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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by allisonross on November 22, 2005, at 10:03:26
Divorced after 31 years of abuse. Let the ex live with me for 4 years afterwards (abandonment issues). It's a scary thing to know that one would rather live with an abuser, than be alone (that's how I grew up, it was what I knew). But that was the truth.
He left 5 months ago, and I have been doing (amazingly enough) quite well. My t said it "blew his mind how I overcame pain and what a happy person I am."
Now the thing that makes me nauseous. I found out Sunday that he has a girlfriend. I am trying NOT to think about it. It makes me feel so betrayed.
Why? Because first, he abuses me, then he leaves me, and behaves like I never existed (I e-mailed him a few times, and he wouldn't respond, because he said he had to "get on with his life." That made no sense to me; I was asking some technical questions, that only he could answer.
NOW, I understand what he meant by that comment. He has a girlfriend. She is 51 and never been married. All of my friends say what I was thinking: Wonder what is wrong with her...what is her story, because MOST people that age have been married.
arrrghhhh...it makes me physically ill. I know (or hope) that I will eventually get over obsessing about it I guess I'd like to find a way to torture/punish him for what he put me through, which is healthy--
As long as I (mwahhhhh, lol) don't act on it!!
Hold me back, LOL
Any comments/advice thougts will be cherished and much appreciated. Smiles, Ally (Now, where is that knife?)
Posted by caraher on November 22, 2005, at 15:00:33
In reply to It Makes Me Nauseous Even to Think or Say This But, posted by allisonross on November 22, 2005, at 10:03:26
(((allison)))
He didn't have this girlfriend before you split up, did he? (If he did he's a scumbag; if not I'm just sorry this is weighing on your mind so much...)
I'm not sure exactly what is triggering this reaction. Jealousy? Of whom and for what? This girlfriend is getting an abusive man. And of course, whether or not something "must be wrong with" a never-married 51-year-old he's obviously "trading down" if he had to lose you to get her. :)
Regardless, I hope you find peace soon. I don't think his relationship with a new woman merits even your contempt.
Posted by allisonross on November 22, 2005, at 18:20:26
In reply to Re: It Makes Me Nauseous Even to Think or Say This, posted by caraher on November 22, 2005, at 15:00:33
> (((allison)))
> (((Caraher))))Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!
> He didn't have this girlfriend before you split up, did he?
Not that I know of
(If he did he's a scumbag; if not I'm just sorry this is weighing on your mind so much...)
Thankyou. It shocked me, because I truly never thought he'd have a woman friend, and certainly NOT this fast. He fools everyone. Abusers are masters at deception, and he said:
No one can even believe I divorced him. Bizarre, just because someone jokes a lot does NOT mean they are safe or normal.
>
> I'm not sure exactly what is triggering this reaction. Jealousy? Of whom and for what?I think it is the abandoment thing. First he abuses me, then leaves (yes, I DID divorce him, but let him live with me for the past 4 years), and then he left.
Even tho I knew he wasn't good for me (understatement); it was that abandonment thing; my t said "every man in your life has failed and abandoned you.)
This girlfriend is getting an abusive man. And of course, whether or not something "must be wrong with" a never-married 51-year-old he's obviously "trading down" if he had to lose you to get her. :)
Thankyou, you are very kind and sweet. Look out, I am going to brag here; I have men AND women telling me how beautiful I am; and they guess my age at 17 years younger than I am; and even at age (gulp) 59, I have men chasing me. Okay, that's enough for the bragging segment!
>
> Regardless, I hope you find peace soon. I don't think his relationship with a new woman merits even your contempt.I just LOVE what you said about "contempt" It is perfect, and I LOVE you for being so kind.
Thank you for being a part of my healing.
Hugs ((Caraher))))))), Ally
If you wanna (no shame, here) see my picture, go into www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com, and click on "About Me" :)
Because you are a guy, I would like to know what you think; it is a little insecurity right now, and I ususally have tons of confidence.
Posted by caraher on November 23, 2005, at 8:22:11
In reply to Re: It Makes Me Nauseous Even to Think or Say This, posted by allisonross on November 22, 2005, at 18:20:26
> If you wanna (no shame, here) see my picture, go into www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com, and click on "About Me" :)
>
> Because you are a guy, I would like to know what you think; it is a little insecurity right now, and I ususally have tons of confidence.I've looked at your site before and seen your picture and you look like a real cutie to me! Plus I've read your posts about teasing your therapist, which prove that your most vital sex organ - the brain - is alive and well. So I think your usual confidence is well-justified!
