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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 20:11:14
I am.
I spend a lot of time in my room by myself. Doing a variety of things. Reading. Watching TV. Playing computer games. Listening to music. Writing. Haven't been all that productive lately, so playing computer games and watching tv mostly.
But a lot of time in my room by myself.
I have flatmates.
They seem to hang out in the lounge sometimes.
And the kitchen sometimes.
I very rarely talk with them.
Just go off to my room.
I like the atmosphere to be friendly.
I get that I have to talk to them a little bit
A little bit more than a mere 'hello' to try and keep that friendly atmosphere.
So I try and do that.
But thats all.
I've always been like that.
My mother used to make me spend a lot of time in my room by myself.
When I moved into the home I continued with that. I guess I tried to sort of make friends with the other people there.
But they were very different from me.
Spent a lot of time by myself.
Then, when I was diagnosed with BPD I didn't think I should be round people.
I mean... If I am manipulative and attention seeking and all the rest of it then it sounds like people would be better off without me.
I moved into a self contained flat out the back of a house
And locked myself in there for a while.
My moods used to get really really really intensely bad.
I didn't know what was wrong.
But... Lonely I guess. And I didn't think there was anything to be done.
After I broke my legs I had to move into on campus accomodation because of disability access. That went a lot better than expected. I got on with one of my flatmates pretty good and we would hire an x-box and play games. I didn't get so distressed there. But then I had to move into a flat cause I didn't apply for next year in time. And things were hard in the flat. Back in my room. Maybe I'm just anti-social.The only time it has been different...
Is when I hang out a lot with my druggie mates.
And when I was living in a relationship for a while.Somebody said something over on psychology in relation to something else but it got me thinking...
Am I just repeating the trauma?
Whats an adequate resolution supposed to be?
Me to meet someone and move in with them?
Someone who will come and talk to me
And get me out of my head space?
It did work like that when I was in the relationship.
It did.
It is amazing how an environmental change can help or harm so profoundly.But I'll never meet anyone spending all my time in my room.
But I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of people.
Its ok here cause the civility rules keep things safe.
But even in private.
What people get up to off the boards
In emails
It frightens me.
Because I realise that this is an artificial world.
The civility rules are enforced here as they couldn't be IRL
And IRL things aren't safe.
And I don't like people
People who would say all sorts of things behind your back
And detest you
And I just want to curl up by myself
With the door locked.
And I have no earthly idea
What is to become of me.
And what my role in life is anyway.
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe my supervisor feels sorry for me cause there isn't a lot else to be done
It looks as though he has realised that I am not capable of full time work
And that means... I'm screwed. Basically. I don't know what I am supposed to do.I don't even think I know what I want to do anymore. I haven't found my place. I thought, I always thought my place was here. But now I know it is not. But... I really don't know that there is a place for me in this world.
I don't like the medical / deficit model.
But it is starting to seem appropriate
(once more)
I'm broken.
Posted by Damos on June 26, 2005, at 20:59:30
In reply to I'm afraid of people, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 20:11:14
You in there Alex? Wanna come for a coffee or something, or just hang out?
I kinda know what you mean. You pretty much described my life too. If it wasn't for going to work I wouldn't see anyone or muc anything else except sit here like I am now. And like I said before now my coffee shop people have sold the business I don't feel rght there either.
You're absolutely right environment changes can make a huge difference. When I went to Western Australia a couple of years ago (running from my darkness). I was totally different in myself and how I interacted with he people in the little town I stayed in. Probably because all the other pressures were released for that week and I just let myself be.
I don't think you're anti-social partly because it's just another limiting label, but also because I just don't get that feeling from you. It's more like you're self-contained. It's also as you so, how you were forced to be for a long time. But like you I find it very difficult to share space with others (except puppy of course).
I'm nearly 41 and I still don't know what I'm supposed to do and have never had the slightest idea. And no you can't just go out and do it. It doesn't work that way. I can't explain the couple of good friends I have at work, cause I don't know how they happened. All I do know is that I had a good feeling about them right from the start.
It hurts when you're hurting. Wish I could just wrap you up in my arms and make it all better. You help me a lot you know, just by being you and talking to me and being my friend.
Wish I could be all the king's horses and all he king's men and put my friend Alex togeher again.
Love you dearly my friend. There will be someone for whom all you are is everything they could ever need and more.
Posted by Damos on June 26, 2005, at 21:02:16
In reply to I'm afraid of people, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 20:11:14
I could call you and we could talk. Can't claim to be much good on the phone. Email me if you want to damien_faulkner@ yahoo.com.au
Posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 21:08:01
In reply to Knock, knock, knock..... » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on June 26, 2005, at 20:59:30
I sort of have a couple of friends at work... Sort of. One of them is hard to explain. Her mother is verrrry wealthy so in a way she doesn't have to worry. Her mother just sort of travels around the country as she feels like it and my officemate housesits the beautiful house and the pets and so forth. Because she has that secure base she seems to be really aloof. She'll be your mate if life circumstances throw you in her path and she can see that it is to her advantage. But I've been ignored by her before when she didn't think it was worth her while so I am wary of her. The other officemate is terrific. But he is married and his wife sort of tolerates us out of politeness I think... I imagine we will lose touch as one or both of us move on.
