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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lakesguy78 on October 10, 2005, at 14:57:57
Hi Everyone,
I was wondering if I could get some helpful feedback on how/what I should do to handle this.
I went out with my last girlfriend for 2 months. She broke up with me approximately 2 months ago. She is very independent and things moved pretty fast so she felt she had to end the relationship. She emailed me approximately 1 month ago to see how I was doing, etc. We have been talking on the phone and she says that she would not mind having casual sex / hookup with me, but that I need to know that she has sex with other people. She also calls me or I call her and she ends up wanting to have phone sex. I believe she may have a sexual addiction, but whatever. When we talk on the phone, it is very easy to talk to her, even better than the relationship, due to some slight problems, etc.
I really dont know how to handle this. It was aweful for me when she broke up, but it is easy to talk to her now, although what she is doing isnt really normal, IS IT? It took about the month for me to get over her and get healed so now that she is talking to me, I dont know what to do. She says she doesnt want a relationship, she actually is not even ready for one. The guy she has sex with is just a friend, they dont talk on the phone, they just happen to bump into each other when some of their friends meet and sex is somewhat thought of before it even happens.....
I tend to get in over my head sometimes with women, as with this one, so I dont want to get hurt again. I do like talking to her, but.....I am not sure if the casual thing is very healthy or normal...
I am so clueless,Thanks,
Posted by fairywings on October 10, 2005, at 22:26:12
In reply to My ex is doing what??????, posted by lakesguy78 on October 10, 2005, at 14:57:57
Hi Lakes,
How old is she? You said she was having sex with others, but is it just the one other guy, and just when they happen to see each other.
I don't know about "normal", I'd say anything can be normal, just like any other behavior. Some people are okay with casual sex and others aren't. Maybe younger, college age women are more likely to have casual sex? I don't know, I hate to generalize like that.
Anyway, I'd guess if you decide to have a casual relationship that will include sex, you have to take the risks, health wise and emotionally. If you're willing to do that, then go ahead if you're okay with it. If you don't want to get hurt, and/or you're not comfortable having sex with her, not knowing who she's been with the night before, then take the sexual component out. But, I'd guess then the phone sex would have to go too, or she might not understand.
I don't know, it's my best shot.
fairywings
Posted by AdaGrace on October 10, 2005, at 23:13:55
In reply to My ex is doing what??????, posted by lakesguy78 on October 10, 2005, at 14:57:57
I think you have already answered your own question.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 10, 2005, at 23:27:14
In reply to My ex is doing what??????, posted by lakesguy78 on October 10, 2005, at 14:57:57
Why would you want to allow her to use you like that? She's already hurt you once.
If nothing else, you could charge her $4.99 a minute for providing her with phone sex...
Posted by Tamar on October 11, 2005, at 9:23:49
In reply to My ex is doing what??????, posted by lakesguy78 on October 10, 2005, at 14:57:57
Hi Lakesguy
The difficult thing about sex with an ex is that you might find yourself wanting the relationship back. I know I did… when I was in my twenties I went through a painful break-up with my boyfriend, but we continued to have sex for a few months. And although I enjoyed the sex, I really wanted my boyfriend back. Eventually we stopped doing it and I missed it, but I think I wasn’t really able to get over the relationship while we were still being so intimate.
> I tend to get in over my head sometimes with women, as with this one, so I dont want to get hurt again. I do like talking to her, but.....I am not sure if the casual thing is very healthy or normal...
I think it can be healthy and normal. It depends on the circumstances. I don’t think it’s a sex addiction. Some people feel that love and sex don’t have to go together, and they can enjoy sex without a relationship. That seems to work fine as long as they have sex with other people who are also looking for sex without a relationship.
However, it might not be healthy or normal *for you*. If you feel that sex without love and commitment is empty and meaningless, then I suspect you might get hurt if you have casual sex with your ex-girlfriend. But I would also imagine that continuing to be friends with her and chatting on the phone might also be difficult for you.
I think different people deal with the break-up of a relationship in different ways. Some people like to remain friends (I’m like that; I have several close friends who were once partners, and perhaps your ex-girlfriend is like that too). But it’s very difficult to establish a friendship with a former partner and it doesn’t work for everyone.
What do you really want from her? Do you want her friendship? Or a casual sexual relationship? Do you feel that if you can’t get back together with her it’s best to just move on and not be friends with her? It’s hard to be honest with yourself about these kinds of questions, but you will probably find things easier in the long run if you can be as honest with yourself as possible.
I hope that’s of some help.
Tamar
Posted by rainbowbrite on October 11, 2005, at 15:23:41
In reply to My ex is doing what??????, posted by lakesguy78 on October 10, 2005, at 14:57:57
The casual thing could be totally normal BUT you have to make sure you are up to that. It sounds to me like you want to avoid getting hurt more than anything. IMO Id stay away, Unless you can keep an emotional distance. It sounds like she doesnt know what she wants and you might end up getting caught in her mess.
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