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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 11:59:20
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
I know he probably just wanted to wake me up to a loving touch. And I know I have problems with needing a lot of control in sex, or I feel coerced. Knowing that, it's hard to say anything.
Plus, I'm so aware of my flaws in the sexual arena that I never feel I have the right to say anything about anything at all.
But I might make an exception for this.
Posted by CAROLINA on July 19, 2005, at 13:59:19
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 19, 2005, at 11:59:20
hey! dont be so hard on yourself...we all have flaws in every area. if not then we would be perfect and we're not. there is no way to know what ur husband was thinking unless u ask and if ur not comfortable,thats ok. just know that u shouldn't feel bad..u did nothing wrong-been there Carolina
Posted by Jazzed on July 20, 2005, at 15:43:09
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Damos on July 18, 2005, at 22:33:08
> If you were my partner, any time you didn't feel comfortable and okay would be the rule I'd want you to work by.
>Damos, you are such a gentleman. There should be more like you out there! ; )
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on July 20, 2005, at 15:44:39
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
> I came half awake to find that he was continuing the activities despite the fact that he clearly knew I had fallen asleep.
>
> I felt all dirty. But I'm not sure if my reaction was reasonable.Uh, no, not unreasonable at all. Participation is key when two people are engaged in potential intimate relations. You were perfectly justified in your reaction Dinah.
Jazzy
Posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:12:14
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Damos, posted by Jazzed on July 20, 2005, at 15:43:09
Thanks Jazzy, but trust me, one of me is way more than enough for the world to cope with. And honestly I wouldn't wish a me on anyone.
Posted by Jazzed on July 20, 2005, at 22:08:28
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Jazzed, posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:12:14
Posted by ed_uk on July 22, 2005, at 16:26:20
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Jazzed, posted by Damos on July 20, 2005, at 17:12:14
Hi!
I agree with Jazzy. You are always so kind and supportive :-)
~Ed
Posted by Damos on July 25, 2005, at 19:43:06
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Damos, posted by ed_uk on July 22, 2005, at 16:26:20
Hi Ed,
Thanks. You do an awful lot of good around the boards too you know, in your own uniquely humorous and 'slippy' way.
Damos
Posted by Medusa on July 27, 2005, at 5:57:23
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
Oh (((((((((((Dinah))))))))))))
This was so wrong of your H.
I once fell asleep =during= with my X. I think he was scared - he stopped immediately and woke me up to be sure everything was okay. Then I think he was a little insulted.
I hope you're able to talk to him about this.
Posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
> My husband and I were making out a bit while watching TV the other night, and stopped to watch what was going on on House. During this period, I fell asleep.
>
> I came half awake to find that he was continuing the activities despite the fact that he clearly knew I had fallen asleep.
>
> I felt all dirty. But I'm not sure if my reaction was reasonable.Don't feel dirty. It is almost impossible for guys to stop in mid stroke. I think it's cool that you felt so secure with him that you went to sleep. Let him ejaculate. A man shouldn't start something and not finish.
Posted by Carolina on July 31, 2005, at 2:22:19
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 16:45:38
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
>A man shouldn't start something and not finish.
Because you think they can't or because you think they shouldn't have to?
> Don't feel dirty.
I'm not sure that saying it over and over is going to help.
Don't you think... That the fact that she does feel that way should be respected?
I mean...
She has preferences of her own...
Posted by Damos on July 31, 2005, at 17:44:41
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
> It is almost impossible for guys to stop in mid stroke. Let him ejaculate. A man shouldn't start something and not finish.
>It can be physically unpleasant, no question, but that's no reason or excuse. I went out with a girl once whose previous boyfriend had convinced her that if he didn't 'get-off' everytime they started something, terrible things would happen to him physically, and it really messed her up because she believed SHE couldn't ever stop with anyone because bad things would happen to them. That's so wrong.
There's gotta be more to it than getting your rocks off.....there's just gotta be.
Posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 17:46:50
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
> My husband and I were making out a bit while watching TV the other night, and stopped to watch what was going on on House. During this period, I fell asleep.
>
> I came half awake to find that he was continuing the activities despite the fact that he clearly knew I had fallen asleep.
>
> I felt all dirty. But I'm not sure if my reaction was reasonable.Sorry, I’m coming late to this thread, but it’s a situation I’ve been in…
Once (after much alcohol) I woke up in my living room to find a friend was feeling me up. He hadn’t been touching me before I fell asleep, but seemed to think that my sleep presented him with some kind of opportunity. Of course, in my sleep my body had started responding automatically and when I woke up it was with that familiar sensation of ‘Argh! Disgust! Bleaurgh!’
I felt horribly dirty and I actually felt he was abusing me.
So when I read your post I was outraged.
BUT… then I thought about it again, and it occurred to me that my husband loves it if I wake him up by touching him sexually. And the same goes for other men I’ve been with.
So I think your reaction was reasonable for you. And you might want to tell your husband you don’t like to be fondled when you’re sleeping. However, he may have thought you would like it, possibly because he would like it if you did it to him. So perhaps he wasn’t intending to use you for his own ends; instead, perhaps he was intending to make you feel nice. It’s unfortunate that he failed to make you feel nice (quite the reverse, in fact), but I doubt he was actually trying to take advantage of you.
