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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 0:57:51
my hubby's been hounding me for sex that last few weeks. when he tries and i push him away then he withholds any affection. he'll turn if i go to kiss him and when i try to hold him he pushes me away. i couldn't take it anymore so i told him i would this last weekend. of course he was happy, but...i know spicing up your sex life is important when your married but he wanted me to strip for him (dollar bills and everything). if i would be in a normal state i probably would have thought it was fun. but the last time we had sex, all i could envision was my 'abuser' on top. i HATED IT!!!!!!!!!!
so i was scared and the stripping just made me feel so low and worthless. i feld like a whore.i don't think i could feel any more emotionally worthless. i hated the sex, i didn't picture anything but i didn't like it. i never had the 'O'. and about 1/2 hour after i got really sore on the inside. i'm sure it's psychosomatic but i just curled up and cried.
now, hopefully this is enought to hold him off for a while.
please know that i DO love my hubby and normally he's a sensitive man, but that last couple times he get's a little rough and yes i've even told him that.
any advice to hold him off till i get through this stuff in sessions?
b2c.
Posted by Jazzed on July 22, 2005, at 0:57:51
In reply to husbands and sex **possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:33
Wow, B2, I'm so so sorry! This does really sound awful. Does your hubby know that sometimes you envision your attacker, and that the stripping makes you feel really low? I don't have any advice for you, but I'm thinking about you, and hoping you can get these images out of your mind.
How long have you been married? I was also raped when I was in high school, and it took me a long time to not feel sex was dirty, a longer time to be okay with it, and even longer to get to where I am now with sex. I hope you get better with all of this too.
What about something like EMDR? Happy had a good experience with that.
(((hugs))))
Jazzy
Posted by Damos on July 22, 2005, at 0:57:51
In reply to husbands and sex **possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:33
I'm so sorry B2. No matter what primal drives and urges drive us, we men have no right to make a woman feel like this - ever.
I just wanted to be sick after reading your post it made me feel so bad. I'm so very sorry he hurt you and made you feel those things about yourself. Just so very sorry.
Not sure that I have any real advice but, sex can be very important to some mens identify and sense of self so maybe without really realising what he was doing he was punishing you for the prior denials, which might go some way to explaining the withholding of affection thing (if I can't have sex, you can't have kisses and cuddles). The woman who wrote "The Lovely Bones" wrote another brilliant book about her rape and it's aftermath - sorry I just can't remember her name. It's hard and uncomfortable but I was glad I read it. Maybe it'd help him understand.
Having just recently become 'rough' maybe there is something eating away at him that he is releasing this way - don't know but maybe. If he is as sensitive as you say then just being honest and telling him how you are feeling has to be a starting point. I can't believe he didn't feel you feeling badly, he must have surely.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2005, at 0:57:51
In reply to husbands and sex **possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:33
Cringe.
I used to chat with one of my friends about sex. She didn't like it because it hurt her. Her husband had quite a high drive. Because he was so keen (not having had any for a while) she would hurt more and then be more reluctant to do it again which would mean a long while before next time so he was very keen etc etc...It can become a bit of a circle.
Is there any way that you could do things more on your terms rather than his terms? I mean... By the sounds of it he is going to enjoy it any way, so it is more about making it more comfortable and pleasant for you. If you enjoy it more then you might be happy enough to do it more often and then he is happier and you are happier and then there could be a more positive circle.
cringe about the stripping. really. i've done the odd thing like that too. and always felt really horrible afterwards. :-(
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 22, 2005, at 0:57:51
In reply to husbands and sex **possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:33
Chica,
I have always read that men regard sex as intimate communication, whereas women view sex as something to do as a RESULT of meaningful communication (ie talking, cuddling, etc.). So really, it's a quandry. I think it's possible that the more you withhold sex, the less "loved" your husband feels, and the more he withholds the things you need (kisses, hugs etc,), the less loved you feel. So therefore, since you're not receiving the type of intimacy you need, sex will not be an option for you. And since he is not receiving the type of intimacy he needs, affection will not be an option for him. This is a hard cycle to break. Both of you are starved for what you need.
Wish I could give you a great solution to this problem. (((Chica))).
Posted by B2chica on July 22, 2005, at 0:57:51
In reply to Re: husbands and sex **possible trigger**, posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 19, 2005, at 7:23:52
jazzed, thank you for sharing. actually who i pictured was one of my brothers. later on in highschool (like you) i was raped but my hubby doesn't know about my attacker...well, once when we first met and both drunk i told him i thought i'd been raped. he's never talked about it since he's made really unsettling comments through the years that makes me think he didn't remember otherwise he never would say those things...you know like when we're watching tv and a character gets raped he'll sometimes 'jokingly'(???) say she asked for it.
to me that's SOOOO Wrong and SOOOO insensitive. so that's why i think he doesn't remember.
if he knew, all he'd care about was 'who was it'. i will NEVER TELL.
