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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Uncle lou on February 13, 2005, at 22:17:21
I'm a recovering alcoholic 1 1/2 years sober following in-patient rehab. Married 15 years, two kids 13 & 10. No history of violence, infidelity, legal or financial problems. My wife has been very angry and distant since I lost (resigned)my job and willingly entered the rehab. Things were not great before, but I was hoping things would improve between us now that I'm sober. It seems that the more I'm improving the more fault she's finding with me. She's been asking for 'space' and I agreed to move out of the house because she said we would go back to counceling if I did. Now she says its over, she has nothing left to give. She has not gone back to the councling with me since I moved out. She says she loves me but 'not the right way' to want to be with me (WTF?) I'm very upset that she doesn't want to at least attempt to repair the marriage, we have the kids to consider. I don't want to stay married if we are miserable either but I can't understand why she won't try for the kids. I love my wife and kids and it breaks my heart to see the kids go through this and being powerless to try to stop it. I know she has her own issues from her dysfunctional family, and I would really like the cycle of dysfunction to end with our us and our children. Any suggestions on how to get her to at least try?
Posted by just so sad on February 14, 2005, at 14:44:11
In reply to Marriage problems after sobriety, posted by Uncle lou on February 13, 2005, at 22:17:21
When I asked for space from my husband years ago, he did as you have done, and moved out. I had my mind made up that it was done, I didn't love him, and I needed to find a new path in my life. I can't promise this will work for you, but my husband started courting me again - actually in a much more romantic fashion than he ever had before - but in a very respectful way that I didn't feel "stalked", but I hadn't realized how much he loved me and our life until that point. We would go for lunch (no commitment) and he would allow me to verbalize all the emotions and feelings that I hadn't shared while we were married for fear of hurting his feelings, and by the last "lunch" he and I both knew me better and I was ready to try again. Patience and honesty were powerful tools, but your wife and myself are two different people, and maybe she will react differently. Give her space, and respect her need for time to readjust to the new you - don't forget she has lived a certain role up until recently, and now she may be lost as to her life's purpose. Good luck.
Posted by sunny10 on February 14, 2005, at 15:05:21
In reply to Re: Marriage problems after sobriety, posted by just so sad on February 14, 2005, at 14:44:11
I couldn't have said anything better than just so sad did!
Give her a little time to adjust to the new you, and thus the new person she will have to be. She is no longer an enabler and that may have been a "stick with the devil you know" person she was used to being, as you say her family was dysfunctional.
Best wishes,
sunny10
Posted by Uncle lou on February 14, 2005, at 17:26:59
In reply to Re: Marriage problems after sobriety, posted by sunny10 on February 14, 2005, at 15:05:21
Thanks for your support. I'm so grateful for the help of AA and my new recovering friends to get me through this. I would have been a basket case over this if not for the program. Acceptance of God's will is not always easy. Acceptance of my wife's will, especially when it impacts the kids this badly, is real difficult.
Posted by sunny10 on February 15, 2005, at 12:43:43
In reply to Re: Marriage problems after sobriety, posted by Uncle lou on February 14, 2005, at 17:26:59
I have to continually repeat the Serenity Prayer, too.
best of luck !
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