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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Mal on October 6, 2005, at 18:41:15
I have been feeling weird lately, almost depressed. I have a complicated situation that is by far mostly good but I get really discouraged.
DH and I have a beautiful 2 YO girl. I want another baby- NOW. DH is holding out on me, because he is hesitant to have another baby. When he holds out on me, I get to feeling dumpy ugly pitiful stupid, although he is still pretty affectionate with me. Just no sex. ANd I HATE being turned down for sex. After a week or so I get so frustrated and we wind up getting short with one another, and that isn't conducive to lovemaking, is it?
I am almost 35 and he just turned 41. I am really feeling the bio clock, and don't want to raise an only child. I think siblings help one another learn life's lessons and become well rounded citizens. But I am afraid DH and I are at an impasse.
SO anyhow, jsut blowing off some steam.
Have a great night.
MAL
Posted by Mal on October 7, 2005, at 7:15:49
In reply to Compicated/what women want, posted by Mal on October 6, 2005, at 18:41:15
Ok, the WHAT WOMEN WANT part of my rant...
DH and I have been married for 10 years in December. I have stayed home with our daughter since she was born.
When we first married, DH was 32 and he had a right healthy sex drive. I was 25 and once or twice a week was EEEEE-NOUGH. Then as I have gotten older my appetite has really picked up, and his attention and energies have been spent elsewhere...
Sometimes I feel like DH takes me for granted (not nearly as bad as a LOT of husbands, but bad enough to irritate me). I guess what I am driving at is that I'd still ike a little romance... For instance, sometimes he doesn't really look at me. I would LOVE for him to look at me like I was beautiful... Or act like he couldn't keep his hands off me, like I was irresistable. Or when he does look at me, and he notices I have make up on, instead of saying, "Gosh, you look so good," he said, "You are wearing make up."
Another example... He is looking at getting me a VERY nice watch for our upcoming anniversary. SOmething I NEVER would have asked for-pretty expensive!! He showed me one he had picked out, referred to it as a "10 year service award" and asked how I liked it, and I said somehting about I'd like him to have it engraved with something nice. He says, "Like what?" as though he didn't have a sentimental thought in his head about me. Just rubbed me the wrong way. I said something ugly like "Still givin bl*w jobs after all these years", and that rubbed HIM the wrong way!
THis is not to say that I am neglected or that DH is cheating. HE doesn't have time for that. I would just like him to be a little more passionate about ME. He is a TERRIFFIC dad, which makes me all the more passionate about him. But since we had our daughter, we have been out NO WHERE alone. No dates. We might luck up and have a nice evening in a restaurant while she sleeps on the bench seat beside us, but as far as leaving her home while we have dinner and a movie- ah, no.
ANd right after I started this thread last night, he did *ahem* pay me some really great attention. ;) Even with a little more passion than usual, so things are much better. But why don't men get it that women really want to feel beautiful, appreciated, and sexy?
Enough for now.
MAL
Posted by Tamar on October 7, 2005, at 8:20:22
In reply to what women want, posted by Mal on October 7, 2005, at 7:15:49
Yeah, I agree. More romance. And being looked at as a woman, not just a person.
Sometimes I really want to be sure my husband is still attracted to me so I make an effort with my appearance and he just doesn’t look at me. Or I say things about how much I like his body and he pretty much ignores me… Sometimes when we’re having sex he says nice things about my appearance, but for me it’s important to hear that stuff outside the bedroom… I have a very healthy sexual appetite but very little confidence in my appearance, so if he’s not forthcoming I end up quite frustrated. And I also HATE it when he turns me down.
Your story about the watch was interesting. I’ve had lots of conversations like that with my husband. If you asked him about the ‘like what’ remark he’d probably insist that it didn’t mean he doesn’t have sentimental thoughts about you, but that he wanted you to tell him which particular phrase would make you happiest. That’s the sort of thing my husband would claim, anyway. It’s funny how attempts to be romantic, like picking out an anniversary present, can lead to snippy remarks on both sides. No wonder it’s hard to get more romance.
I reckon the number one priority is to get some regular time alone with your husband. Find a babysitter and go out for dinner, or go for a walk, or go to a movie. Just the two of you. At LEAST one evening a month. Looking after kids is exhausting and even the sweetest people can become resentful. Is there someone you can trust to look after your child for a couple of hours…?
Tamar
Posted by Mal on October 8, 2005, at 6:51:13
In reply to Re: what women want » Mal, posted by Tamar on October 7, 2005, at 8:20:22
Thanks, Tamar- sounds like you really know where I am coming from. DH would also claim "just asking what you wanted" about the watch thing. I also think he is snippy with me sometimes because he is annoyed with work.
I am making more friends, and DD is getting to know people here so we COULD leave her for a while with friends, and I don't htink she would notice we were gone. But DH is the one who says he doesn't really WANT to leave her. Part of that, I am sure, is that he REALLY doesn't want to impose on people. Of course we could pay our friends, or offer to keep their kids in return, but he is just funny. Considering our anniversary coming up, though, maybe we'll get an evening alone. Another thing is that he works ~45 hrs./week, then runs or other exercises ~5 hrs./week, and he says he wants to be with her as much as he can. I am really thankful for that, because when I was pregnant I was worried he would never want to be home again!