I don't think I'll ever be able to work. I don't know... I manage to study full time. But tutoring on top is just too hard. When you are just writing your own research it is hard to compare that to full time work. It doesn't compare I guess. I don't think I'd ever be capable of handling a full time job. And I know that there is no way in the world that I'd be any good with kids either.
Thanks Damos.
Thank you.
Posted by Susan47 on June 26, 2005, at 22:47:50
In reply to Re: Knock, knock, knock..... » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 21:08:01
I get the impression you're living in an academic atmosphere and academics can be really lousy at relationships. I wish you wouldn't judge yourself on the basis of the shortcomings of your fellows. You don't seem antisocial much, here on the boards. It's not false relationships you're having here, and it's not just civility guidelines that make this place safe for you, Alex. I don't think. Real life relationships are made here, too. People IRL lose touch with each other so much, they're too willing to let relationships die, and I honestly think we can get to a place in our lives where we're making good friends, friends we can keep forever, if we have the desire to care about others. Maybe I'm naive, but that's how it's been happening, for me.
Posted by anastasia56 on June 27, 2005, at 10:40:00
In reply to I'm afraid of people, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 20:11:14
one of the first questions i would ask myself (and i have) is "am i happy seeing as few or as many people as i do?" i can't tell from your post if you feel like you should be interacting with more people because society tells you you should...or because you want to?
ana
Posted by sunny10 on June 27, 2005, at 11:53:27
In reply to I'm afraid of people, posted by alexandra_k on June 26, 2005, at 20:11:14
you're here.
The therapists say that in order to get over our insecurities, we have to be able to name them in order to start.
you're not naming yours, Alex. You're not afraid of people, you're afraid of how you interact with them. you're afraid of letting someone get close enough to hurt you like the last one hurt you.
And as I write this, "you" is me. I'm in a relationship now, but am still so scared that he'll leave me like all of the others, I am f*cking it up all on my own. I am just trying to keep my mouth shut at this point and not sabotague myself in this relationship (at least while I am vulnerable and depressed)...But between relationships, I always isolate, too.
If my "transference" isn't right on the money with you, too, please forgive me.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2005, at 21:25:03
In reply to Re: I'm afraid of people, posted by anastasia56 on June 27, 2005, at 10:40:00
> one of the first questions i would ask myself (and i have) is "am i happy seeing as few or as many people as i do?"
Mostly... I am happy. There are opportunities that I don't take up because I wanna play Sim City! Or because I'd rather talk to you lot :-)
Occasionally... I am lonely. And the opportunities aren't there at that time. And I can be an impatient wretch sometimes.
I guess I think a bit about how maybe I should be a bit more outgoing. That way I won't find myself in that nasty place. But realistically... How often do I find myself there? I'm starting to think PMS is the real problem...
;-)
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2005, at 21:30:20
In reply to Re: you're not afraid of people » alexandra_k, posted by sunny10 on June 27, 2005, at 11:53:27
> you're not naming yours, Alex. You're not afraid of people, you're afraid of how you interact with them.
:-(
Yeah. I guess so.
Sometimes I can observe myself interacting with others.
Through the lens of... Um... Somebodys theory. It was a long time ago... Like on Sim people where you see the little pluses by their heads when there is a positive social interaction. And sometimes only one person gets that. And sometimes both people get that. And it can change as the conversation progresses. And there can be little minuses too when someone is getting f*cked off or bored or whatever.
And the aim of the game is to get little pluses all round.
:-(But it is rather hard to have a conversation when I just see these little bubbles with pluses and minuses in them :-(
The coolest thing is being able to put your sim people into your sim city.
Sorry.
I'll be ok.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2005, at 21:35:51
In reply to Re: Knock, knock, knock..... » alexandra_k, posted by Susan47 on June 26, 2005, at 22:47:50
Hey Susan.
I'll be ok.
Just going up and down on the rollercoaster.
Bit of a down past few days, but things will pick up again I guess.
Posted by sunny10 on June 28, 2005, at 10:29:49
In reply to Re: you're not afraid of people » sunny10, posted by alexandra_k on June 27, 2005, at 21:30:20
ah, so you have trouble living in the moment, too... always analyzing wverything you say and do (and what everyone else says and does, too).
Mea culpa -- I am also very guilty of this. I am trying hard to live in the moment... funny thing is that trying too hard has the same result! Analyzing myself to see how well I'm doing!
I'm just hoping pratice will eventually put me in the moment without having to force myself to do it.
This is the end of the thread.
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