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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JenStar on May 13, 2005, at 1:09:27
hi all,
I feel lately that I've been the "weak one" in my relationship -- I'm the one who needs anti-anxiety meds, I'm the one who needs Xanax from time to time, I'm the one who needs babying. And all this whole time my husband has been a rock of support, so kind and wonderful and strong. And now HE'S going through a tough patch at work, and I want to support him but I'm not sure what to do. My anxiety is thru the roof, because when HE'S upset, I get upset. And he's really upset. They are working on a very difficult project and are behind a timeline and there may be repercussions. IN any case, he's in a foul mood, so upset, cursing (not at me! just in general), storming around the house, saying he needs to stay up all nite and do work. I seriously think he's been getting more and more depressed/black-mooded over the past few months. I think he might benefit from therapy or meds too, but he's very against it.And I feel that my mental outlook is rather lame and weak right now. I'm being supportive, telling him it will get better, we'll get thru it, everything eventually improves. I tell him I'll support him. But I feel like it does little to help him out.
what do you do to support your spouse when he/she is going thru a rough time? any suggestions?
thanks!
JenStar
Posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 14:21:51
In reply to hubby upset about work - how to be supportive?, posted by JenStar on May 13, 2005, at 1:09:27
> And I feel that my mental outlook is rather lame and weak right now. I'm being supportive, telling him it will get better, we'll get thru it, everything eventually improves. I tell him I'll support him. But I feel like it does little to help him out.
It can feel like a role reversal, can't it?
At the end of the day, only he can do the work. But perhaps you can help by trying to make things at home as smooth as possible.
> what do you do to support your spouse when he/she is going thru a rough time? any suggestions?
I would give him as much space as he needs, if that's what he wants. I've found that men often prefer space at times like this, whereas I don't.
Also, offering physical comfort of any kind can be good. But if you get a knock back, don't take it personally; sometimes it can feel like too much pressure.
Hope that helps some!
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 18:32:05
In reply to hubby upset about work - how to be supportive?, posted by JenStar on May 13, 2005, at 1:09:27
I think what Tamar said is also true of my husband, often.
When he does want to talk, I listen and say enough to let him know I've understood.
I also do some of the things he usually does around the house, telling him that I know he's got so much to handle.
I don't know, really. I guess I follow his lead and try the things I would want him to do for me...
And try not to get overly upset if he shoots me down.
Have you tried asking him what you can do to make things easier for him?
Posted by pinkeye on May 14, 2005, at 15:02:05
In reply to hubby upset about work - how to be supportive?, posted by JenStar on May 13, 2005, at 1:09:27
I just hug him like a kid - that is the only thing I know. Or stroke his head, or say it is ok. Fortunately for us, we both believe in God a lot, so whatever happens - happens for good is a main point of our religion. That helps.. And also we also say do your duty without expecting rewards or worrying about the consequences. That also helps.
Another thing that is part of our religion is that, inherently this world is full of troubles, and we can only do what we can - lot of it is beyond us.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 14, 2005, at 15:17:24
In reply to Re: hubby upset about work - how to be supportive? » JenStar, posted by pinkeye on May 14, 2005, at 15:02:05
I tend to do the same things. I let him know I am here if he wants to talk, but I tend to give him a lot of space. And I try to make what I can easier for him.
I'm stereotyping here, but I do think there is a general truth to this idea. I think women are much more likely to want to talk things out, whereas men do the compartmentalizing thing. So if they need to have their noses in one compartment much more than the other ones, I just remind myself that he will come out when he is ready. And I remind him that I'm in one of the other compartments. :)
gg
Posted by JenStar on May 14, 2005, at 20:07:05
In reply to Re: hubby upset about work - how to be supportive? » JenStar, posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 14:21:51
thanks, it does help! Many of you mentioned physical comfort, and it seems that it DOES help him a bit. If I just hug him, or we just sit cuddling on the couch, or if we have sex (even if I'm not in "the mood") it seems to calm him a bit. I guess babying him helps, although it's not really BABY-ing him, just comforting him. I do let him talk too, as much as he wants, and don't necessarily try to rationalize or analyze or organize it all - just let him get it all out. I just wish I had the power to take all the pain away and make him happy again. I feel so helpless, like I'm trying to soak up a tidal wave with a dish towel. Maybe that's how HE feels dealing with me and my "issues" from time to time?