The thing I find hardest to remember is that most men actually want to give us sexual pleasure and enjoy opportunities to please us. It’s unfortunate that men are so often portrayed as being interested only in what sex can do for them. I honestly think that the vast majority of men very much enjoy giving us pleasure, and want to do it as often and as thoroughly as they can. And if your husband doesn’t know as much about your sexuality as some husbands might, perhaps he’s fumbling in the dark (so to speak) in his attempts to please you.
Tamar
Posted by kid47 on August 1, 2005, at 10:19:54
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 17:46:50
Posted by Declan on August 1, 2005, at 17:23:50
In reply to Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Dinah on July 18, 2005, at 20:34:49
My wife touched my heart when she said to me 'If you want to f*ck me in the night you don't have to wake me.' It's one of those things you remember. 30 years ago now.
Declan
Posted by Declan on August 1, 2005, at 22:50:01
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 17:46:50
Hey, you said it really well.
It's much more satisfying giving someone real pleasure than getting it yourself. Perhaps the picture of someone else's pleasure seems more solid than our own pleasure feels. There's a whole other dimension to knowing/feeling that you've done that. And no fun in getting it off with someone who's had enough. In fact it makes me feel sad or something for ages.
And as for the men in the morning thing, it's just a good time for us. A lot of men would like to be on the receiving end of attention at that time and extrapolate accordingly.
Declan
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 16:07:58
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Tamar on July 31, 2005, at 17:46:50
I know that he didn't mean any harm, and that he probably thought it would feel good to me.
I just wondered whether I had any right to say anything. Too many insecurities in the area, I suppose.
I still haven't said anything. :(
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 16:10:07
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Jimmy Go on July 30, 2005, at 18:03:01
It wasn't in midstroke. Intercourse wasn't even the planned end to the evening, if I remember correctly.
But...
Oh, never mind.
Posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 16:29:41
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Tamar, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 16:07:58
> I know that he didn't mean any harm, and that he probably thought it would feel good to me.
> I just wondered whether I had any right to say anything. Too many insecurities in the area, I suppose.
Don't you always have a right to say something if you're not comfortable? I would hope that your husband would understand that you want to engage in sexual activity in a way that's comfortable for you!
> I still haven't said anything. :(
I think most of the responses to your question indicate that many people would find that situation uncomfortable.
Can you remind him of the incident and ask him gently to wake you up for sexual activity? You could suggest that you like it better when you’re fully awake and can respond to his needs, or something like that…
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 17:54:21
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 16:29:41
You'd never know it from here, but I'm not so good at talking with my husband. Not about anything of substance. Certainly not about sex. It's kind of like with my mother. We talk about things or people but never ever about us. I guess it's not healthy for a relationship, but I've discovered it is much much healthier for *me*.
I do try to communicate through actions. Like I find sex much less scary when I'm either prepared mentally or I initiate it. Since my husband likes to have me initiate it I manage to do that most of the time. Or I really don't like kissing, so I make sure my mouth is always otherwise occupied. He likes that as well, so it's not a problem. And it's much easier than saying I don't like kissing. Which he actually knows but prefers to ignore.
I guess that's not the best way to go about it, but it's so hard to word those things in a way that sustains a good relationship.
Posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 18:30:23
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Tamar, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 17:54:21
> You'd never know it from here, but I'm not so good at talking with my husband. Not about anything of substance. Certainly not about sex. It's kind of like with my mother. We talk about things or people but never ever about us. I guess it's not healthy for a relationship, but I've discovered it is much much healthier for *me*.
Well, it's hard to do. There's so much potential for misunderstanding, aggravation, conflict and so on. Plus it inevitably engenders vulnerability. I used to find it nearly impossible to talk to my husband about our relationship. I’ve started doing it in the last few months, but change happens so slowly that sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it.
> I do try to communicate through actions. Like I find sex much less scary when I'm either prepared mentally or I initiate it. Since my husband likes to have me initiate it I manage to do that most of the time. Or I really don't like kissing, so I make sure my mouth is always otherwise occupied. He likes that as well, so it's not a problem. And it's much easier than saying I don't like kissing. Which he actually knows but prefers to ignore.
I don’t like kissing either :(
And I used to hate it when my husband initiated sex. I couldn’t do it unless it was my idea. Now that things are better, I wish he would initiate it but he’s out of the habit. So I feel unattractive because he doesn’t indicate that he wants me. The poor man can’t win.> I guess that's not the best way to go about it, but it's so hard to word those things in a way that sustains a good relationship.
I know.
And yet, if you don’t say anything he’ll continue under the misapprehension that you have no objection to being touched in your sleep. I guess if it doesn’t happen often it’s easier to say nothing.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 18:40:48
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Dinah, posted by Tamar on August 7, 2005, at 18:30:23
You're quite right. Sigh.
I'll make it a stretch goal.
Maybe start out with more innocuous interpersonal topics and try to work up to sex.
Posted by Jimmy Go on August 7, 2005, at 18:49:45
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette » Jimmy Go, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 16:10:07
Dinah, I was out of line. I've got to keep my foot out of my mouth.I've been so tired that I've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow especially while my wife was rubbing my neck and back. I should not have minimized a concern that is serious to you. Maybe I am as crazy as "they" say I am. I can't blame every impropriety on my "dry sense of humor". For the record, I would've stopped.
Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2005, at 18:51:13
In reply to Re: Question about sexual etiquette, posted by Jimmy Go on August 7, 2005, at 18:49:45
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