![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 3:10:00
I posted this on the "social" thread before realizing it is probably more approp. here.
I'm not sure if I can barge in here, hope I don't offend, I need some advice or something.
This is the 4th night in a row I'm up, can't sleep, because I'm completely infuriated about my brother's wife-to-be (WEDDING IS THIS SATURDAY!). I'm not a violent person, but my disgust with this chick runs so deep I have visions of punching her face in all the time.
My nuclear family consists of mom, dad, 2 sister (30, 24) and 1 brother (26). Me, 29. My sis and I are married. Sis has 2 kids.
4 years ago my bro met this girl we'll call Barf. She was pleasant for the first 2 years. We all tried hard to welcome her like we would anyone, joke with her, invite her places, chat, etc. She was always reserved. After maybe year 2, she started to just be quiet with us, not talk, act pissed that she had to be spending time with us. (We get together a lot). To make a long story short, I last saw my bro. when I got married this past Dec. She came and spoke to no one for the 4 days (wedding was in Mexico).
I hate her for how she makes my mom feel. I hate her because since my brother met her, he can't think for himself, I hate her for convincing my brother that his family is evil, I hate her for being a gold-digger. I hate her for sitting there and not talking to anyone when we see her. I hate her, queen of wedding etiquette, for not asking my mom if there was anyone she wanted to invite to the wedding. I hate her for being pre-law when she met my brother and changing to education with 1 year left of school once she new she had him (and she's no humanitarian), I hate her for buying a brand new Lexus on a teacher's salary. I hate her for picking out the 2.5 carat diamond that was her engagemnt ring, I hate that I have to spend $600 to get to her wedding this weekend.
I've tried and tried and tried to accept her. I've prayed, I've meditated, I've talked to her, my brother, my family, my dog...
People say, live and let live. And this is your brother's fault, not hers. And people have every right to chose their own life. blah blah blah
I know that in my head. I CAN NOT get it to my heart. I feel like the only way I can let go of this is if she knows exactly how I feel. If I can say, "Barf, I know your a gold-digger, you treat my brother like a slave, you offer this world nothing, you are a blood-sucker, and I wish you would go far far away." I know what would happen, I'd lose my bro forever.
Almost a year ago I was consumed by this and so I called him. I asked him if they were still in love. (I told him they seem sort of unhappy, maybe stressed? lately, they used to TOUCH each other and LOOK AT each other). I wanted to let him know I was concerned and that it was important to me that he be happy. I asked him if he felt loved. He said yes. The conversation was pleasant and sweet. A couple of months later I realize my brother is upset with me. Apparently, he had changed his mind and found my question to be intrusive and offensive (surely after telling Barf about the conversation, she told him what to think). Things went down hill with all of us from there. We really aren't nosey people. We give each other lots of space. But we are close in that, we get together for fun, becasue we enjoy each other's company. (Well, bro and Barf now excluded).
I know many who read this will see me as being in the wrong. I feel wrong. I desperately want release. I get it for a week and then it comes back full force.
My husband says, what do you want? What do you want to happen? That question irks me. I don't know. I think I just want to put her in her place. Like how dare you come into our family and cause problems? How dare you make my mom feel this way? I want her to know that I know she wouldn't be with my bro if he wasn't bucks up. Okay, and this is sick, but it's like I want her to be submissive to me. My older sister and I are older than her. She's supposed to kiss up just a little, not email our while family a document stating 5 rules for their relationship as it relates to us (which she did). Face it, anytime you're the "addition" to a fmaily, you should be on your good behavior, and she's not following those rules. I want her to know that I know she manipulates my brother.
It will be a year in July that I've been doing this. I want to be done with it. But more urgently, I want to make it through this pretentious wedding.
Does anyone have any advice. Even if you criticize me, it will help (eventually).
Thanks for "listening". This got way too long.