Role reversal is right!
Thanks to all of you for the thoughts & advice. It means a lot to me that you all took the time to respond. :)
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on May 14, 2005, at 20:10:00
In reply to Re: hubby upset about work - how to be supportive?, posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 18:32:05
Good ideas, Dinah, thanks! I guess I haven't exactly asking him what would help. I've said things like "I wish I could help," or "Baby, I'm sorry you're so upset," but I've never actually sat down & asked him what would REALLY help. I think I'm afraid that he'll say I need to find a better-paying job. I'm pretty sure that's what I need to do. I think that would help.
I guess I need to be a big girl about it and figure out how to provide the help that we really need. :)
I like the idea about doing some of his chores. It seems like it really helped. I only did one simple thing and he got so excited about it. I mean, I do most of the chores anyways (b/c he works more at his job) but there are still some things that are "his." So I did a task, and he was all thrilled and smiley. It seemed to lift the load a bit.
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 13:45:14
In reply to Re: hubby upset about work - how to be supportive? » Dinah, posted by JenStar on May 14, 2005, at 20:10:00
Why don't you find a better paying job? I remember having read that you left one for a work in arts? Is that you?
Why don't you go back to what you were doing, and keep your art work as a hobby?
Posted by JenStar on May 15, 2005, at 16:42:16
In reply to Re: hubby upset about work - how to be supportive? » JenStar, posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 13:45:14
Yes, that was me, thanks for remembering! Your suggestion is good, and I've been thinking seriously about it lately. I actually pulled out my resume...I think I'll dust it off, polish it up, and start sending it out. I used to work in the tech world, and although there have been some cutbacks, I think -- i HOPE -- I could find a job at my old company or similar. It sure would solve a lot of money woes! I know money doesn't make everything OK, but it sure does make a lot of issues go away. :)
thanks for listening!
JenStar
Posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 17:01:44
In reply to Re: hubby upset about work - how to be supportive? » pinkeye, posted by JenStar on May 15, 2005, at 16:42:16
Ok.. something you might like to know, that companies in the tech world are recruiting lot of people. In my own company and in many companies I know, there are lot of vacancies right now.
I am sure you could apply, and you will easily get into one if you want.
Posted by JenStar on May 15, 2005, at 17:43:37
In reply to Re: hubby upset about work - how to be supportive? » JenStar, posted by pinkeye on May 15, 2005, at 17:01:44
thanks for your support! :) It's nice to hear positive things from people.
JenStar
Posted by octopusprime on May 19, 2005, at 11:24:10
In reply to hubby upset about work - how to be supportive?, posted by JenStar on May 13, 2005, at 1:09:27
A couple of months is a long time for your hubby to be on deadline pressure. Working all night is not a solution, especially in high tech.
If your hubby is not getting enough rest for an extended period of time, it may be time to think about scheduling a weekend away, just the two of you.
Go to an island with nothing to do but walk and explore at a quiet and gentle pace. Do not bring cell phones or email devices.
Let him catch up on his rest. He will be 100% more productive when he returns.
I'm not married to somebody with this kind of stress, but I do this all the time with my male coworkers. I tell them to go home and give up for the evening. Working themselves to the point of exhaustion increases burnout and increases mistakes. In the end it is futile.
Maybe scheduling rest for your hubby will help? You know him best. Maybe make analogies about how self-care helps you manage your stress and anxiety levels, and if it's good for you ...
good luck
Posted by sunny10 on May 19, 2005, at 12:11:09
In reply to people that work all night » JenStar, posted by octopusprime on May 19, 2005, at 11:24:10
Posted by Mandy on June 4, 2005, at 11:56:08
In reply to hubby upset about work - how to be supportive?, posted by JenStar on May 13, 2005, at 1:09:27
My husband has lost three jobs in three years and since he is 63, decided to go on social security. I am the one working to maintain the bills, etc. It has been a major juggling act and now we are deep in debt. My anxiety is going through the roof, I am starting to isolate and go into depression, and I am angry.
I want him to take money from his retirement fund so we can get rid of this debt. My psych says my spending got us into this mess and I need to get us out. But at the price of my sanity???
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