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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by All Done on December 9, 2004, at 1:10:34
Just recently, I believe you posted something about your mom creating her own history. Sorry if I don’t have the exact wording, but the whole concept caught my attention. My mom does the same thing and she does it all the time. It has to be single-handedly the most irritating thing about her, and trust me, she has quite a repertoire of irritating...umm...quirks.
Anyway, my question for you or anyone that would like to respond, is how do you deal with it? She makes it impossible to hold a rational conversation because I am constantly battling with myself between arguing with her, ignoring what she’s saying and just letting her believe it, or screaming at the top of my lungs. None of these feel like great options.
Not only does she recreate her own or "our" history, she does it with everything, whether she was involved or not. She constantly makes up new scenarios to suit her own immediate needs. Sometimes, she’ll even contradict herself if her own circumstances change and she needs to change the history.
There is no arguing with her. And honestly, how can there be with someone who makes things up as they go along? I do believe that she truly believes what she is saying. It’s just so hard when she makes things up even from conversations between the two of us. She will claim I said something when I have no doubt I said no such thing.
If she says it was 70 degrees yesterday when in fact it was only 45 degrees, what should I do or say? There seems to be only so much ignoring I can do before I burst.
I addressed this post to you, Dinah, because I think we may be dealing with some of the same issues in our moms. (I could go on about all of her debt incurred "for me", but I’ll save that for another day). But I would really appreciate anyone’s insight into my mom’s behavior and suggestions for dealing with her will be more than appreciated.
Thanks,
Laurie
Posted by justyourlaugh on December 9, 2004, at 7:25:58
In reply to Recreating history - for Dinah (and everyone), posted by All Done on December 9, 2004, at 1:10:34
not only does she twist history..
she inflicks little stories at my kids about what kind of a person i was..
she has made me doubt myself more than once..
maybe i am the one that got it all twisted about?
no..
jyl
Posted by AuntieMel on December 9, 2004, at 8:24:55
In reply to Recreating history - for Dinah (and everyone), posted by All Done on December 9, 2004, at 1:10:34
I don't know the extent of it, or how far off truth she is, but:
Sometimes people embelish things (a little or a lot) because they think the true story would be too boring. So interesting 'details' get added, and added until the story only barely resembles the truth.
Sometimes people feel guilt about things were to the degree that they refactor it in their own brains - either by adding ways that point the guilt elsewhere or by 'remembering' it how they feel it should have been.
Either one is a result of their own insecurity. If this is what your mom is doing, then how to handle it is dependent on you. How much - in the greater scheme of things - does it bother you? Can you put it in perspective and feel sorry for her? Instead of arguing can you roll your eyes and give a knowing smile?
The important thing here is that *you* come up with some way to deal with it that allows *you* to feel less stress. You can't control your mom, but with work you *can* control how you react to her.
Posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 9:28:01
In reply to Re: Recreating history - for Dinah (and everyone) » All Done, posted by AuntieMel on December 9, 2004, at 8:24:55
I wouldn't even roll my eyes, it's not fair. We all create our own history. The extent we do it to is the extent to which we're having problems. Just because our parents are ours, doesn't mean they deserve less empathy than we give each other here.
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2004, at 23:15:46
In reply to Recreating history - for Dinah (and everyone), posted by All Done on December 9, 2004, at 1:10:34
Oh my. That *does* sound like my mother.
I wouldn't suggest that others do as I do. Because I'm not always terribly kind to my mother. Basically my father and I have always dismissed her and her revised histories. Because they're so bizarre that they don't even deserve argument. Sometimes it's just to make herself look better (like with the hospice social worker the other day). But sometimes it's so senseless that it defies comprehension. Not unlike your temperature example.
So we either just roll our eyes and ignore her, or we tell her she's totally wrong and talk over her objections. Occasionally we might argue a point.
As I said, it's not particularly kind, and I'm not particularly proud of it. :( I suppose she deserves better from me just because she's my mother.
And this is a huge improvement from before I emotionally divorced her!!
A problem I've always had is when I try to get accurate information from her. I've got a whole system worked out as to whether or not to trust her information based on a number of factors. Like if it's a story that makes her not look good, it's more likely to be true. Does it fit in with my recollections? Is it in keeping with what I know about the people and things involved? Is it physically improbable? Since I have a keen interest in family stories and geneology, that's been a big challenge to me. I try to verify things with another relative.
Trouble is that she's right sometimes. If *everything* out of her mouth was incorrect, it'd be easier.
