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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ariel on June 28, 2005, at 13:52:19
I am so tired of thinking about him! It's pathetic! We haven't been a real couple (if we ever were) for over two years now, but i can't stop myself from answering his messages. I broke up with him once. It didn't take. He made me into the bad guy. I wouldn't play that role. I got back together with him. Circumstances have prevented us from actively pursuing what we had previously. I can't let go this time. I refuse to be one who does the breaking up.
It's all so silly and childish. I need a figurative kick in the pants. Please help!
Posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 14:50:23
In reply to Need support to get over married lover! Help!, posted by ariel on June 28, 2005, at 13:52:19
> I am so tired of thinking about him! It's pathetic! We haven't been a real couple (if we ever were) for over two years now, but i can't stop myself from answering his messages.
Are you single? Or are you married too?
> I broke up with him once. It didn't take. He made me into the bad guy.
I don’t want to sound too conventional, but there are some people who might suggest that he is the bad guy if he’s stringing you along while remaining married to another woman…
> I wouldn't play that role. I got back together with him. Circumstances have prevented us from actively pursuing what we had previously. I can't let go this time. I refuse to be one who does the breaking up.
>
> It's all so silly and childish. I need a figurative kick in the pants. Please help!I would just ask... If you don't have what you used to have, are you content? Do you expect to continue to have a relationship with him for the next 20 years while he remains married to someone else?
It’s just my opinion, but I tend to think that single women in relationships with married men are unlikely to find much real happiness. All that waiting around, trying to get a chance to see him, keeping your relationship secret, never inviting other couples over for dinner, never spending holidays together, not being able to spend the night together on a regular basis…
It’s your life to live and your decision to make. But don’t sell yourself short!
Tamar
Posted by crazyteresa on June 29, 2005, at 18:15:22
In reply to Need support to get over married lover! Help!, posted by ariel on June 28, 2005, at 13:52:19
That's right! You deserve MUCH more than this kind of a relationship. As hard as it may be, ask yourself what his motivation is regarding you. Maybe your old relationship can't resume because he has more than one girlfriend... What is your motivation? Is he safe because he's married? Change your number and start over with someone who will give you an honest relationship.
Posted by ariel on June 30, 2005, at 10:10:45
In reply to Re: Need support to get over married lover! Help! » ariel, posted by crazyteresa on June 29, 2005, at 18:15:22
(I wrote a whole book and then checked the no message box by mistake! Oh, well, maybe I should edit it down, LOL).
Your are both 1000% right, not-so-crazy Theresa and Tamara. I sold myself very, very short. My boyfriend told me that, too. This affair was unusual in that he was far more honest with me than I was with him. He took me at my word that I would stick by him, even though I was lying through my teeth to myself. I'm not cut out for the "other woman" role. I'm too dominant. By tailoring myself to meet his needs, I ended up with several walloping depressions. Until this relationship, I was always the one who called the shots or, in the case of my long term marriage, met someone halfway, worked it out.
Yeah, it absolutely sucked not having an above the board partnership where my boyfriend wasn't a phantom. He was so very careful and so very much the paterfamilias, that spending more than a few hours during a weekday with me was strictly off limits. The only thing I had to look forward to was the possiblity that when the kids in our respective families were out of the house, he'd work up the courage to spend more time with me. I told myself this was fine while, at the same time, I was consumed with jealousy that his wife got to go food shopping or visit the in laws with him.
So, I'm not writing him anymore. Long story short, he's been largely unavailable these past couple years due to Biblical like family tragedy. It's like God decided to punish him for his transgression, the set backs have been so bad. At the very least, they've been ironic in the extreme. Meanwhile, I've been fortunate to get out of a stupid rebound relationship and resume my life as a mother and very happily retired professional.
I posted because from time to time, I need the support of smart, non-judgemental women like yourselves. Please bear with me if/when I backslide. An intense love affair, however misguided and immature, doesn't loosen its grip quickly or easily.
