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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sonya on August 24, 2005, at 14:56:47
I made a friend in the hospital last year. Her friendship is important to me as we provide mutual support with our mental health and life issues. Since we've become friends, we get together on the average of once every couple of weeks, but if it were up to her it would be every week. How do I tactfully decline seeing her as often as she wants to see me? I want to be friends, but I often feel "crowded" by her. She's told me she doesn't have many other friends and is often lonely (she's single). I hate turning her down so frequently, but I have my husband, other family members and other friends whom I need to be with, too.
Any advice?
Posted by Tamar on August 25, 2005, at 19:36:09
In reply to Overly needy friend, posted by Sonya on August 24, 2005, at 14:56:47
> I made a friend in the hospital last year. Her friendship is important to me as we provide mutual support with our mental health and life issues. Since we've become friends, we get together on the average of once every couple of weeks, but if it were up to her it would be every week. How do I tactfully decline seeing her as often as she wants to see me? I want to be friends, but I often feel "crowded" by her. She's told me she doesn't have many other friends and is often lonely (she's single). I hate turning her down so frequently, but I have my husband, other family members and other friends whom I need to be with, too.
>
> Any advice?It’s hard. And it’s important not to hurt her. I’m so glad you’re concerned about her feelings (I’ve been the needy friend before). But of course you also need to be realistic about what you can give.
A couple of things occurred to me. One thing that might help her feelings is if you take the initiative in arranging to meet. Maybe you do that already. If you do that, I think she’ll probably feel wanted and liked, even if she can’t see you as often as she would like to.
Another thing is that perhaps you could join something together. Something that involves other people, so that she can make some new friends. It would mean some commitment from you, but if you choose something you actually like, you should find it enjoyable. I think taking up a team sport is a great way to meet new people, but I know not everyone likes running about! But there are other groups you could join. Anyway, something like that would ease the pressure on you and give her opportunities to find more friends so she’s less lonely.
And if you really don’t have time to join something yourself, I suppose you could encourage her to join something.
Just a couple of thoughts… I hope they’re slightly useful.
Tamar
Posted by Sonya on August 26, 2005, at 14:03:55
In reply to Re: Overly needy friend » Sonya, posted by Tamar on August 25, 2005, at 19:36:09
>One thing that might help her feelings is if you take the initiative in arranging to meet. Maybe you do that already. If you do that, I think she’ll probably feel wanted and liked, even if she can’t see you as often as she would like to.
Thanks for the suggestions, Tamar. I didn't realize until I read your reponse that I rarely take the initiative because she usually beats me to the punch. I'm going to call her now.
Peace....Sonya
Posted by 64bowtie on August 26, 2005, at 20:51:36
In reply to Overly needy friend, posted by Sonya on August 24, 2005, at 14:56:47
...and »Sonya» you can't expect to have your boundaries respected by someone who has either a lacking of self-respect or poor boundary management...
Give her an assignment (task), let's say, to introduce herself to 10 new people and give her 2 weeks to accomplishe it... Have her journal about each one... Let her know that you want her to 'symbolically' bring those 10 people to that next meeting 2 weeks hence; to learn enough about those people so its as if they are really here...
If she doesn't ask, don't volunteer to do the same... When the next time comes, ask her to tell you about her 3 favorites...
She needs to get out and over herself and there is no quicker way than to meet strangers... Mark my words, If she fails to meet 10, or even 5, she may put you off till later... And, please don't let her know you only are going to ask about her 3 favorites... Let her assume that when you say 10, you mean 10!!!
Rod
PS: This is only a suggestion (that works)... She is your acquaintance... You know her better than I...
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