Margie
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 8, 2005, at 8:42:50
In reply to Can't get past this HATRED, posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 3:10:00
Margie, I think it's wonderful that you posted and asked for advice. You are way too close to the forest to see the trees. I think you're so close to the forest, your nose is to the bark.
I don't know why, but I feel like I'm channeling Abigail Van Buren.
If you love your brother, you will purge yourself, block this out, put on a mask, whatever it is you have to do, to be there and celebrate his wedding with him. This is his day, and whatever you think of her is irrelevant. He made his choice. Honor him.
And the day after. And the day after that. Do it again. And again.
I know you called him that day out of love and concern. And whether it had anything to do with how things changed, or not, you basically set him up to choose between two options. He made his choice.
That doesn't stop him from being your brother, who you love very much. And you will be there for him, if the wheels do come off his world, the way you fear they might. As his sister, I think you should try to be there for him if the wheels stay on his Barfmobile, too. Their financial world is really none of your business.
You're upset over things over which you have no control. Not only do you have no control over them, they really are none of your business. Your mom can speak to her daughter-in-law-to-be, or her son, to clear things up. Or her husband could do that. How did it fall to you to bear the indignation?
The Serenity Prayer is a very useful exultation. It was not written for AA, nor does it only belong there. Its printed history has been traced back at least to the 14th century, and the philosophy itself has been traced to Boethius (480-524 A.D.).
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the differenceOr, the people version thereof:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the ones I can
And the wisdom to know that one is meFor your own sake, and peace, if you find yourself unable to work through this on your own, I suggest that you find a good family relationship counsellor. Somebody who understands power struggles in family dynamics. I think that's what's at issue here. Who is in control.
All the best,
Lar
Posted by Susan47 on June 8, 2005, at 11:12:04
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED » margie24, posted by Larry Hoover on June 8, 2005, at 8:42:50
Sweetie, you're not my ex-sister-in-law, are you?
Allow me to write something indirectly, to her, to this Leslie, this sister of my ex-husband.Did it occur to you that your sister-in-law to-be has a life of her own, she has a right to it, and she has a right to be with your brother if they both choose it? And they do. And you're interfering. Because he's the youngest, the baby of the family, you've always felt extra-close to him, you had a special empathy. And he's the only boy, is that right? I could have got that wrong. IN any case, he's opposite sex and he's younger and you're jealous as hell, you can't see that because it would be exposing a part of you you can't admit to having, you're a "nice" girl.
You're making your brother's wife-to-be, you're making her life hell, did you know that? Did you know that her reaction to you and your family is a direct result of the jealousy you're unwilling to see, most likely, all of you, mom included?
Did you know that you definitely can break up the marriage of a loving couple,
did you know that you could damage their relationship permanently with your emotional blackmail of your brother?
Get therapy.
It's you who are no good to anyone right now. It's you who has the power to be your brother's great friend and supporter, to be strong and good and wise, to love his new partner, to accept her so that she can finally relax; do you have any idea, my dear, how it feels to be outnumbered by vicious gossiping people who are ready to hate you just because of your ability to usurp what they perceive as being theirs, which never was? You have no right to ball-bust your brother like this.
You're emotionally abusing both of them.
Get over it.
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 8, 2005, at 11:33:36
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED » Larry Hoover, posted by Susan47 on June 8, 2005, at 11:12:04
You're talking to me?
Posted by Susan47 on June 8, 2005, at 11:39:34
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED » Susan47, posted by Larry Hoover on June 8, 2005, at 11:33:36
NO, I have no idea how that happened, I goofed, I'm talking to MARGIE.
Posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 14:54:26
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED » Susan47, posted by Larry Hoover on June 8, 2005, at 11:33:36
Thanks so much Larry. Your post truly brought me closer to sanity.
The bottom line is it is not my business and I can love him through this. Thanks for reminding me. You're right, I look way past the solution.