Posted by crazyteresa on July 1, 2005, at 10:18:10
In reply to Re: Need support to get over married lover! Help!, posted by ariel on June 30, 2005, at 10:10:45
Good for you! It seems like it's harder to do what's really the best for yourself and I'm not sure why. Stay strong. You'll be glad you did!
crazy t
Posted by Susan47 on July 1, 2005, at 11:44:21
In reply to Re: Need support to get over married lover! Help!, posted by ariel on June 30, 2005, at 10:10:45
I'm glad you're a happily retired professional.. sounds like maybe you need to come out of retirement when it comes to dating, though. Are you married right now? It's so difficult being alone, I know that for me it's horrible. I don't do well alone, without the excitement of an affair... it's been a long, long time for me, too long. If someone I was attracted to were to want to see me, I don't know how strong I'd be knowing it would hurt me in the end. I don't know what's harder, being alone always, or being with someone very very part-time. But no matter what, I do know it's good to have a lot of friends. I don't know, I've never been really friends with a man, do you have male friends? Can they help you get over this man?
Posted by ariel on July 1, 2005, at 16:49:45
In reply to Re: Need support to get over married lover! Help! » ariel, posted by Susan47 on July 1, 2005, at 11:44:21
> I'm glad you're a happily retired professional.. sounds like maybe you need to come out of retirement when it comes to dating, though. Are you married right now?
LOL, I like that, the coming out of dating retirement. No, I'm not married anymore. If my husband hadn't completely blown our 20 yr marriage to the point our kids didn't want him around, I would've stayed married. I was a great wife and really enjoyed doing all that married couple stuff, esp. when it came to extended families.
<It's so difficult being alone, I know that for me it's horrible. I don't do well alone, without the excitement of an affair... it's been a long, long time for me, too long. If someone I was attracted to were to want to see me, I don't know how strong I'd be knowing it would hurt me in the end. I don't know what's harder, being alone always, or being with someone very very part-time.>
I've always been someone who craved lots of private time, right from my early childhood. But when one has been left alone, if the time alone isn't of one's choosing, I agree that it's hell. A friend of mine remarked that until a love affair of hers went sour, being alone was comfortable. Once the boyfriend wasn't in the picture, she sank into loneliness. That's the big difference. My very part time boyfriend made feel lonely for the first time in decades. I went from confident, carefree, adventurous, independent, all the attributes he found so compelling, to lonely far too much of the time. That lead to successive depressions. My therapist pulled me out by having me go back to being happily alone (took lots of hard work!). It's "happily" most of the time now. What I'm trying to do is to manage the missing of my boyfriend in a dreamy, nice way, instead of the gnawing pain in the heart way.
If I was to find someone whose definition of part time was getting together once or twice a week, staying in touch thru email, and some phone calls, I'd be pretty darned delighted. The guy I rebounded with smothered me. The day after I broke up with him, I felt positively elated, like I had escaped from prison. A happy medium, like a part time thing, would be fine with me. Why do you feel that you can only have a part time affair? You're single, right? Do you end up with married men, even though you don't intend to?
< But no matter what, I do know it's good to have a lot of friends. I don't know, I've never been really friends with a man, do you have male friends? Can they help you get over this man?>
I miss all the male friends I had over the years. I worked with a largely female staff, but there would always be a guy on staff, too. And we'd always be best friends. Didn't matter if he was straight or gay, we'd hit it off right away. It was a great way to flirt and have fun with a guy not my husband. Very safe. I've considered going online to find a guy just to be my good buddy. I'm not kidding. I have a few close girlfriends of long duration but I am very lazy about socializing with them. I almost always prefer my time alone over time spent with a gf.
Do you have any pets? I am a huge fan of needy pets. Their love is endless and pure. And kids or family? Lastly, have you considered, or are you in, therapy? I resisted for years and years, thinking the Effexor cured me. I've become a true belieer in talk therapy.
This is the end of the thread.
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