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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Damos on August 1, 2005, at 18:20:25
Alex said something in one her posts yesterday that has had me up a large part of the night; "She gives great hugs". Didn't think anything much about it at the time except that it was nice for Alex to have felt and to know this. What hit me like a lightening bolt later (2:23am to be precise) was the fact that I have absolutely no sense of what this feels like. I couldn't translate the words into a sensation of feeling (a body memory), a fond memory, nothing. Funny, I just remembered a girl once saying to me, "I cry when you hold me cause you make me feel like I truly matter", didn't understand what it was she was feeling then and still don't, damn it. What is wrong with me? I've never had that feeling, not ever.
Been churning a lot of stuff all night and not getting far. Can't get past the fact that it's me that's the problem. Either I'm just not worthy of it (love), or I'm incapable of experiencing the giving and receiving of it, or most likely both. Maybe I'm just plain afraid of it. Sh*t I don't know. Right now I'm just sitting here at my desk aching and longing to know that feeling. ~@#$#$$#$^$%^, another genie that's out of the bottle and won't go back.
Posted by Tamar on August 1, 2005, at 20:00:55
In reply to Hugs, hmmmmm, posted by Damos on August 1, 2005, at 18:20:25
> Alex said something in one her posts yesterday that has had me up a large part of the night; "She gives great hugs".
I noticed that too!
> Didn't think anything much about it at the time except that it was nice for Alex to have felt and to know this. What hit me like a lightening bolt later (2:23am to be precise) was the fact that I have absolutely no sense of what this feels like. I couldn't translate the words into a sensation of feeling (a body memory), a fond memory, nothing. Funny, I just remembered a girl once saying to me, "I cry when you hold me cause you make me feel like I truly matter", didn't understand what it was she was feeling then and still don't, damn it. What is wrong with me? I've never had that feeling, not ever.
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve never felt that, Damos.
> Been churning a lot of stuff all night and not getting far. Can't get past the fact that it's me that's the problem. Either I'm just not worthy of it (love), or I'm incapable of experiencing the giving and receiving of it, or most likely both. Maybe I'm just plain afraid of it. Sh*t I don't know. Right now I'm just sitting here at my desk aching and longing to know that feeling. ~@#$#$$#$^$%^, another genie that's out of the bottle and won't go back.
It seems so painful that you say, “it’s me that’s the problem,” as if you were a problem instead of a person.
I find it hard to imagine that you’re incapable of the experience of giving love, at least. You seem to give a great deal of love here.
Do you find touch in general a difficult thing? Do you like being touched by other people? Or does it make you anxious? If it makes you anxious I can understand that you can’t remember a time when you felt loved in an embrace.
You’re so supportive and loving towards other people; can you imagine that other people might want to return your love?
Tamar
Posted by Damos on August 1, 2005, at 23:20:59
In reply to Re: Hugs, hmmmmm » Damos, posted by Tamar on August 1, 2005, at 20:00:55
Hey Tamar,
Here's the thread where I first opened up about this stuff. It's the one I mentioned to fairywings on her thread above.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050408/msgs/483431.html
Don't know why this gets triggered off by such simple things or why I just seem to go round and round with this every so often without really seeming to get anywhere. But each time I do new fragments of stuff get drawn into the whirlpool, but more about that later.
In terms of me being a problem not a person, I guess in truth, when I get into this headspace this is how I see it. Then everntually I manage to trap the genie back in the bottle until next time.
Thanks for your kind words.
Posted by Mal on August 2, 2005, at 5:50:54
In reply to Hugs, hmmmmm, posted by Damos on August 1, 2005, at 18:20:25
Damos, I have read several of your posts- you are thoughtful and articulate. It makes me sad to think of you - with so much to give- being lonely. I am sending you lots of hugs, and hopefully they won't make you anxious or feel creepy.
(((((DAMOS)))))MAL
Posted by partlycloudy on August 2, 2005, at 6:01:30
In reply to Hugs, hmmmmm, posted by Damos on August 1, 2005, at 18:20:25
Damos, you give great cyber hugs! And I would bet that would carry over IRL. I'm sorry you're feeling badly about yourself - can you understand that we see a different Damos here? Understanding, suppportive, kind, nonjudgemental... you have a real gift.