If I were to say what I should do, I'd probably say I should gently point out to her if I know she's wrong without belaboring it, and only if it was important or involved someone else collecting needed information. (You should hear her version of my father's medical history.) Otherwise, I should just ignore it. Not respond on the assumption it's true, of course, but ignore the untruths.
Does your mother's family have a history of mental illness? My mother's family has a history of psychosis either due to schizophrenia or manic depression. I'm not sure which. But because of that, I tend to think of her revisionist history as a symptom of a shadow form of mental illness. Oddly, that doesn't always make me feel more kindly disposed to her. Perhaps it scares me?
Posted by Gabbix2 on December 11, 2004, at 2:55:25
In reply to Re: Recreating history - for Dinah (and everyone) » All Done, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2004, at 23:15:46
This all sounds so much like my mother, that I can only even begin to talk about really, it brings up too many memories. Like the time she promised to help me pay for University once I was finished my University transfer courses at college, and when I was finished college she denied saying any such thing.. and left me with 14000 in student loans and no way to continue school. The only blessing is that it's not me in it alone, or the frustration would be intensified. My father and sister both are well aware of my mom's versions of reality, and yes, she contradicts herself too, if it will serve her purpose..
My sister and I are both well into adulthood but still talk (not entirely jokingly) about buying a small taperecorder before each visit, of course we won't ever do it. But we often say to each other.."DAM* we should have REALLY done it this time!"
Posted by Gabbix2 on December 11, 2004, at 3:08:43
In reply to Re: Recreating history - for Dinah (and everyone), posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 9:28:01
> I wouldn't even roll my eyes, it's not fair. We all create our own history. The extent we do it to is the extent to which we're having problems. Just because our parents are ours, doesn't mean they deserve less empathy than we give each other here.
Well I suppose it's not kind, and I definitely would want to aspire to not wanting to feel like rolling my eyes, not just keep myself from doing it. However when the revisionist history involves her claiming I said something that I know I did not, when I have witnesses who also know this and then having my mother say that we all must have terrible memories then.. and proceed to argue with me about what a horrible selfish thing it was for me to say..
it's extremely difficult not to respond in some way. She's not dx'd with anything, and in her own words, she doesn't need therapy because "She's not the one with the problems"
Posted by Susan47 on December 12, 2004, at 7:45:25
In reply to Re: Recreating history - for Dinah (and everyone) » Susan47, posted by Gabbix2 on December 11, 2004, at 3:08:43
Okay, I remember once when I was quite young and I'd been terribly hurt by someone and something that happened, and she took it on as HER pain and accused me of hurting HER ... b*tch. Well, I still resent that to this day and don't understand it, but I think if I live long enough, I probably will, although I don't intend to carry on passing a legacy of that type of behaviour to my own daughter. Understanding and not repeating bad behaviours would be good.
So all I'm trying to say is I understand how you feel, it's hard to be at the end of the hot poker ...omigod here I go again, sex rears its head once more ... I don't know what's the matter with me, I think I need to get schtupfed, I'm sorry I shouldn't be this way on your thread. Please forgive me, I got a little messed up earlier on this evening and now I'm insomniac, feeling a little ill, and need to get ready for work in 45 minutes. I'm a mess, don't know how I'll survive the day. ANyway, carry on with your thread and ignore this. :]
Posted by Gabbix2 on December 12, 2004, at 10:55:33
In reply to Re: Recreating history - for Dinah (and everyone), posted by Susan47 on December 12, 2004, at 7:45:25
> Okay, I remember once when I was quite young and I'd been terribly hurt by someone and something that happened, and she took it on as HER pain and accused me of hurting HER ... b*tch. Well, I still resent that to this day and don't understand it, but I think if I live long enough, I probably will, although I don't intend to carry on passing a legacy of that type of behaviour to my own daughter. Understanding and not repeating bad behaviours would be good.
> So all I'm trying to say is I understand how you feel, it's hard to be at the end of the hot poker ...omigod here I go again, sex rears its head once more ... I don't know what's the matter with me, I think I need to get schtupfed,Oh Susan, Ya made me laff! Sorry you're feeling messed up and in need of some boot knockin'
If I'd started the thread I'd say, well of course you could take it any way you please, but of course it's not my thread so I can't really do that, but I'm sure there's no harm, they tend to go where they will after a little while, (usually with a little help from me)Take care Babe
This is the end of the thread.
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