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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by LadyBug on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to My husband keeps losing control :-(, posted by pinkeye on July 16, 2005, at 17:12:05
pinkeye
Please don't stick up for behavior that is abuse. Please seek help right away. It will only get worse, as it has already. I don't want to see you get hurt. And it will happen. Nothing is worth going through this. Not money, not love, not anything!!! You don't deserve this!!!!
Fight for yourself and get some help!
Please????
LadyBug
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to My husband keeps losing control :-(, posted by pinkeye on July 16, 2005, at 17:12:05
Why would he change? He's doing what he wants to do, he feels no need to control himself. He would rather not control himself. He controls himself at work, he controls himself in public, I assume since he's not in jail. He chooses not to control himself at home because he sees no need to and no advantage to himself to do so.
Nice guys don't hit their significant others.
If you have children with this man, he may likely hit them. If he doesn't, he'll still be teaching the girls that it's ok to get hit and the boys that it's ok to hit. Your sons will grow up not respecting their mother or other women. Your daughters will grow up thinking they don't deserve respect.
I know you don't want to lose what you have. But that's a heck of a price for your children to pay.
Posted by vwoolf on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to My husband keeps losing control :-(, posted by pinkeye on July 16, 2005, at 17:12:05
Gosh Pinkeye, I really understand where you are at the moment. My husband also loses control and has hit me on several occasions. Yet I can't leave the relationship. People online advised me to get out of the marriage, to call the police. But it is so hard to even imagine that from inside this kind of situation. It is so complex that the simple solutions that people propose seem not to take into account the many layers of self hatred, dependency, love, mothering etc that make up these relationships. If it can be of any help to you, I managed to persuade my husband to come to couples' therapy after the last incident. Since then he has been much more controlled, although I don't know how long it will last.
Thinking of you.
vwoolf
Posted by Poet on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to My husband keeps losing control :-(, posted by pinkeye on July 16, 2005, at 17:12:05
Hi Pinkeye,
Absolutely tell someone who can help you. Please do it right away. If you think that your parents can help, tell them, otherwise call an organization for battered women in your area. They have the resources to help you, give you shelter if you need to get out of there.
Your husband's behavior is unacceptable and you are not to blame. Don't blame yourself for this abuse, it is not your fault. Okay?
Let us know how you are.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to Re: My husband keeps losing control :-( » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 17, 2005, at 8:37:14
I realize that not all children choose to learn the lessons their parents taught them. So I know not all girls whose mothers have been abused allow themselves to be abused, and boys whose mothers were abused themselves abuse others.
But it sure doesn't help to teach that lesson. :(
Posted by pinkeye on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to Addendum, posted by Dinah on July 17, 2005, at 14:37:46
Thanks for so much of caring and support. I feel much better today after a crappy day.
My husband apologizes profusely.. he says he recognizes what he did was wrong.. For sometime he was trying to blame me, that I was the cause of it, and that he was feeling hungry and I didn't feed him, but then I told him everymonth it is a different reason that he comes up with.. One month it is about me saying soemthing, the other month it is about me doing something he doesn't like.. etc. And I told him I am not going to take it one more time hereafter. That this is the last..I really don't have the courage to leave him.. I really don't. Plus he behaves well for the most part, and I am actually more complicated than him emotionally - with all my csa and depression and feelings about ex t etc.. And I don't think I can leave him and find someone else to marry me etc.. It is too hard, and I don't have the courage or guts.. And most likely, good men won't like me anyway either.
I am going to just stick it out. Hopefully he will come around and realize what he is doing and will stop..
I don't feel like telling my parents.. it will become really a big issue. My father is emotionally un controllable, so he will get mad and say something to my husband, and it will end up in a big fight once again between them. As it is, the terms between them is not that great. I don't want it to get spoiled further.. And besides, my father will totally turn me against my husband, and even if I get divorced and go back to my paretns, it will be an issue to deal with my father again for me. It will lead to further emotional complications for me..
So at this point, I don't really have anyone to go to. And I really need some emotional strength from a man to go on.. I can't live alone. Not for sex, but I just need someone strong enough to give me some emotional strength.. And my husband gives me that.