Not tried EMDR, maybe someday.Damos, thank you SO much for replying. it's nice to hear a man's perspective. i might take a look at that book.
again...thank you sweet Damos.hey ak. unfortunatelly i'm just not in any mood for sex what so ever. not yet. i know i will because before i started getting all these flashbacks we had a very healthy sex life. i know we'll get there again, i just dont' know when.
Ms Honey.
wow, that is very interesting. i never thought of it that way. and that sounds like exactly what's happening.
thanks for the insight.
and i don't necessesarily need a solution, understanding is great too.thanks.
b2c.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 22, 2005, at 0:57:51
In reply to Re: husbands and sex **possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 19, 2005, at 9:03:09
What about massage or something like that so that you guys can have some degree of intimacy without (necessarily) having sex?
Just a thought...
Posted by sunny10 on July 22, 2005, at 11:27:11
In reply to Re: husbands and sex **possible trigger** » B2chica, posted by alexandra_k on July 19, 2005, at 20:01:26
can you please him and have him please you in ways other than just intercourse to keep away the "person on top of you" feelings?
He needs the release (this is why he's not hugging or kissing you- he isn't trying to be cruel). To him, the hugging and kissing excites him a great deal and he knows that there is little to no chance for a release from his excitement, so he "doesn't want to start anyting".
Then you read his actions (or non-actions!) as he doesn't love you anymore which is not true unless he tells you that he doesn't love you (at a time he's not angry or frustrated with you).
It IS a vicious cycle. Perhaps you can try things that make YOU the initiator/agressor instead of him- to take back your power.
Also, if you are nervous/afraid/disgusted then you are not lubricating fully and sex will seem rough, when in fact it would seem normal if you were properly lubricated. Keep this in mind. It is easy to villify others, but sometimes the person you hurt most by doing so is yourself. Try lubricants.
Please do not let yourself think that all men are horrible "including my husband", or that he doesn't love you. I can't find proof in that from what you wrote.
If he didn't love you, he would look elsewhere for his physical satisfaction and wouldn't be "pestering" you at all.
Having said all this, however, I want you to remember that "no" means "no" always. Including when your husband asks you to role-play in a way that makes you feel cheap and dirty. Try to imagine a few scenarios of your own (where you are in charge) and suggest those instead of whatever he suggests that makes you cringe.
I do believe that sexual expression is just as important to humans as all other types of expression. You know that sex is not a horrible thing. I realize that you are still working through your emotions- but I can tell by the fact that you are in therapy to get through that painful time, you in fact believe that what happened to you was an aberration.
And you know that rape is about power, not about sex. You husband isn't trying to overpower you- he is trying to express his love in the only way that he knows how.
Perhaps he is less evolved than Damos, who obviously knows how to love without sex!! (and I love him, too) But please don't be scared of your hubby just 'cause he doesn't know other ways to show you he's in love with you.
Give him the benefit of the doubt while you work on your therapy. I think you will find that it becomes easier to let go of the hurt when you embrace the love of your husband.
Talk to him. I really don't think he remembers what you told him way back when he was drunk. If you truly want a loving relationship, you owe it to him to tell him what happened. And to let him help you in whatever ways he can think of. At the very least, he will understand why you are a reluctant lover. Tell him you are in therapy to get through the pain and be able to move past it.
Keeping this bottled up, unwilling to share it with your husband, makes it a heavier burden than it was to begin with. Try not to add to your own misery.Best of luck,
sunny10ps. try the Kama Sutra's Oil of Love. I don't know who all carries it, but I know "Lotions and Potions" sells it online.
Posted by octopusprime on July 25, 2005, at 21:08:38
In reply to husbands and sex **possible trigger**, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2005, at 9:25:33
b2c:
the only suggestion i have is to talk to your hubby.
remember, you are a team. if he helps to make you happy, it will make him happy. he knows that sex is 100x better with a willing and happy partner.
sex will make him happy, and meet his needs. so it would be nice if you could find a way to help him meet your needs without making yourself feel hurt, disgusted, or miserable. you feeling hurt, disgusted, or miserable is in *nobody's* best interest.
so when you enjoyed sex, what was it that helped?
i know i talked to my hubby about foreplay and oral sex: that it really helped to get me going. (sunny10 had excellent advice about lubricant! but it helps if your hubby helps to get nature's lubricant going)
and maybe if he's talking to you, before and during the act, about how beautiful and wonderful b2c is and how privileged he is to be sharing this moment in time with you, etc. making you feel valued and special in an "act of love", not just a piece of meat.
i think your hubby will understand: if he helps you get past this block then you will be more responsive and it will be better for him in the long run. good luck
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