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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Judith22 on January 27, 2006, at 20:01:23
I met someone who seems to be a really nice guy on a personals site. He seems to be into me, and he doesn't talk about sex all the time and his intention isn't to get me into bed (at least I don't think). He's not into games or drama. You'd think I'd be happy. But I'm not. I'm scared. I've noticed a pattern with boyfriends I have. My social anxiety gets 10 times worse when I have a boyfriend. Meeting and going to family / friend gatherings is torturous. I don't want to put myself through that again. I want to do things for me. and I want to have friends. I want intimacy and I want sex. But I'm scared of being in a relationship because of how I've felt in them in the past.
Posted by Daisym on January 28, 2006, at 18:59:13
In reply to I realized something today..., posted by Judith22 on January 27, 2006, at 20:01:23
It sounds like you've been really hurt in the past, no wonder you are anxious. I think we all think that our choice in boyfriends or a spouse reflect on us. Or our boyfriends will judge us by our family and friends. It gets all tangled up.
But being alone has its own set of anxieties, doesn't it?
Perhaps for the next little while you can keep the boyfriend separate from the other parts of your life. You can do things with him but attend family functions alone. Just because you are going out with someone doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip!
I'm sad that there is so much anxiety over something that is suppose to be a good thing.
Posted by Judith22 on January 28, 2006, at 22:20:02
In reply to I realized something today..., posted by Judith22 on January 27, 2006, at 20:01:23
Thanks daisy. To clear up one thing...going to HIS family and friend gatherings is horrible. Not my own. Do you guys think it's OK to tell a guy your with, you don't want to be around his friends? but that he can bea round them?
Posted by alexandra_k on January 28, 2006, at 23:00:26
In reply to Re: I realized something today..., posted by Judith22 on January 28, 2006, at 22:20:02
> Do you guys think it's OK to tell a guy your with, you don't want to be around his friends? but that he can bea round them?
well... that might sound a little odd and he might want to know why.
have you met them before?
Posted by Judith22 on January 29, 2006, at 8:33:00
In reply to Re: I realized something today..., posted by alexandra_k on January 28, 2006, at 23:00:26
you're right. It probably would sound odd. I should probably meet them first.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 29, 2006, at 18:19:42
In reply to Re: I realized something today... » alexandra_k, posted by Judith22 on January 29, 2006, at 8:33:00
you might even like them :-)
Posted by Kath on February 12, 2006, at 17:59:20
In reply to Re: I realized something today... » alexandra_k, posted by Judith22 on January 29, 2006, at 8:33:00
Hi Judith - of course you're going to be anxious or nervous of situations that have been stressful for you previously. That's a part of you protecting yourself.
I'm 58 years old & if I had ONE thing that I could say as advice, it would be this:
Be honest. In this case, tell the guy how you feel; tell him you're really nervous to meet his friends 'cuz in the past that's been a bad experience for you. THEN after you've told him, OBSERVE how he reacts. You seem like a pretty thoughtful person, in that you think about things, like to figure things out. If you tell someone how you feel, you take a chance of being hurt. BUT, you also get the chance to see how they behave....do they listen to you? do they really hear what you've said? do they ask you more about how you feel? do they disregard you? do they make fun of you? do they put you down? The way people react can give us an amazing amount of information about what type of person this is! IS this the type of person who respects & cares about me?
It's only been in the past year, really, that I've actually learned this business about being honest & open. It's pretty darned scarey stuff. BUT, it's worth it. It saves so much time & energy & guesswork about what people are really like.Best of luck to you.
PS, my daughter met a wonderful guy on the internet. It can happen. Just be careful, & take good care of yourself.
hugs to you, Kath
This is the end of the thread.
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