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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by lakesguy78 on November 9, 2005, at 8:42:42
Hello,
I wont make this too long, just need some information and input.
I have been (seeing, going out) with a great 27 year old woman for about a month. Our parents are good friends. She has told her mom that I am a really nice guy and that she enjoys going out with me. I have brought her turtle mochas twice now to her at work, taken her to movies, etc. We even had a sleepover but nothing happened, just felt really good snuggling and going to bed.
The thing is that she got out of a 6-year relationship about 2 months or so ago. She told me she likes me, but she wants to take things very slowly so she doesnt get hurt. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and it ended up a mess. They still kind of talk, but they will not be getting back together, which is a fact. I was wondering with the information presented, how slow and for how long should I expect this? I really like her and want to respect her decision. She said that if I need to move on, thats fine. I said no way, I want to go just as fast as you do.
One thing I should mention is that her last relationship was somewhat "so" bad that the following happened yesterday. Her computer is on the fritz and she asked me to check it out (we were texting each other yesterday). I said I can come over after my plans, which were last night or Saturday cause it might take some time. I also mentioned that maybe we could hang out Saturday and then have another sleepover. Now, at the time she saw this text, she had a "flashback" of her boyfriend because he had cheated on her and when they had evidently talked once, he said he had plans to have sex with the person he was seeing. Obviously this is very hard for her. So, I didnt get a response for about 7 hours. The first two hours, she didnt know how to respond because she thought that I was suggesting sex, WHICH I WAS NOT because I want to take this slow and have this last. Then she realized on her own, and after my follow up that "I hope you didnt take my email the wrong way, all I meant was that I enjoyed sleeping over and would like to do it again if you want to." So we talked last night and she said it took a while for her to realize that is what I meant, but then she went to a play, so i was bummed because i didnt get a response. So she explained that she wants to be the one to make that decision, which she did the first time and doesnt want to make plans, only be spontaneous.
Anyways, what type of time frame am I looking at? I really like her and want to be with her. Any advice would be very appreciated.
Thank you,
Posted by Tamar on November 9, 2005, at 19:03:22
In reply to Need some advice please, posted by lakesguy78 on November 9, 2005, at 8:42:42
Hi lakesguy,
I can imagine that if your girlfriend had the experience of her previous boyfriend cheating, she probably wants to feel she’s completely ready for stuff like sleepovers and sex. She might still be feeling rather emotionally confused, and the last thing your relationship needs is for her to agree in advance to a sleepover, only to find that when the time comes she’s not feeling like it. She’d feel under pressure; you could end up feeling hurt, and then your relationship would suffer.
If you really like her, give her plenty of time. I don’t know if anyone can say how long it will be. She probably doesn’t even know herself how long it will take.
I think she’s being quite sensible in wanting to take things carefully and slowly. If this is going to be a good relationship, she needs to feel secure.
I guess it depends on how patient you’re prepared to be. If you’re willing to wait, it could take a few months.
However… and I’m really hesitating to say this… I do think it would be a good thing to remain aware of the physical side of your relationship. What I mean is: if you spend the next few months kissing and touching and stuff and it seems to be building slowly towards more physical and emotional intimacy, that’s probably a good thing. But if it never seems to take off, she might be feeling that the timing of this relationship was wrong and she’s really looking for a friend at the moment. Obviously that isn’t what you’re hoping for.
I’m not suggesting you should keep a diary of the physical stuff you do with her or anything like that. And it’s also important to remember that people’s interest in touch can come and go a bit. But if you find in a couple of months that it seems to have decreased rather than increased you might want to try to talk to her about her feelings about the relationship.
I hope things work out for you.
Tamar
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