And now that I have been home for 2 years, sometimes it seems like I don't have anythign to talk about except DD and her progress in potty training, or our friends, which is not exactly riveting conversation material. But I am glad DH is interested in DD's progress, and I try to listen to the same talk radio he does so we can discuss that. It is a little effort but I do try to keep the same interests as him.
Anyway, thanks again, Tamar. Have a great weekend!
MAL
Posted by Susan47 on October 8, 2005, at 15:58:44
In reply to Re: what women want » Tamar, posted by Mal on October 8, 2005, at 6:51:13
When you go out, do men look at you because you're clean, well-dressed, attractive? Because if so and your DH still isn't giving you the positive attention, maybe he's gay or not in love, because honestly, I don't think there's a man alive who doesn't respond when he knows his woman is desired by other men. Sometimes it sucks but sometimes it's true. I think sometimes to get what we want we have to work at it, you know? In everything, not just romance. It'' just like that. So if you're putting your best foot forward for a long time and he doesn't notice, that sounds like something else more serious might be going on. Maybe he's depressed?
Posted by Mal on October 8, 2005, at 16:09:44
In reply to Re: what women want » Mal, posted by Susan47 on October 8, 2005, at 15:58:44
> When you go out, do men look at you because you're clean, well-dressed, attractive? Because if so and your DH still isn't giving you the positive attention, maybe he's gay or not in love, because honestly, I don't think there's a man alive who doesn't respond when he knows his woman is desired by other men. Sometimes it sucks but sometimes it's true. I think sometimes to get what we want we have to work at it, you know? In everything, not just romance. It'' just like that. So if you're putting your best foot forward for a long time and he doesn't notice, that sounds like something else more serious might be going on. Maybe he's depressed?
Susan, no, I haven't noticed men looking at me when I (or we) am (are) out. Maybe I am just not that goodlooking. But I am SURE DH is not gay.
Posted by fairywings on October 10, 2005, at 22:52:06
In reply to Re: what women want » Susan47, posted by Mal on October 8, 2005, at 16:09:44
Hi Mal,
I agree with Tamar, having some time with your husband is a priority, and with 2 kids it'll be that much harder. My ex-t, who was CBT, said that just a 20 min. walk after dinner every night was a great thing to do (any chance you could run with him?), but he encouraged me to find time to go out with my dh. We have 4 kids, so I understand how hard it can be. We have, and it's made a big difference, but getting the attention you want and the kind of attention you want seems to be as big a problem.
I think men need to be told, to be educated, sometimes I think they just don't get it, and it's not because they don't want to, they just don't see things the same way. They're so set on the future, that they don't stop to see what they've got and appreciate it.
Is it possible that he sees another child as a threat if he's not happy in his job? Like, if you had another he'd HAVE to stay there?
Will he open up to you? Can you tell him how you feel, and see if he feels pressure at work? Can you see if there's some reason he's avoiding sex? Maybe ask him how he feels about another child and when. (but don't connect the sex questions with the more kids questions if there's any possibity he's avoiding it so you won't get pregnant.)
Good luck!
fw
Posted by Mal on October 11, 2005, at 16:08:50
In reply to Re: what women want » Mal, posted by fairywings on October 10, 2005, at 22:52:06
Hey, good to hear from you, FW...
>
> I agree with Tamar, having some time with your husband is a priority, and with 2 kids it'll be that much harder. My ex-t, who was CBT, said that just a 20 min. walk after dinner every night was a great thing to do (any chance you could run with him?), but he encouraged me to find time to go out with my dh. We have 4 kids, so I understand how hard it can be. We have, and it's made a big difference, but getting the attention you want and the kind of attention you want seems to be as big a problem.
>Thanks, FW, seems like you understand. DH isn't really avoiding sex, exactly. THings have gotten A LOT better since this thread started. :) hehe
Wow. 4 kids would take a LOT of energy! I know we need to get some US time... I am getting more ME time than before. I have made some friends here, and we do stuff once or twice a month without the kids, but that still isn't time with DH... I think part of it is that now that I am not working, I feel like my DD is my job, and that leaving her is shirking my responsibility. And I figure that is what he's thinking too. We do have a good relationship, but sometimes, just for a couple of days, we get snippy. And that usually coincides with when my sexual appetite is not quite getting satiated...
>
> Is it possible that he sees another child as a threat if he's not happy in his job? Like, if you had another he'd HAVE to stay there?Yes, this is very possible. He is very much into planning for the future, and I certainly don't want to make him feel resentful toward me.
>
> Will he open up to you? Can you tell him how you feel, and see if he feels pressure at work? Can you see if there's some reason he's avoiding sex? Maybe ask him how he feels about another child and when. (but don't connect the sex questions with the more kids questions if there's any possibity he's avoiding it so you won't get pregnant.)
>
He wasn't EXACTLY avoiding sex- just not as much as I'd like, and sometimes it's the kind you can't get pregnant from. I am sure he's trying to reduce the probability of getting pregnant.Hope you are having a great week...
