Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 581401

Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?

Posted by sleepygirl on November 22, 2005, at 21:30:01

OK here I go again, all this sex talk has got me going again.

I haven't had sex with my fiance now in a very, very long time - What is the deal?!! I keep pursuing and he keeps retreating. I get the sincere impression that men are quite happy to have sex, perhaps more than women. Why do I have to keep pursuing this man. Ok, so I'm not the hottest thing on earth, but I sleep next to this guy almost every night. I don't get it. I just don't.

I have friends who have to tell their partners to take it easy on the frequency. I don't know if that's unusual.
I've had to avoid men during this relationship because of interest in me that has not been appropriate considering I'm attached, but when you are as hard up as I am it gets harder and harder to do....

 

Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?

Posted by happyflower on November 22, 2005, at 21:43:58

In reply to ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?, posted by sleepygirl on November 22, 2005, at 21:30:01

yup, I feel the same way and I am married. Cand I join the club? I am trying to be a good wife, but after several months of NO sex, and considering I am going through my sexual peak,(late 30's) it is pure torture.

 

Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide? » happyflower

Posted by sleepygirl on November 22, 2005, at 21:48:03

In reply to Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?, posted by happyflower on November 22, 2005, at 21:43:58

I never got the impression when I was younger that it would EVER be this hard to have sex. I wouldn't have spent all that time avoiding it if I had known.

 

Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?

Posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2005, at 0:43:20

In reply to Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide? » happyflower, posted by sleepygirl on November 22, 2005, at 21:48:03

uh, have you tried having a frank discussion about it?

it can be hard...

but just tell him that you don't feel like he is really interested and what is up with that???

you could suggest things 'cause it might make it easier for him to agree...
or if he sees you 'thinking the worst' it might be easier for him to tell you the truth.

maybe he is on some medication and its not working properly?
maybe... he has contracted an std at some point in the past and is worried about telling you about that?
maybe... he is gay?
maybe... he just has a low drive.

i dunno
but i don't think you will find out unless you ask...

and i think...
i really do think...
that it would be good to know BEFORE you decide whether or not to marry him...

 

Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?

Posted by sunny10 on November 23, 2005, at 7:42:53

In reply to Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?, posted by alexandra_k on November 23, 2005, at 0:43:20

I don't think that it's any one thing. There are so many variables in our lives.

A tough spell at work, slight apprehension about being married (or engaged), misunderstanding about "how much sex women want", gee, the list is endless.

Most importantly, I don't think that your men could put a "reason" onto it. So do a strip tease, or invite him into the bathroom while you're in a bubble bath, or buy something sexy to wear for him- stretch your mind; men are visual creatures... look different. Ask him to lend a hand while you're masturbating...

I don't know, try offering him a sexual act you know he enjoys, et cetera...

Sometimes a slump is just a slump and there is no reason for us to despair- just a reason for us to act.

 

Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide

Posted by caraher on November 23, 2005, at 8:34:50

In reply to Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?, posted by sunny10 on November 23, 2005, at 7:42:53

It could be any of a number of things, many of which have already been suggested. One thing I'd toss in is timing. We usually have time alone at the end of the day, and so often by then either or both of us are simply too tired to care.

I think Alexandra's suggestion to discuss it is a good one. If you're engaged you can certainly presume mutual sexual interest. Just be sure to ask questions in a compassionate, rather than accusatory, spirit. Is it something you should do differently, or is he having some problems? Can you help him with any of them? If not, you can at least express sympathy and remind him that you hope for him to overcome them. Just don't frame it in terms of his somehow failing in an obligation toward you... nothing is less sexy than sex as a "duty," for men or women!

 

Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?

Posted by Declan on November 23, 2005, at 14:45:29

In reply to Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide? » happyflower, posted by sleepygirl on November 22, 2005, at 21:48:03

When I was much younger I didn't like people touching me, I felt too open, too unclosed, every touch felt like an effort to control, my freedom of movement vanished. You can imagine sex under these circumstances. The best thing might have been some psychologically aware older lover. The pity is that this is the time of your life that you actually have a sex drive. It would be nice to have made more use of it.
Declan

 

Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide? » sleepygirl

Posted by Declan on November 23, 2005, at 14:50:59

In reply to ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?, posted by sleepygirl on November 22, 2005, at 21:30:01

What if you say 'you're absolutely cool as you are. I need it and therefore I'm going to..... (put in here whatever you can think up)' Don't ask him for it. The single best way to stimulate his libido is to make him jealous. I'm sounding very 50's here. How do you make him a bit jealous without having to have an affair?
Declan

 

thanks guys....

Posted by sleepygirl on November 23, 2005, at 21:30:32

In reply to ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?, posted by sleepygirl on November 22, 2005, at 21:30:01

I really appreciate your responses and ideas about how to approach him about this. I guess this is a pretty darn big issue that won't keep for too long.
-thanks,
sleepygirl

 

Re: thanks guys....

Posted by jonquiljo on December 5, 2005, at 22:32:25

In reply to thanks guys...., posted by sleepygirl on November 23, 2005, at 21:30:32

Men need to feel needed -- sexually. I know this, because I am not ... needed.

 

You still there? » Declan

Posted by Susan47 on January 18, 2006, at 0:27:27

In reply to Re: ..the male libido- where oh where does it hide?, posted by Declan on November 23, 2005, at 14:45:29

> When I was much younger I didn't like people touching me, I felt too open, too unclosed, every touch felt like an effort to control, my freedom of movement vanished. You can imagine sex under these circumstances. The best thing might have been some psychologically aware older lover. The pity is that this is the time of your life that you actually have a sex drive. It would be nice to have made more use of it.
> Declan
I didn't know I didn't like being touched, but let it happen anyways, unable to give back very much. Motions only. Now it's totally opposite again, I'm sometimes back almost to where I was before, a lot of years ago and I know it's just a matter of trust. It's hard to find anyone to trust, though. And there aren't any men I know of, yet, who're interested in me anyway. So it's a bit dry.. well, the one(s) who ARE interested, just really mainly don't interest me. Or I don't feel they can be trusted to love enough. I don't think most people really can do that anyway, I guess 'cause I used to feel that way about me. ANYWAY long story shorter, Declan, you can be like me and satisfy yourself, you know, and still love who you are, and be making good use of your sex drive. Because even if you're getting yourself off, you have several advantages: (a) you have that slight flush that says, I'm sexually satisfied ... (b) which automatically makes you more compelling... (c) which opens the field a heck of a lot more, even if it's all to your imagination it's okay ... (d) and you start feeling sexually attractive to your own biggest asset, which is your mind, and from there it's all up. Think of yourself as.. a moveable feast. Just because there's no other person (OKAY I'm really NOT trying to minimize the importance of that, I miss it like anybody else, especially since now I KNOW what I'm missing, again) doesn't mean you can't be as sexual and juicy as you like.

 

Re: You still there? » Susan47

Posted by Declan on January 19, 2006, at 19:44:24

In reply to You still there? » Declan, posted by Susan47 on January 18, 2006, at 0:27:27

Yeah Hi, I'm still here. I don't know why it changed. Perhaps it was being able to forget my childhood which decades of time and thousands of hours of psychotherapy seemed to accopmplish. And having for my wife a wonderful friend. I'm still physically shy, but I no longer feel that every touch is an effort to control. Now I understand surrender better, find control boring, and all that seems so long ago, which it is, 35 years ago now. I've kinda learned to do what I like.
Declan


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