I actually have the Serenity Prayer written on a hankerchief for the wedding. My sponsor always tells me "who knows their relationship may last longer than any of yours."Susan, thanks as well. I asked for it and I got it. I have to say my blood boiled when I read your reply, but in the end I see your point. They both have every right to choose for themselves. I keep forgetting.
I really think this is different in that we never were especially close to my brother. We usually saw him once a month at the most and I rarely spoke to him on the phone. But when we did see him, it was always wonderful. So, I don't think it's jealousy (could be, but don't think so). I don't really feel like I have lost something I once had with him.
I called off a wedding 3 months before hand in some part because of a sister-in-law. She and his mom called him almost everyday. It sucked for me.
I've always acknowledged, especially to Barf, how difficult it must be to come into a family of girls. Girls can be like vultures.
Anyway, I won't try to defend myself. I know this is wrong. It feels wrong. That's why I'm here.
But, Susan, every situation is different. I think my sisters and I made some mistakes, but they weren't out of trying to keep our brother all for ourselves.Thanks again.
I really appreciate you both taking the time to advise me. I really do feel more at peace.Margie
Posted by Larry Hoover on June 8, 2005, at 17:16:32
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED, posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 14:54:26
> Thanks so much Larry. Your post truly brought me closer to sanity.
You're welcome. I'm glad.
> The bottom line is it is not my business and I can love him through this. Thanks for reminding me. You're right, I look way past the solution.
> I actually have the Serenity Prayer written on a hankerchief for the wedding. My sponsor always tells me "who knows their relationship may last longer than any of yours."Your sponsor. I had no idea you were a friend of Bill's. I don't go to meetings any more, but the wisdom lives on.
Lar
Posted by margie24 on June 9, 2005, at 2:46:10
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED » margie24, posted by Larry Hoover on June 8, 2005, at 17:16:32
Yes, I'm a friend of Bill's. I'm embarrassed to say my last meeting was 4 months ago. I'm in such better shape when I go. This wouldn't be happening this way.
I managed to work this down to a healthy level on this and the relationship board. I'm so glad I found this board. My life was becoming unmanageable.
I prayed about it, but wasn't willing to turn it over, funny how that works. There's this wooden placard on our walls, I see it so clearly, slightly tilted and dusty, yellowed from smoke. It says: Live and let live. Man that's a hard one for me.
Margie
Posted by annierose on June 9, 2005, at 7:30:11
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED, posted by margie24 on June 9, 2005, at 2:46:10
on poor Margie. I try not to say anything if I cannot be supportive to someone and their situation.
Annierose
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 9, 2005, at 22:32:17
In reply to Re: Susan, I think you were a bit rough ..., posted by annierose on June 9, 2005, at 7:30:11
Posted by justyourlaugh on June 10, 2005, at 4:04:37
In reply to Can't get past this HATRED!, posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 2:46:39
i loved your post..however..i was the "barf"..totally missunderstood...(somehow people wearing black were low class)..i never defended myself in the early years about social status...never said how much i came from..
the education...
it is my fault he does not relate to his family like he should...they have shown their hate towards me over 15 years...
he is another son to my parents..and one of my brothers best friend...
his mom made me stand on the porch if i came over..and wouldnt tell him i was there...
call hgang up...call hang up(when i answered)..for years...heard of call display bitch?
cant get passed their hatred for me...(they know about menatl issues as well)...
point....give her another chance...trust your bro....drop the shoulders...it is his love...
j
Posted by PM80 on June 10, 2005, at 12:56:51
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED » Larry Hoover, posted by Susan47 on June 8, 2005, at 11:12:04
> you're making her life hell
> You're emotionally abusing both of them.
WHAT??? These statements are way overboard and absolutely false, in my opinion.Your post has many valid points, but these almost seem flat-out malicious toward margie. Did you really mean to say this to your own in-laws?
Margie is asking for help to a problem that she honestly from the get-go tried to do her best in the way she knew how. Consider this for a moment: Is it possible that Margie acted how she would have wanted someone to act towards her, but unfortunately the wife-to-be is a very different person who did not understand it the way it was given? Then things got worse from there, with miscommunication then hurt and anger on BOTH ends?
