push away" a little... you're just afraid of "getting hurt in the end".
But remember (during those logical spells- hee hee)that this is just your fear and self-respect (or lack thereof) at work.
He's working with you on this because he knows that you are worth it.
Try to bear that in mind !
Posted by sunny10 on November 23, 2004, at 13:35:52
In reply to Re: boyfriend insight, posted by gnepig on November 22, 2004, at 18:54:22
I'm not convinced... mostly we don't trust ourselves, either....
Posted by libbyann on November 23, 2004, at 13:54:38
In reply to Re: boyfriend insight » gnepig, posted by sunny10 on November 23, 2004, at 13:35:52
I have had a hard time trusting my new SO.... Like his motives are wrong or his thoughts aren't good toward me, etc., etc. It's like I'm responding to him the way I should have the other, awful boyfriend. So unfair to new boyfriend!
Posted by sunny10 on November 24, 2004, at 12:30:47
In reply to Re: boyfriend insight, posted by libbyann on November 23, 2004, at 13:54:38
just tell him that. He'll understand, from what you've already shared with us.
Posted by gnepig on November 25, 2004, at 9:48:46
In reply to Re: boyfriend insight » libbyann, posted by sunny10 on November 24, 2004, at 12:30:47
I agree with you completly. Talk it out together so you can get it off your chest and in the open. It's not your fault you had a bad experience that has you conditioned to respond as if you were in the other relationship. You were smart to dump the other jerk-give yourself credit for doing that and work on reconditioning with this wonderful guy!
Posted by 64bowtie on November 28, 2004, at 2:55:34
In reply to Abusive boyfriend..., posted by libbyann on November 22, 2004, at 17:06:30
libbyann,
First off, Hi. Hope what I say does not offend, ever.
About abuse, please read this other post.
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041118/msgs/421181.html
Of course this may not fit well with your memory of abuse, but physical abusers are nearly all emotional abusers, toooo.
Do you respect yourself unconditionally? Has anyone taken the time to talk to you about your self-respect? In order for self-worth or self-esteem to "gain traction" in your life so they take hold and give you good feelings about yourself, you must have a sense of self-respect, and unconditionally for awhile.
Paring of a man and woman can be a tough and taxing process. However, not all paring is toxic to the folks who partake. Enjoy what you can and don't ever regret trying.
Rod
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.