I know it is not what you guys have adviced me, but I am not really that courageous to find someone else.. And I doubt I can remarry and live happily..I am somewhat old fashioned also, for all that I talk. I think sometimes, I am not capable of sleeping with any other person other than my husband. And I think I would feel guilty to remarry even if I divorce.. It is all so complicated for me.. I don't know if any of you can understand..
Posted by pinkeye on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to Thanks so much everyone.., posted by pinkeye on July 17, 2005, at 17:28:30
I think it is really my fate.. even if I behave very very well, somehow I always get to have the worst treatment..
with my husband, I have really been in my best behavior for the past several months.. I did everythign he wanted me to do, infact he himself told me several time he was extremely lucky to have me..But even then, he ends up treating me badly.. Same thing with my dad also - looking back, I could not have been a better child.. I really was quite very nice, studied well, never was into any mischief, listened to what my fahter told me etc, yet he treated me like his surrogate wife, and little bit abused me sexually etc..
Maybe it is just my fate or Karma - even if I behave extremely well, guys abuse me and treat me like dirt.. and I don't know what to do to make it different.. Even with my ex T - I was his best patient (his own words to my father).. but he ended up leaving me and hurting me so badly..
I must be doing something really wrong to get treated very badly all the time from everyone. I don't know what I am doing wrong.. And my fahter and my husband say they like me a lot, but I don't think so.. nobody really likes me.. They just use me and treat me like dirt in the end. And my ex T didn't treat me badly, but he also didn't like me..
I don't know what more I should do to be treated well and liked and respected.. I don't understnad what I am doing so wrong.
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to Re: Thanks so much everyone.. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 17, 2005, at 18:52:16
Sadly, it happens because you allow it. It is nothing that you "DO". It will keep happening pinkeye. Of course he feels bad the next day. He knows it's abusive. Calling a woman's shelter would give you tons of FREE support. Sometimes, they'll just listen. You do not have to do anything. Tell them your story. They will understand. It can be a simple phone call, when your husband isn't home. I hope you believe in yourself to tell someone your story. Your T would also be a great source of support.
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to Re: Thanks so much everyone.. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 17, 2005, at 18:52:16
The only way is to like and respect yourself enough to demand that others treat you the way you deserve. The only thing you're doing wrong is accepting less than that.
Annierose is right.
Posted by happyflower on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to Re: Thanks so much everyone.. » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 17, 2005, at 19:37:49
Posted by happyflower on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (nm), posted by happyflower on July 17, 2005, at 21:10:52
Sorry guys it is bad enough to suffer abuse from the past, but if anyone ever tried to hit me, someone who is suppose to love you, would be gone in an instant. ABUSE IS ABUSE< NO EXCUSE! If I was a neighbor to you pinkeye, I would be scared of your DH and I would be scared for my kids. If you live next to me, I would of called the cops 100%. This really upsets me that you would allow your husband to do this to you. Do you think it was okay for my parents to hit me? In a way you are saying it is okay for you husband to do this, so you think I deserved my child abuse? ABUSE IS ABUSE . You are lucky because you can escape it, I couldn't as a child. Tell you parents and get out, while you can, you have more safty in the States. I really don't want to hear anymore about this, if you choose to be abused. I am leaving this website, no need to ban me, because I am banning myself.
Posted by annierose on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:24
In reply to Re: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by happyflower on July 17, 2005, at 21:22:57
Pinkeye needs support. I think you were a little harsh on her, threatening to leave babble if she doesn't leave her husband. Relationships are complicated and our brains work in complicated ways. It will take a TON of courage and self respect AND SUPPORT and time for Pinkeye to leave her husband.
I hope she finds the support she needs, whether it's a shelter (a GREAT place to call and talk to the people who are trained to help woman like pinkeye) or her therapist or babble.
Annierose
Posted by pinkeye on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Re: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by happyflower on July 17, 2005, at 21:22:57
I am sorry HF - I didn't include trigger warnings..
Anyway folks, I know the answers now.. Thanks everyone for their support.
I don't have the courage to leave my husband, or to tell my parents and face the ensuing problems between them and my husband, and my family life has been little smooth only in the past 1 year and I don't want to jeopardize it.. and neither do I have the courage to go through a divorce or to find someone and rebuild a life after this.. I just don't have it in me..
And it would be good to end this thread now since it triggers people.
Posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to My husband keeps losing control :-(, posted by pinkeye on July 16, 2005, at 17:12:05
Oh PInkeye,
I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this - period. You don't. Even if you instigate an argument, he has NO RIGHT to hit you! Even if you insult him, call him names, or yell -- he NEVER has a right to hit you.I'm so sorry. I think that the support of family members would be the right thing to do, if you trust that they will help you. Some families might be of them "ignore it" or "you probably deserved it" variety. If you suspect your family might do that (and I hope they don't!) then you need to find someone else to trust. Can you tell your T?
Pinkeye, I'm worried for you! What do you see right now as your best option? Would you be open to divorce?
(((pinkeye)))
JenStar
Posted by Jen Star on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Re: Thanks so much everyone.. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 17, 2005, at 18:52:16
Pinkeye,
I think that it's a looooong road to emotional strength and independence for a woman who is used to being dominated and is afraid of being alone.But I think you're taking the first step by telling us here. I hope you're strong enough to keep taking steps, even if it's slow, until you get to a place where you are free and happy and confident.
I see from reading your notes that you've given up because it's hard. You say that it's "karma" that you're treated badly. It's not karma, it's YOUR CHOICE. It's as simple as that, and as hard as that.
If you want to keep getting hit, you'll stay. If you want to stop getting hit, you'll leave. I know you said that you rely on him for strength, that's he's good a lot of the time, etc. But that's all just rationalization. The unknown is scary, and it's hard to be alone. But you're making a choice. Life doesn't just happen, you choose it. And if you elect not to do anything, that's a choice too.
Pinkeye,
I like you and I worry about you. If you go back to India, I believe the domination and hitting will get worse, because (correct me if I'm wrong) I believe that the patriarchal society in India tacitly approves of men hitting their wives, or at least doesn't discourage it as actively as in the USA. I hope that I'm wrong, but from what I've read, domestic abuse can be a big issue in India.It sounds like you have a difficult choice. I hope you have the strength to do what's right for YOU.
Take care of yourself, Pinkeye!
(((pinkeye)))
JenStar
Posted by messadivoce on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Let us end this thread.. » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on July 17, 2005, at 21:58:17
Pinkeye, even though Happyflower was upset, I think she has a really good point. What makes her different from you? You are a good person! You don't deserve to be hit any more than Happyflower did, or anyone else on this board. You think that you deserve this kind of treatment, that you are making it happen. You are not that powerful!!! We cannot control the actions of others!!! All we can do is control what WE do. If YOU treat yourself crappy then you are giving everyone else an excuse to do the same!
I know you do not want to leave your husband, and I can understand that. I do think, however, that calling a hotline and just telling someone what is happening to you would be helpful. Your husband has a lot of power over you to keep you from telling people what is happening. I do fear for your safety, because right now your husband has no reason to stop. IMHO, you need to give him a clear reason to stop. People who are more trained and knowledgeable than I can tell you how to do this.
Pinkeye, you say you don't have the strength to do this, but you do!! You have gone through so much difficult stuff, and you have managed to come through it an intelligent, kind, insightful person. You have more strength in you than you know.
Hugs to you.
Voce
Posted by Jazzed on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Let us end this thread.. » happyflower, posted by pinkeye on July 17, 2005, at 21:58:17
Have you told your T about this pinkeye? I think you really need to share this information with her. It sounds to me like you're afraid to leave the current situation because you fear there will never be another husband for you, even though it's a potentially dangerous situation. You are young, and there is so much hope for the future.
I hope this never happens, but it's where my mind has taken me. It might not seem dangerous now, but I hope you will give some thought to when you're isolated in India away from your family, have children, and what IF the hitting doesn't stop and he no longer apologizes. What if he abuses the children? Please tell your family and your T.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but thinking about the future seems like a must.
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Re: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS ABOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, posted by happyflower on July 17, 2005, at 21:22:57
Posted by crazy teresa on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to My husband keeps losing control :-(, posted by pinkeye on July 16, 2005, at 17:12:05
Pinkeye,
Have you ever thought that you don't need a man to survive? It sounds as though you may need to be alone for a while to heal from bad realtionships with men. I don't mean that you deserve to be alone, because you don't. Just take some time for yourself, learn that you don't deserve this type of treatment and start over in a healthy way with men.
crazy t
Posted by crazy teresa on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Re: My husband keeps losing control :-( » pinkeye, posted by vwoolf on July 17, 2005, at 11:16:05
Everything that has been said to pinkeye applies to you as well! Tell someone and begin the ending of this cycle!
crazy t
Posted by pinkeye on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Re: My husband keeps losing control :-( » pinkeye, posted by crazy teresa on July 18, 2005, at 10:56:24
Thanks a lot everyone..