The last lines of your post just came off as nasty to me. Are you worried that you might have some small responsibility yourself for your own poor relationship with your in-laws? That possibly on some level you've misunderstood their intentions/actions a little? Does it scare you to even consider it?
I really do not feel that margie deserves your anger. It is in no way supportive, and this place is about support.
Posted by Susan47 on June 11, 2005, at 0:42:15
In reply to Re: Can't get past this HATRED » Susan47, posted by PM80 on June 10, 2005, at 12:56:51
From what Margie has to say about "Barf", and the way she feels "Barf" is treating her now, and the anger she displayed towards her verbally, I'd say that you may be right. Maybe Margie did act the way she wanted someone to act towards her.
I apologize for hurting anyone's feelings.
Posted by Susan47 on June 12, 2005, at 23:07:54
In reply to Can't get past this HATRED, posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 3:10:00
I see I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry for that. Maybe I didn't hurt your feelings, maybe I offended you. I've offended others as well, and that's what sometimes happens when people are triggered .. they respond poorly. I was made a victim of my sister-in-law. The horrible things you said about your own SIL made me extremely angry. I responded in the heat of my anger.. which was considerable.
I hope you had a lovely time at the wedding. I hope your brother appreciated the effort you made.
Posted by Margie24 on June 14, 2005, at 0:04:54
In reply to Margie, Please Accept My Apologies, posted by Susan47 on June 12, 2005, at 23:07:54
I'm back from the wedding. It was unbelieveable. I've never witnessed behavior like I saw this weekend before in my life. On the positive side, I got to see my mother stand stronger than I have ever seen her before. She was amazing and example of something I hope I can be eventually. On the negative side, we all recieved undeniable confirmation of our worst fears. This girl is worse than we thought. I'm in so much pain. I pray constantly. I don't want to respond becasue it hurts. I was so positive. But I owe it to you guys. I slept all day today and got up only to read your posts.
I'll just say this. My sisters and I, most of all my mom, smiled till the end. We acted 'as if'. We questioned ourselves, and our behaviors. We did precisely what we believed our brother would want. He told my dad before the wedding he just wanted us to support him, and we did.
Here goes...
At the ceremony, we were escorted to the FOURTH row. My older sister asked if we could sit closer and he said, how bout here. we sat in third row. No one sat in front of us. SIL's (sister-in-law) brother's girlfriend was told to sit in front row and she said it loud so we could hear. During the vows, the bridesmaids (these horrible snobs) glanced directly (and ONLY) at my sister and I several times. They actually had to turn their necks! At the ceremony, the 3 sisters were excluded from the photos. When photographer was finsihed, she asked if anyone had any other ideas, pictures, etc. My mom said well, they liked the stained glass so much, how about getting a pic. of them there. My SIL's mother bursts out and says 'we're in charge here.' My stunned mother says, 'oh' and sits in a pew. My bros best man comes over, puts his arm around her and say 'i think that was a great idea'. (thank god)
During the reception, the bride and groom never left their seats. Only to do the dance and cut cake. To congratulate them, I would have had to face the table of glaring bridemaids. Beyond that, I'd never been to a wedding that was sit-down the entire time. I saw no one else go over and I wasn;t sure that was the etiquette. I thought, if I stayed out of the sight of SIL, she'd be most happy anyway. Apparently not, when my BIL went to say goodbye, SIL's mom (who'd been glaring at me periodically) asked him when I was going to come over and thank her. (!!) When he said goodbye to SIL and bro, SIL said it has broken their heart that I have not come over. (!!) BUT, when my older sister went over to the table to ask if she could get a picture with them and all of our family who came, SIL painfully got up and as they prepared for the photo says, "can't we just do this after the wedding, we're trying to eat our cake." The tone was horrible (honestly). I swear you had to be there to believe it. My sister was so shocked, we all were. She turned and walked away. SIL grabbed my bro's hand and they walk off. That wasn't the worst though. After the dance, was a toast from the best man and father. Afterward, with my bro and SIL still standing there, my mother walks up and says "May I say something." SIL says "come on", grabs my bros hand and they walk off, leaving her their with people staring. There were other things, there are also things I could tell you that would be more like perceptions or just vibes, but I won't get into all that.
