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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 14, 2005, at 15:12:16
When I was at my worst with depression and anxiety several years ago, I let 2 of my closest friends go - just completely stopped communicating with them, as I stopped with most people. Both of them tried valiantly to stay in touch, but I would have none of it. I hated myself and damned if I was going to be around others who didn't hate me as well.
Neither of these friends lives near me.
Now that I am back on an even keel and can honestly say that I love myself and respect myself, I miss these friends dearly. I miss the closeness, the humor, etc. I have friends now but they just aren't as close as these other 2.
So I would like to try to rekindle these friendships and I am really mortified at how I treated these 2 lovely people. I am very scared to get back in touch for fear of their reaction to me and fear that they have moved on in life and don't want any part of me.
I was not nasty to these 2 people. I just stopped all communication, full stop.
Any advice on how to break the ice? All I have are phone numbers, so I will be forced to call. I want to use humor to get back into their lives.
Or, is this even possible? Would you welcome back a friend who seemingly fell off the planet?
Thanks in advance for any advice/insight.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 14, 2005, at 15:18:48
In reply to Rekindling old friendships, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 14, 2005, at 15:12:16
I actually DO have their physical addresses. I know it would be chicken to write first, but I am a chicken. Can I write?
Posted by katherpoo1 on April 14, 2005, at 16:14:50
In reply to PS, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 14, 2005, at 15:18:48
I have been on the receiving end of this... where people have kind of dropped out of my life for seemingly no reason. Or, in some cases, I had suspected they weren't doing too well, and that life had just become too hard to handle.
Usually I "knew" this when I would leave a concerned phone message or three and they wouldn't return my call... I've been burned too many times to invest much more than that -- I make sure they know I care, and I'm available if they need me... at that point I usually leave the ball in their court and say either we're not friends anymore OR they'll get in touch again when they're ready.
It HAS happened that a couple years down the line, some of my friendships have been rekindled. I've found that if it was a true friendship to begin with, you can pick up right where you left off. Yes, you kind of have to sort out what happened over the past few years, but if they cared for you and their egos aren't too big (i.e. feelings aren't SO HURT they can't get over it), they will welcome you back with open arms. It might be awkward at first but soon it will feel comfy all over again. Like your favorite pair of jeans (you know how they're a little stiff after you wash them, but they loosen up in no time?)... :)
I might suggest you explain what's been up with yourself, but devote as much time to being a friend to them -- they've probably had as much going on, in different ways perhaps -- but we've all got our stories to tell.
Phone or write... I dunno which is better. Do what is comfortable for you, sounds like it's a little scary either way!
I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted!
Kat
Posted by partlycloudy on April 14, 2005, at 16:24:10
In reply to Rekindling old friendships, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 14, 2005, at 15:12:16
I have been lucky enough to have been able to rekindle one old friendship from my days "up north" - read = first marriage and geographic base. When I divorced, moved, married, and crashed with my ongoing disorder, I fretted about why I no longer heard from my friend, how I had offended her, you name it.
I did initiate contact (via email) and every now and then we talk on the phone. It's as if we had never stopped communicating at all. I was all prepared to be fobbed off and ignored, and this blossom of a friend picked up the phone and said - "I was wondering the same thing!".
I think it depends on the relationship you had in the first place - deep, superficial, work-related, social - and the other person's own issues. I no longer see the silence as a reflection upon Me and what, if anything, they think about me.
(I'd go for it.)
Posted by Damos on April 14, 2005, at 17:25:04
In reply to Rekindling old friendships, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 14, 2005, at 15:12:16
Hey Miss Honeychurch,
Done this once and chose to write as I don't do good phone at the best of times and figured that there was likely to be a lot of emotion on both sides and that writing would give them the opportunity to take it all in and work out how they felt without being put 'on the spot' so to speak. Can't tell you how hard it was, but the phone call I got a few days later made it all worthwhile. Like PC and Katherpool said, it was just like picking up where we'd left off like nothing had happened.
Good luck.
Posted by littleone on April 14, 2005, at 21:17:50
In reply to Rekindling old friendships, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 14, 2005, at 15:12:16
Miss Honey, if you were my old friend and wanted to rekindle the friendship, I would be thrilled to pieces. You're such a sweet person.
It's possible that they were hurt by you cutting them off, especially if they didn't understand the problems you were having. But I think that if you explained why it happened, it would help heal those hurts.
I think phoning them would be best. It would ensure that there were no misunderstandings (like there can be with the written word) and it would start to build your bond again immediately (ie I think talking would do that more effectively than writing).
Although it is the scarier option.
Also, you say you are mortified at how you treated them, but please remember that you did what you had to do to pull yourself through such a difficult time. As you say, you weren't nasty to them, so it could have been a lot worse. I'm guessing the only way you could have handled it better was if you reached out to them and let them help you. And I don't know about you, but that option certainly isn't on my list of coping methods. Yet. If it was, I guess I wouldn't need therapy in the first place :)
Anyway, I guess I'm saying, don't be too hard on yourself.
Good luck with whatever you decide! I hope it works out with them.
Posted by sunny10 on April 15, 2005, at 8:13:52
In reply to Re: Rekindling old friendships » Miss Honeychurch, posted by littleone on April 14, 2005, at 21:17:50
I'm a chicken... and I am always afraid of rejection. I'm not sure I could handle it over the phone... I would write.
But, I guess that simply means I am not in a good mental state yet. You are. You should do whichever you are comfortable with, but definitely do it.
As others have said, if the relationships were strong and loving then, they will still be now.
I, too, would be happy it I turned out to be one of them!!!
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 18, 2005, at 12:12:37
In reply to Rekindling old friendships, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 14, 2005, at 15:12:16
Your input really meant a lot to me. I believe I will write first, since I am a chicken.
You all helped me put this in perspective. Thanks for all of your kind words.
Posted by sunny10 on April 18, 2005, at 12:51:24
In reply to Thanks everyone!, posted by Miss Honeychurch on April 18, 2005, at 12:12:37
This is the end of the thread.
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