MAL
PS- FW, what was your previous name? I think I was more familiar with your previous identity but can't remember it now...
Posted by fairywings on October 12, 2005, at 21:34:15
In reply to Re: what women want » fairywings, posted by Mal on October 11, 2005, at 16:08:50
> Hey, good to hear from you, FW...
Thanks Mal! ; )
> >
> Thanks, FW, seems like you understand. DH isn't really avoiding sex, exactly. THings have gotten A LOT better since this thread started. :) heheThat's good! ; )
>
> Wow. 4 kids would take a LOT of energy! I know we need to get some US time... I am getting more ME time than before.ME time is important! You have to take care of yourself to be a good mom and wife. Time away from both can be important, although that advice is easier to give than to take. When she's older you'll see that more than you see it now, and with each child I think it's even more important.
>>I think part of it is that now that I am not working, I feel like my DD is my job, and that leaving her is shirking my responsibility. And I figure that is what he's thinking too.
Oh no, no, no! Yes, she is your job, but does anyone work 24/7? NOT! And moms should be no exception. Just like he needs his run, you need your time to renew yourself. I think ANY T would tell you that! Both my current T and my ex T ask(ed) me repeatedly what I do for me, what I do to pamper me, what I do to blow off steam. It's expected and neccessary, please do it! And, what's left after the kids are grown? Your marriage, so you have to make time for that too, it has to be a priority.
>>We do have a good relationship, but sometimes, just for a couple of days, we get snippy. And that usually coincides with when my sexual appetite is not quite getting satiated...
Yep, got ya on that one! I have a very high sex drive, so I fully understand.
>> Yes, this is very possible. He is very much into planning for the future, and I certainly don't want to make him feel resentful toward me.I would hope he wouldn't be, since it's a partnership. It's not like you're making unilateral decisions. You're thinking of the future too, the future of your family and your daughter - who you don't want to be an only child. That's understandable.
>
> >
I am sure he's trying to reduce the probability of getting pregnant.Maybe you could ask him. It's good to know where each other stands on the important stuff.
Hope I don't sound too bossy, don't mean to be, just "been there, done all that". ; )fairywings/Jazzy
Posted by Mal on October 13, 2005, at 8:49:31
In reply to Re: what women want » Mal, posted by fairywings on October 12, 2005, at 21:34:15
FW- Thanks- you don't sound bossy at all. I've gotta get better about ME time, but fortunately DD is not too clingy, so I get some respite. For instance, some of my friends don't even get to POTTY in private, and I do, THANK GOD! Anyway, hopefully now that DD is older and talking (A LOT) it will be easier (and safer) to get some couple time with DH.
THanks!!
MAL
Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 10:03:45
In reply to Re: what women want » fairywings, posted by Mal on October 13, 2005, at 8:49:31
> FW- Thanks- you don't sound bossy at all. I've gotta get better about ME time, but fortunately DD is not too clingy, so I get some respite. For instance, some of my friends don't even get to POTTY in private, and I do, THANK GOD!
Good for you Mal! 4 kids later, I finally get to go to the potty alone.....most of the time! ; ) Kids often don't give a 2nd thought to barging in on mommy. It was years before I took any ME time, and b4 I had any private time at all. Now that 3 are older, I wish I'd done things differently, but I didn't know. I was really resentful and unhappy, now it's fine, and I take time for me w/o feeling TOO guilty! ; )
fw
Posted by Susan47 on October 16, 2005, at 12:00:47
In reply to Re: what women want » Mal, posted by fairywings on October 12, 2005, at 21:34:15
Jazzy, It's so great to hear you say that you have a very high sex drive. I just don't know very many women who have that, or maybe they don't talk about it? I sometimes feel like a pervert, lately, with all this stuff coming out and getting cleared from the past, and all this sexuality I have is finally being allowed some free rein. Were you always able to express your sex drive, fairywings/Jazzy?
Posted by fairywings on October 18, 2005, at 8:39:56
In reply to Re: what women want » fairywings, posted by Susan47 on October 16, 2005, at 12:00:47
> Jazzy, It's so great to hear you say that you have a very high sex drive. I just don't know very many women who have that, or maybe they don't talk about it? I sometimes feel like a pervert, lately, with all this stuff coming out and getting cleared from the past, and all this sexuality I have is finally being allowed some free rein. Were you always able to express your sex drive, fairywings/Jazzy?
Hi Susan,
No, I couldn't always express it. After I was raped, I went through a time when I didn't want to be looked at or touched, or think about sex. I didn't want to be a sexual being. Then I got to a time where I could be touched, but felt sex was dirty, and I was dirty, and the guy was dirty. Then, after I met my husband and we'd been together quite awhile, sex was just okay, but as our relationship developed over years, and he was always really patient with me, I got to the point where I liked sex. He never pushed me, and there were times he went w/o for weeks, never saying a word. Then I got to the point where I wanted it to be special for him, for both of us, and from there it just kind of evolved, and now my drive is higher than his, but he loves it. I always want him, not in a lustful way, but a passionate, loving way. We try to keep it fun too, and it is. Hard with 4 kids around, but we make it work.
fw
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