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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by freckafree on January 28, 2005, at 19:34:32
I have been married for 26 years to a man who exhibits a behavior that has finally driven me to the brink of divorce.
I describe what he does as "ranting" (which is a totally useless word to search on Google!). When he thinks no one can hear him, he launches into an extremely vicious diatribe about...whatever. I know when he thinks he is alone, he will rant out loud. I say "thinks he's alone" because I have seen him do this when he's mowing the lawn, and he's literally shouting over the noise of the mower. (I think his ability to hear himself is a critical part of this somehow.)
But when I'm in the house, he does it "sotto voce," so I know he's doing it but can't always tell what he's saying, other than a few key words and phrases, like "I" and "G*d damned" and "despise." It has been the "background music" of our entire marriage.
When he does this, he is totally engaged in it. This is not "Where did I put my damn keys?" muttering under one's breath. His face is contorted in anger, he clenches his teeth, shakes his fists, etc.
The really weird thing is that he can shift into this mode in an instant. We can be having a perfectly innocuous conversation, and the next minute I can see him shift, and he'll march out of the room as if compelled and begin ranting.
Virtually anything can trigger this. The times that I have figured out that he was ranting about me have been extremely disturbing to me. The last time, it was because I had forgotten to buy coffee, and he said the most poisonous, hateful things about me.
He has been unemployed for three years (in fact, he has only been sporadically employed in the years we have been together), spends his days alone in the house, and it is very obvious to me that this behavior has become more frequent and intense.
One of the reasons I am considering divorce is because we have a 9-year-old son. I think our son is unaware of this behavior, and I don't want him experience it. I certainly don't want him to be the subject of it, which he no doubt will be eventually.
I want so much to be out of this relationship but am fearful of what a person so consumed by anger will do (although he has never been physically violent towards me).
Can anyone tell me if this behavior is part of some disorder? Does it have a name? Is it treatable?
Posted by Colleen D. on January 28, 2005, at 20:24:07
In reply to Is there a name for this? (LONG), posted by freckafree on January 28, 2005, at 19:34:32
I don't have an answer, sweetie, but my heart goes out to you. My husband is so much like this it's unbelievable. My husband tries to calm his rages with alcohol and it doesn't do one dang thing to help the problem.
Hugs,
Colleen
Posted by freckafree on January 28, 2005, at 21:04:42
In reply to Re: Is there a name for this? (LONG) » freckafree, posted by Colleen D. on January 28, 2005, at 20:24:07
Colleen,
Thank you so much for your post. I have only recently begun trying to talk to others about this.It's very helpful to know that someone else has experience with this behavior, which I have always thought was weird beyond belief. One of the things I have struggled with is the worry that his behavior is normal and what is wrong is my reaction to it.
Posted by sunny10 on January 31, 2005, at 11:35:16
In reply to Re: Is there a name for this? (LONG), posted by freckafree on January 28, 2005, at 21:04:42
what do you suppose would happen if you asked him to go through an Anger Management Course?
Perhaps if you tell him that you couldn't help noticing how angry he seems to get sometimes and you love him so much that you're afraid he is doing permanent damage to his heart? That you'd love to help?
I'm phrasing this purposefully because my ex-husband was like this. If there was one hint that I thought he was "wrong" or "guilty of" or anything like that, my suggestions would just be another raging session for him...
I am so sorry that you and your son are having to go through this. (my T told me that the children may not appear to know, but they almost always do- make sure you are extra approving of him as a small person right now. I may be completely wrong, but being extra great to your kid never hurt anyone...)
Best wishes,
Sunny10
Posted by jonquiljo on January 29, 2006, at 14:40:04
In reply to Is there a name for this? (LONG), posted by freckafree on January 28, 2005, at 19:34:32
To ber honest, this sounds like some form of Tourette's Syndrome - or something similar. I really feel for your pain, as I have been in similar difficult situations. Have you ever confronted him about this behavior? Ir it is Tourettes, it is similar to OCD (which I have) - so I know it can be extremely painful (to him as well as you).
Unless you have exhaused all of your resources, after 26 years - divorce shouldn't be on the top of your list. I have seen people act this way. Its not anger so much as a compulsion to rant, rave and speak. In any case, I wish you the best.
Jon
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