ANYONE who has read this thread must think I am leaving something out or exaggerating. Like, what did you do to this girl. I wish, more than anything, I knew. All I know is we love our brother and she knows that. We are good people and don;t have temper tantrums in public. We are not ugly to people. We don't look down on people.
I believe without pain you don;t grow as a person. I mean REALLY grow. I've been asked to continue to love my brother and support him. I know that's what "god" would ask of me. I don;t have that strength right now. I love my bro as he was years ago and I love who I thought he was. I can't let this girl into my life anymore. She is not welcome into my home or life for the way she treated my mother. I don't feel anger anymore. I feel disgust and confusion.
I went there with the intention of starting over. I actually began to blame myself, thinking I didn;t do everything I could have to make her feel like she was a part of the family, totally accepted. She says we didn;t welcome her. She is so hurt by our actions. But the truth of the matter is, she had to be hurt by us. We HAD to do something to her in order for her to get what she wanted.
I have a question for you all (if you've made it to the end of this novel). When the thought of a person and their actions eats you alive, and you realize the only thing you can do is not think of it anymore, TO ACCEPT IT, to let it go...HOW DO YOU DO THAT? I want to more than anything right now.
Some have suggested having lunch or something with her. Before this wedding, I would have. I even bought her this gold pineapple bookmark once I got there, which symbolizes "welcome". I won't give it to her, becasue she's not. I feel cheated, disrespected, put on display. I feel unloved by my brother. I'm sad, angry, consumed. I believe she wanted nothing more than to get rid of us and she has. I believe she has convinced my brother that we are the problem, with no evidence but her constant manipulation and false interpretations. I am convinced that she felt she could not control my brother while we had a place in his life. I think I believe in "God's" plan. LIke a plan of the universe. I know I believe in karma. I know there is a reason for this. If I do keep my mouth shut and not call SIL's mom and SIL, it will be one of the greatest acts of self-control for me to date.
Thank you all sooo very much for your advise, suggestions, guidance, and just for seeming to care about the plight of a total stranger.
Margie
Posted by Tamar on June 14, 2005, at 7:45:45
In reply to Re: Margie, Please Accept My Apologies, posted by Margie24 on June 14, 2005, at 0:04:54
Hello Margie,
I’ve been following your thread without really knowing what to say. It sounds as if you had a really hard time at the wedding. But congratulations to you on being able to act ‘as if’ and trying to support your brother as much as you could. It really sounds as if her family and your family are coming from very different backgrounds, with different ideas of what is acceptable social behaviour.
I don’t know if I can really fully understand how awful it is for you. There have been times when I’ve been hurt by an in-law’s actions, but it wasn’t as bad as the situation you’re describing. I do feel for you though.
I’d really like to encourage you to carry on trying to be the bigger person. I think since you feel so strongly about her, there’s no point trying to invite your SIL for lunch or anything like that. I really think the best course of action is to keep your distance, try not to contact her, and be polite even if she’s being rude. Her rudeness reflects on her, not on you.
I doubt she will change. And your brother will probably want to defend her as long as he feels you don’t like her.
You might want to try writing her a letter BUT DON’T SEND IT!!! At least if you are able to express all your feelings you might feel a bit better. Then just keep your letter in a drawer and read it whenever you feel the need to vent a bit.
The bottom line is that your brother has chosen to spend his life with her, and even if you don’t like her, nevertheless she is your brother’s wife. I’m sorry things are so hard for you. But I think the only course of action is to try to get along with her whenever you have to be with her, and try to avoid her the rest of the time. I imagine that the less you think about her, the better you will feel.
