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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by katherpoo1 on April 3, 2005, at 13:44:09
I am not kidding.
I come to places like this for support... here, I got slammed on my first post (it was under a different name - I had trouble with my password ;) )... I'm a moderator on another board and since I have a "leadership" role there, I am reluctant to air out all my stuff.
My family and I have been estranged for years (LONG story). I have social anxiety and the only local friend I had here (someone I knew from college) has blown me off. I am in graduate school; those are peripheral sort of acquainences at best. I have some friendships, we maintain contact by phone only because everyone's scattered - and they live their own lives and don't want to be called everytime I'm having a panic attack or whatever.
What scared me most recently was when this Terri Schiavo story came to the national arena and I realized that she was my age when she fell and put herself into the state she was. It put me into a terrible fear that I would, eventually, die alone. I had worried about that before whe it came to not being able to find a husband (I had a 8-year relationship that eventually just wasn't meant to be)... but it just struck me that if anything happened to me, not only would nobody be at my bedside, nobody would be around to make decisions on my behalf. I found it very sad to be 26 and already worried about dying alone.
I'm not suicidal or anything -- I'm an "anxiety-person" and hope against hope to live a long and fulfilling life. And yet you can't ignore reality when it's staring you in the face. I'm working on how I feel about it in therapy, but there don't appear to be any real solutions. I've joined clubs and such, but I feel like a wallflower - as always, a social outcast. I should add that my therapist and I agree I don't have self-esteem issues, even though this post sounds pretty "blue."What's a girl to do? --K
Posted by littleone on April 3, 2005, at 15:56:55
In reply to I don't have anyone, posted by katherpoo1 on April 3, 2005, at 13:44:09
Hi katherpool,
I too have problems with aloneness, isolation and loneliness. Unfortunatly I don't have any answers for you :(
One part of your post did confuse me. You say that both yourself and your T believe you don't have self esteem issues.
I *do* have a lot of problems with my "self". Ego strength I guess it's called. I think the idea is that when this improves, you get to a stage where you truly don't mind or care about what other people think of you. Once you don't have that anxiety, you are free to just be yourself. And I'm guessing that confidence and that ability to show your true colours draws suitable people to you.
Despite this, I still think no one would like me. I obviously still have quite a bit of work to do on this :)
So anyway, I thought perhaps your anxiety issues *were* centred around beliefs about your self and were confused as to why you thought you didn't have self esteem issues. Not as a critism, just curious and wanting to understand better.
Posted by katherpoo1 on April 3, 2005, at 19:52:55
In reply to Re: I don't have anyone » katherpoo1, posted by littleone on April 3, 2005, at 15:56:55
Hi -- it's good know I'm not the only one. (Although, I'm sorry that you, too, experience this kind of lonliness. :( ) Thanks for your reply.
To clarify... I guess the difference is that I know damn well who I am, I am a deeply grounded person, not confused about who I am or about my self-worth. I know I don't deserve to live like this!
And yet, I am confused as to why it's happening. My 'social anxiety' is not a shyness - I'm very much an extrovert - rather it's just an inability to gauge how well I'm doing in social situations. This goes waaay back, my T and I have discovered. I believe I'm a likeable person, and yet, I can't pinpoint why people don't seem to want my company -- evidenced by no second dates, no follow-up phone calls from potential friends after hanging out, and the eventual end of so many relationships.
And so, over time, my "rational" brain has started to tell me there's nothing especially wrong with me, and my "anxious" brain then worries about what I may or may not be doing right or wrong.
I recognize that I'm the common denominator in all these "relationship equations," so I must have *some* role in it, but so far my T and I haven't been able to figure out what it is or what behaviors need to change to make it better (we're working on it now).....?
I hope that makes sense. Feels like I just talked in a circle. :)
In any case, thanks again littleone - hope to hear back if you have any insights.
:) K
Posted by partlycloudy on April 14, 2005, at 16:31:45
In reply to Re: I don't have anyone » littleone, posted by katherpoo1 on April 3, 2005, at 19:52:55
When I realized that I kept failing in establishing relationships and friendships, I very quickly blamed myself for it and tried to figure out how to fix it.
Then my therapist suggested that I become comfortable with my *own* company - OK just sitting around reading a book on an evening.
When I declared a hiatus from forming new relationships and nutured my own interests (I felt REALLY selfish for doing so, too!), POP! my present husband appeared. We've been married 3 years and I can only attribute the 18-year duration of marriage #1 as proof that I am a s-l-o-w learner.And now; here I am living at the opposite end of the country from where I started - with (guess what?) no friends. And finally, I can say that I am not as worried as I was before. If I can be happy and content and complete within my own skin and on my own time, then I'll be better prepared to share this comfort in a healthy way with others.
The day has yet to come, but I am no longer worried, Thank d*g for therapy....
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on April 14, 2005, at 17:23:56
In reply to I don't have anyone, posted by katherpoo1 on April 3, 2005, at 13:44:09
> What scared me most recently was when this Terri Schiavo story came to the national arena and I realized that she was my age when she fell and put herself into the state she was. It put me into a terrible fear that I would, eventually, die alone.
I had worried about that before whe it came to not being able to find a husband (I had a 8-year relationship that eventually just wasn't meant to be)... but it just struck me that if anything happened to me, not only would nobody be at my bedside, nobody would be around to make decisions on my behalf. I found it very sad to be 26 and already worried about dying alone.When I was twenty - six I agonized about being alone, dying alone, I think it was probably most prevelant fear, and now 10 years later, still single, I don't fear it anymore.
I realized that even with a solid relationship there is no guarantee that you won't end up alone. There are still things that need to be worked on within yourself so you aren't terrified about whatever may or may not happen.
Someone said to me "That's not an issue for you yet, dying alone, you don't know that by the time it happens, you will not have lived long enough, to develop the skills to cope with it"
That was a good piece of advice.>
> I'm not suicidal or anything -- I'm an "anxiety-person" and hope against hope to live a long and fulfilling life. And yet you can't ignore reality when it's staring you in the face. I'm working on how I feel about it in therapy, but there don't appear to be any real solutions. I've joined clubs and such, but I feel like a wallflower - as always, a social outcast. I should add that my therapist and I agree I don't have self-esteem issues, even though this post sounds pretty "blue."
>Well.. for me, joining clubs and things would never work, because I'm so selective of who I like to spend time with. I really really have to click with someone to feel comfortable.
It's not to say I don't like most people, because I do, but to overcome the urge to stay by myself, I have to be inspired. Could it be that you just aren't meeting the right people? I'm obviously just throwing that out as a possibility. Because I'm very much a wallflower when I'm faced with a group I can't relate to, but if there's a soul to soul connection, I'm not a wallflower at all. Maybe you just don't like groups. That's okay!
Many of the fears I had in my twenties have thankfully lessened in my thirties, I didn't believe it when people told me they would. I thought it would be worse, being single and just being older, well that would be awful!
Much had to do with my depression being put in remission too, I had no idea that parts of what I thought were my personality, the fears and chronic anxiety, were manifestations of the illness. At the time I thought the illness just meant down in the dumps.
Of course I don't know if that helps at all, but I was terrified at your age, of all those things.
I'd wake up in the middle of the night I was so anxious, so I thought perhaps I could relate a bit.
This is the end of the thread.
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