(((Damos)))
pc
Posted by Damos on August 2, 2005, at 17:37:13
In reply to Re: Hugs, hmmmmm, posted by partlycloudy on August 2, 2005, at 6:01:30
Thank you all so much, I don't know what to say so 'thank you' will just have to do.
It's only in reading back over that other thread that I've realised that this one came from a different place. The old one was the grown up and relatively objective me speaking, but this one this came from somewhere else entirely. Somewhere small and uncertain, and kind of afraid. Dare I say it almost felt like the yearning of a small child. Hang on, maybe it wasn't just those words then, maybe it was the context. Maybe I'm looking at a difference face of the same cube. Maybe I'm inside the cube and just beginning to see all the faces and how all their edges are touching. Maybe I'm just growing and finally allowing myself to see and feel stuff that I've held down and denied for a very long time. I hope so. Feeling okay about it today.
Must have got all your hugs cause I'm feeling warm and rather nice right now. Thank you.
(((((everyone)))))
Posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2005, at 18:22:09
In reply to Gosh golly gee wizz guys, posted by Damos on August 2, 2005, at 17:37:13
(((Damos)))
Little kids can be hard
:-(You do deserve to find someone, you know.
I really hope that you feel loved someday
Posted by Damos on August 2, 2005, at 19:36:42
In reply to Re: Gosh golly gee wizz guys, posted by alexandra_k on August 2, 2005, at 18:22:09
> (((Damos)))
(((Alex)))
>
> Little kids can be hard
> :-(Yeah, so I've gathered.
>
> You do deserve to find someone, you know.
> I really hope that you feel loved somedayYou too Alex, you too.
Posted by Tamar on August 2, 2005, at 19:59:52
In reply to Gosh golly gee wizz guys, posted by Damos on August 2, 2005, at 17:37:13
Hi Damos,
> It's only in reading back over that other thread that I've realised that this one came from a different place. The old one was the grown up and relatively objective me speaking, but this one this came from somewhere else entirely.
Yeah, that makes sense. I read the thread from the link you put in your previous post, and the context was quite different – the other thread started out as a thread about sex. But your thread here seems to be more about physical contact in general, and being loved in a way that might not necessarily be sexual. So I can see how the other thread was about something more grown-up.
> Somewhere small and uncertain, and kind of afraid. Dare I say it almost felt like the yearning of a small child.
That makes sense. Physical comfort (or the desire for it) can often feel childlike.
> Hang on, maybe it wasn't just those words then, maybe it was the context. Maybe I'm looking at a difference face of the same cube. Maybe I'm inside the cube and just beginning to see all the faces and how all their edges are touching. Maybe I'm just growing and finally allowing myself to see and feel stuff that I've held down and denied for a very long time. I hope so. Feeling okay about it today.
Glad you’re feeling better today. Did you put the genie back in the bottle? Or is it still out and waiting to see what happens next? I got the impression from reading your posts in the other thread (the one you linked to) that the love other people feel for you seems not quite real to you. But maybe I’m off the mark.
> Must have got all your hugs cause I'm feeling warm and rather nice right now. Thank you.
> (((((everyone)))))
And hugs for you too (((((Damos)))))
Tamar
Posted by damos on August 2, 2005, at 22:08:15
In reply to Re: Gosh golly gee wizz guys » Damos, posted by Tamar on August 2, 2005, at 19:59:52
Hi Tamar,
I think the genie is still out and just waiting to see what's going to happen next. But oddly enough, today, it is as though the very act of accepting and acknowledging the existence of this part of myself has moved me to a new place where it's okay. Weird. The other thread had a similar effect. Another tiny piece of the jigsaw.
Don't know about the love of others' stuff, just don't know. But I'm sure that to will be revealed in the fullness of time.
Posted by Tamar on August 4, 2005, at 6:42:07
In reply to Re: Gosh golly gee wizz guys » Tamar, posted by damos on August 2, 2005, at 22:08:15
Hi Damos,
> I think the genie is still out and just waiting to see what's going to happen next. But oddly enough, today, it is as though the very act of accepting and acknowledging the existence of this part of myself has moved me to a new place where it's okay. Weird. The other thread had a similar effect. Another tiny piece of the jigsaw.
It's good to get that jigsaw together, isn't it?
> Don't know about the love of others' stuff, just don't know. But I'm sure that to will be revealed in the fullness of time.
Yeah. More pieces of the jigsaw.
Good luck with the genie.
Tamar
This is the end of the thread.
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