If you can aim for a point where you can roll your eyes and think, ‘dreadful woman’ instead of being consumed by anger at her shortcomings you will probably find it easier to deal with her.
I wish you luck. I don’t think it will be easy. But you have shown that you are willing to try to do the best for your brother, which is very much to your credit.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on June 14, 2005, at 20:58:23
In reply to Re: Margie, Please Accept My Apologies, posted by Margie24 on June 14, 2005, at 0:04:54
The best course of actions is to stay away from her and avoid her except in unavoidable circumstances.
If your brother is a reasonable person and if he loves your family, he will try to keep her in line and make sure your family is not hurt. But it is your brother's responsibility to see to it that the two sides of his life are at peaceful coexistence. If he loves her so much that he doesn't mind you getting hurt, then you cannot do anything about it other than let go. And hope that he will one day come to see you. Meanwhile, try to be patient, and loving and udnerstanding towards your borther, and tolerant of your SIL when you need to meet her.
Really, when one person is very awful, all that you can do is to stay away.
Develop hobbies and a full active life for yourself, and that will help keep your mind away from dwelving more in your SIL.
Posted by Susan47 on June 14, 2005, at 22:20:22
In reply to Re: Margie, Please Accept My Apologies, posted by Margie24 on June 14, 2005, at 0:04:54
I know this isn't all in your own head. Wives can freeze out SIL's and they do, maybe you've got one of those type for a SIL. I've been on that side of the fence, as well, where my brother's wife couldn't stand any of his family; a lot of the reason I think is because of the stuff he told her, the way he was raised was really really bad, the way she saw it. Because she loved him, I guess, she got angry on his behalf, sort of, I think. Then that started her pulling him away from us, the family .. but the weird thing is, I never felt like I was part of the family, I felt like she was judging me from what she'd heard, and talked about with others, and her opinion of me just got worse and worse, and finally there was just nothing anybody could do to salvage that relationship. I used to go over there and after a visit with my brother's wife and kids, sometimes I just drove home sobbing, because I was so frozen out, but it wasn't because of me, she was cold, just so very proper and cold. She was like that to a lot of people.
It just sounds like your new SIL might be like that, too, maybe, from the sounds of the wedding itself, seems like nobody was really having a good time, maybe everybody else feels the same way about her that you do?
Hmm.
Posted by panthers!!! on June 16, 2005, at 12:27:00
In reply to Can't get past this HATRED, posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 3:10:00
Hi Margie,
I saw your thread and I felt for you. I have had family issues myself with a step-mother for YEARS! She was the same description you have given of your brother's wife. I held grudges, had violent thoughts, used the same words to describe her, however I finally realized that the problem was really not mine. I acted as though it was mine, as if I was married to her, as if she was taking MY money not my Dad's.... But the fact is, I chose to burden myself by judging, creating hostility and ultimately I lost my Dad and his relationship for several years because of ME! Ultimately, I lost. She did not change, I was miserable and angry and hateful, and I lost my family relations for a long time. I decided I was going to change ME because I longed for my father's relationship and this hurt more than any anger ever could. All the time that passed before I got a grip that I needed to change. It was so very hard to decide to release these built-up feelings, but I'll tell you what, after I did it and it was for ME, no one else, I have never felt more free. I use this in every relationship I am in, and I think if you really do this, YOU WILL BE SO FREE!However, the truth is that you need to ask yourself some questions...TOUGH QUESTIONS! These questions HAVE to be asked and you will use this for any relationship that may have some struggles or issues.
WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN so you can answer them and actually see all of your feelings on paper. Take a lot of time to do this, as much as you need, really contemplate these thoughts and be brutally honest with yourself. Do this at a time you have some privacy and quiet. This will organize your mind and compartmentalize your feelings into small manageable pieces. This makes our true feelings less cluttered with chatter and others opinions. Write only exactly what you feel, your answers inside of you, forget everyone else for a moment...