Posted by TexasChic on November 23, 2005, at 18:51:31
In reply to It Makes Me Nauseous Even to Think or Say This But, posted by allisonross on November 22, 2005, at 10:03:26
These sound like pretty common feelings for your situation to me. You might want to consider what it is that you're really upset about deep down. Is it 'really' because you still want to be with him? Think about it really hard, imagine the scumbag in all his glory. Concentrate on the flaws. Maybe even make a list of them and put it on your bathroom mirror to remind you every day that you are SO better off without him.
So what if he got with someone first? Do you really think that's going to be a positive, meaningful type relationship? Please. It doesn't sound possible for him. Just think about the type of relationships you could develope that he never ever will. He's not capable of putting another person's feelings first, so he will never know the feeling of a deep, meaningful relationship (this goes for platonic relationships as well). This woman is there because he needs someone to bully and make him feel like a big man. She was probably the first gullible woman that came along. His twisted idea of a relationship is nothing for you to feel jealous about.
Try to get your mind off it by dating those guys you spoke of. Have fun and celebrate that you are no longer in that sitution. Go out and experience what it feels like to be treated with respect, by a REAL man.
You go girl!
-T
Posted by allisonross on November 24, 2005, at 3:18:25
In reply to Re: It Makes Me Nauseous Even to Think or Say This, posted by caraher on November 23, 2005, at 8:22:11
Posted by allisonross on November 24, 2005, at 3:28:28
In reply to Re: It Makes Me Nauseous Even to Think or Say This » allisonross, posted by TexasChic on November 23, 2005, at 18:51:31
> Hey, sweetie: You said all of the things I needed to hear, thankyou, thankyou.
These sound like pretty common feelings for your situation to me.
Yup, I know it. I wish I could hit the delete button and forget he ever existed. When I think of how many years I wasted trying to get him......to "get it." Geeeez!
eYou might want to consider what it is that you're really upset about deep down. Is it 'really' because you still want to be with him?
Because of the way I was raised (abused as a child), I would have rather have been with him even tho he abused me, than be alone)....scary, but true. My intellect fights my feelings; WHAT a battle!
ofThink about it really hard, imagine the scumbag in all his glory. Concentrate on the flaws. Maybe even make a list of them and put it on your bathroom mirror to remind you every day that you are SO better off without him.
I am going to do this; excellent suggestion.
>
> So what if he got with someone first? Do you really think that's going to be a positive, meaningful type relationship? Please. It doesn't sound possible for him.It isn't. He is a narcissist, and only knows how to communicate with playing with your mind. He also has something called a "disordered personality"...theapists hold out little if ANY hope they an change.
Just think about the type of relationships you could develope that he never ever will. He's not capable of putting another person's feelings first, so he will never know the feeling of a deep, meaningful relationship (this goes for platonic relationships as well). This woman is there because he needs someone to bully and make him feel like a big man.
I am sure right now, at least he is "snowing" her, because everybody thinks he is a GREAT guy. Abusers are masters at deception, and he has (almost) everybody fooled. My t says "unmarried 51 year olds are scary." He didn't explain, but I have a feeling I know what he means.
She was probably the first gullible woman that came along. His twisted idea of a relationship is nothing for you to feel jealous about.
>
> Try to get your mind off it by dating those guys you spoke of. Have fun and celebrate that you are no longer in that sitution. Go out and experience what it feels like to be treated with respect, by a REAL man.I LOVE to dance, so am going to start going to a dance for singles they have every Thursday. Even tho I may not meet anyone special, at least I will be doing....something!
Thankyo for all of your help, I do so appreciate it so much; things feel kind of bleak right now (I am not used to this, cause I have always been so positive, but I know I am in a grieving stage, and have to go thru this)......Geeez, when do I get a break?! LOL, LOL
>
> You go girl!So do YOU, gurl! Hugs and Love, Ally
> -T
Posted by caraher on November 24, 2005, at 4:22:57
In reply to Re: It Makes Me Nauseous Even to Think or Say This » TexasChic, posted by allisonross on November 24, 2005, at 3:28:28
> I LOVE to dance, so am going to start going to a dance for singles they have every Thursday. Even tho I may not meet anyone special, at least I will be doing....something!
Good! Some time after her divorce my mother took up square dancing, where she met her current husband. So it's good not to expect too much, but you never know what might come of it!
This is the end of the thread.
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