I am sorry to sound so stupid, but really, I don't have courage to do anything now about it.. I don't want to tell my parents, I don't want to call a hotline or report, and I don't want to even think of a divorce. I just can't stay alone.. and I will suffer more if I stay alone. I have been alone before and it was hell. I can't go back to that. And I can't go back to my parents, because what would happen is I would end up serving as a companion again for my dad, and it would end up to more complications and problems for me. And I just don't have the courage to even think of being able to live alone by myself or to find someone again. It just seems impossible to me.
My T knows about this. and she gives me the same feedbacks that you give. BUt I have only 2 more sessions with her and I don't know what good it will do to bring it up again. And I cannot stop going back to India - I have already commited, and it would end up in a big problem if I want to stay here.. And I might have more support in India because my family is there and I might end up feeling courageous.
My husband is a nice guy basically, and I think with time and effort he will realize it.. even today, he was crying in my lap, and I had to console him. I have been trying to put more sense into him for a few years now in different ways, and he is picking up. He is basically a smart and good guy, so there is plenty of hope for me to correct him in the future.. I just need patience.
You guys have been very supportive to me.. Thanks so much.
Posted by Shortelise on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to My husband keeps losing control :-(, posted by pinkeye on July 16, 2005, at 17:12:05
Pinkeye, it takes such a long time to help someone learn not to act out as their parents before them have done. It takes a long time to understand where it comes from.
There are ways that men learn not to abuse. One of the things they learn is that when they feel like abusing, they should go for a walk until it subsides.
Something you might try is when you see he is getting to the point of becoming violent, try to change how you are reacting. Try to think of how he is preceiving things, sort of like, don't wave the red flag in front of the bull. Please don't misunderstand me - it's not your responsibilty to keep him from abusing you, you are not responsible for him abusing you and the only person who can stop him is him.
I am telling you these things because I hear you, you are not going to leave your husband, or change your lives in any major way. That is your choice. So, given that, you could try to find out about abuse and abusers and see if you two together can find a way of helping him find a safe outlet for his anger. And you for yours. It sounds like you get physical too.
Hope I'm not being too frank. Or too politically incorrect. Feel free to ream me out.
ShortE
Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Thanks everyone.., posted by pinkeye on July 18, 2005, at 14:38:46
You do realize that his behavior is so typical of abusive men that it's almost a stereotype? Isn't it a bit hard to believe someone's sincerity when a hotline representative could probably predict his behavior before you even told him or her?
I think ShortElise had some good advice for you.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:25
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone.. » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:26:46
Its a hard one...
I can see why you are reluctant to leave. Or to make a big deal of it. Because it isn't like it is THAT bad and a lot of people get worse. And he is basically a nice guy. And can be sweet at other times...
But...
It sounds like what has been happening has been happening repeatedly for a while now. Why on earth should he stop? He gets to hit you and you don't tell anyone because you feel ashamed. Secrecy is part of it. Part of his control of you. Do you ever do things because you are afraid he will hit you if you don't do it? Do you ever refrain from doing things because you are afraid he will hit you if you do them? How is he with respect to you going out by yourself or with your friends? How much do you do that kind of stuff? How much control does he have over your life? Because I think it tends to be about control. And if he is acting out to the point of hitting you then there may well be a lot of other more covert ways in which he is controlling you as well.
IMO...
You need to tell somebody. Is there anyway you can go see a councellor or someone to deal with this issue? That way he has to face up to having to admit to somebody else that he hits his wife. Because at the moment he either doesn't have to do that, or he can do it in a jokey way with people who approve of it. It is unacceptable. If you can give him an ultimatum to work on this properly so it stops or thats it - then that is when you are likely to be able to change the situation.But... It sounds like you are really afraid of not being with him. My guess is that he sees that. And that he sees full well that so long as things remain that way he has no reason on earth to change.
He should feel ashamed.
Not you.
Posted by crazy teresa on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:26
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone.., posted by alexandra_k on July 19, 2005, at 3:58:14
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