O.K. Here are the questions:(PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TRY THIS ENTIRE EXERCISE IF YOU ARE TRULY COMMITTED TO RELEASE AS YOU STATED IN YOUR THREAD :))What are all of the reasons I dislike "BARF"? (why YOU dislike her, as far as her, not your bro, mom or anyone else)
What are all the things "BARF" has done to me personally? (again, just you such as name calling to your face, hitting, stealing, anything you have had done to you by her)
What do I resent "BARF" for in respect to my family? (now you may list all of the issues concerning your brother, mother etc., things you feel have changed, missed out on, things such as this)
What values does "BARF" hold that I disagree with? (In respect to money, social issues, anything she has expressed verbally or you have interpreted through observation)
What does "BARF" have that I am envious of? (Cars, Jewels, friends, looks, time w/ bro, anything in this area. BE HONEST!It is O.K. to write it down, or you will never be able to completely heal.)
What has hurt me most since "BARF" and I have shared the same family? (time w/brother, seeing mom sad, etc. NO BLAMING! Just what has hurt YOU!!!What efforts have I made to approach "BARF" and express these hurt feelings to HER?
What have I done to be supportive toward my brother and his wife "BARF" since their marriage? (BE HONEST)
What negative effects has my family experienced/still experiencing by holding on to this hatred for "BARF"? (List arguments w/husband, kids, mothers, missing family get togethers, etc.)
What am I showing/teaching my family and my brother with this anger and hatred for "BARF"?(holding grudges, being judgemental, gossip, etc.) Do these actions help my family and I grow or does it create tension and dissolve happiness?
What do I value most in my life and of my family? (honesty, integrity, etc.)
Am I living according to my values? With my brother? With "BARF"?
What do I need to do to live according to my values and beliefs?
How can I set an example for my family, which is so very dear to me, to show by ACTIONS and words that I live according to my values (even if it may still not have the exact outcome I expect?)
What can I DO to stay true to myself and my family and what WILL I do to release the anger and pain that may be challenging but necessary to learn acceptance?
What are the issues regarding my brother and "BARF" that I will no longer be angry, mad, upset, hurt, etc. affected by because I will no longer hold on to them as they are NOT mine? (Their money issues, jobs, their relationship, etc)
What will I SAY to my brother to let him know that I am wrong for over-stepping my boundaries? (Though I may not agree with some of his decisions completely, I will NOT let my personal bias, opinion or judgement disrupt our family nucleus any longer as our family and OUR relationship is so important to me I will unconditionally love you and I have complete respect for your relationship with "BARF" and I am SORRY that precious time has been taken from us.
KEEP THIS AND REALLY UNDERSTAND IT. You will be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually free when you finally release your negative feelings and prosper in your new free life!!!
How do I want to release this anger once and for all!?!? Get a cup or plate that you can throw out. Write the top 15 words you have used to describe "BARF" or words you associate with her in a negative way and write it on the plate w/marker. {I know this sounds silly, but it works!!} Now, go to an area of your home or yard or wherever you will have quiet. Tell yourself this: "I am ready to release all of the anger I have had for "BARF" today. I no longer resent, hate, judge, or devalue "BARF". "Barf" is a part of my family now and she makes my brother happy and I WILL be happy for him. I will no longer believe or value these words: (say words on plate) and I will not let these words exit my mouth in regard to ANY member of my family, regardless of the circumstances. By smashing this plate, I am destroying all of the negative thoughts, feelings, and words that have held me back from living my life as I want with the values I truly uphold.
SMASH THE PLATE! Stand there for just a moment and take in a fresh breath of air. Smells sooooo Good!!!
Keep several pieces of this plate and keep it to remind you of your commitment to your family and your values.
If you would like, have your family watch this so they will know the extent of your commitment to change for the better.
YOU DID IT!!!!!!I hope this has been a real life changing process for you and others if they are able to read this.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
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