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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on April 19, 2005, at 21:41:07
Evening light disturbs me, it makes me feel very very down and alone. And I can't stand the sound of the evening birds, it's haunting and lonely. I feel terrible. I'm so utterly lost and alone, this is hazardous. How can twenty more years of this, be worth anything?
Posted by AdaGrace on April 19, 2005, at 22:05:40
In reply to The Days are Too Long, posted by Susan47 on April 19, 2005, at 21:41:07
That is all you give yourself?
I am sure it will be more than that. You are too vibrant of a person to only have 20 more.......
I'd say at least 40.
Posted by sunny10 on April 20, 2005, at 12:58:48
In reply to Re: Only 20 more? » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on April 19, 2005, at 22:05:40
just remember one thing for a moment...
Picnics for supper with the kids.
Make an evening ritual of completing a crossword puzzle with the kids.
After the kids are abed, it's bubble-bath time, craft hobby time, relaxing with a book in a lounge chair out the back door while keeping an ear out for the kids...
For me, it is a ritual of get home, feed the cat, read a book, maybe watch some tv, like any of substance abuser, I am taking it moment to moment (hopefully will get to "day by day", but haven't gotten there yet)
My substance of addiction? Love for and from another human being. Gotta learn to live without it, unfortunately- even my son doesn't live with me.... Wish my addiction was MJ ;)
-sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on April 20, 2005, at 13:28:34
In reply to Re: Suze, you sound like me...., posted by sunny10 on April 20, 2005, at 12:58:48
When the children are with me I'm A-okay.
It's when they're out.. last night I was alone they were at the opera. I had to drop them off and pick them up only. So I was up way past my usual bedtime.
When I'm feeling that way, I can't force myself to go outside. Although when I do I always feel better.. it's the being alone, taking even a tiny step alone, that's the hard part. You know how hard it is to even put your shoes on when you feel like you're going to die because you're all alone?????
Not many people understand that, I don't think. It's why even though my ex-husband was killing me in so many ways, I stayed with him. When the companionship just wasn't worth the struggle anymore, I gave up. He was ugly to me, and I was ugly to him. We were ugly to each other. Cute, huh? I think that's what happens when you're constantly bringing out the worst, you just snipe all the time, snipe snipe snipe until finally there's just no way to talk about anything.
But I stayed for a long, long time because I used to enjoy his company. Scary thing is, I never enjoyed his company all THAT much, you know? He was always mediocre for me .. isn't that terrible? How can I say such things about a guy I was MARRIED to for gosh sakes. It just goes to prove to me how much I cannot tolerate being alone. I can do it for a few hours, sometimes a couple of days, longer even, if I know I'm loved and cared for. You know, as an adult, I shouldn't have to feel that I need caring for, but I do. I feel that very strongly, very deeply. And the need to care for others is just as great. But even children learn not to need care. And the people who do need care, quite often just make me unhappy, because they can't care for themselves. So is that my main issue, caring for myself? Because I think I do. I cared for myself enough to leave a very bad marriage, I cared enough to physically and emotionally withdraw from my abusive father. After forty-seven years, Sunny.
If I had a chance to be 37 again and know this, I would be ecstatic. I think.
Posted by Susan47 on April 20, 2005, at 13:35:33
In reply to Re: Suze, you sound like me...., posted by sunny10 on April 20, 2005, at 12:58:48
I was reading the other day, this book I recommended for you, about women who don't leave difficult guys, okay, and this guy was physically and emotionally abusive to the author, her husband, they're Welsh. Welsh men are incredibly sexy by the way. I've never met one who isn't. Doesn't Wales have some incredible boys' choir? I have to look into some good music again soon, as soon as I'm working. This is horrible, not being able to look for work because I'm having to sit on the fence, waiting, waiting for an effing practicum, I'm helpless as a fly in the ointment.
Anyway, back to my original thought .. it struck me after reading this woman's description of life with her husband, how my father is ABUSIVE. Ding ding ding it's like the slot machine just started raining dollars, you know, the lights flashed and all, because finally, FINALLY some connection was made between my emotion and my brain and I was able to objectively SEE who this man is, the one that fathered me. And I did not like him, not one teeny tiny little bit. And I realized he no longer has any part of me, at all. In fact, he's trying to pass on reading material to me through my mother again, and I'm trashing it all. Not reading anything, ANYTHING, that does not interest me, especially not for one who only wants to control me.
I have an abiding feeling of sadness inside myself. It is almost always there.
Posted by sunny10 on April 21, 2005, at 8:16:41
In reply to Re: Suze, you sound like me....(rambling, sorry), posted by Susan47 on April 20, 2005, at 13:35:33
Funny, I came to that same conclusion about my father years ago... that's why being angry with the rest of the family for not respecting his wishes was so darn difficult for me.
Why did I care so much? He never respected me, why did the fact that they weren't respecting HIM not fill me with glee?? He was getting a bit of his own medicine, but I still thought it was wrong...Major inner conflict, there...
But I caution you about trashing EVERYTHING he sends... I say that because I, too, rebelled against everything my father liked. He liked History, therefore I refused to study History and got D's and F's as grades in school...I am now a clueless idiot when people discuss political or socialogical histories... makes me look like a dumb a**. My point is, your dad may send you crap that you're not interested in, but he may actually send something that does interest you. Look first before trashing just because you got them from him, okay?!?
I'll always love you, no matter what you're wearing, by the way...
-sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on April 21, 2005, at 9:52:43
In reply to Re: Suze, (I always ramble!), posted by sunny10 on April 21, 2005, at 8:16:41
My dad sends me London Review of Books, which is good, I like it, but knowing it comes from him makes it unreadable. So I occasionally read it at the library. And the New York Review I actually enjoy it more, it's easier to read.
But you know, he prints off these philosophical/political missives he finds on the web and scribbles his opinions on them and he's just a pain in the butt.
I could care less about his fr*gging opinions, anymore. Which is unfortunate, because he has some good ones.
Posted by Susan47 on April 21, 2005, at 10:29:10
In reply to Re: Suze, (I always ramble!), posted by sunny10 on April 21, 2005, at 8:16:41
I'm sorry I can't be here more for you, I'm ignoring so many threads where people need support. But I want you to know that because of the way you supported your dad, you won't have anything to regret when your own time comes. You know? It takes a lot of understanding and respect for human dignity to treat your dad so well after he abused you so much.
Posted by sunny10 on April 21, 2005, at 12:45:40
In reply to Re: Suze, (I always ramble!) » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on April 21, 2005, at 10:29:10
Posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 6:31:09
In reply to Re: Only 20 more? » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on April 19, 2005, at 22:05:40
I can't be condemned to forty more years of this. Or twenty, either. It's too long.
Posted by Susan47 on April 22, 2005, at 6:31:34
In reply to Re: Only 20 more? » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on April 19, 2005, at 22:05:40
This is the end of the thread.
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