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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jazzmine on March 3, 2006, at 17:24:55
I am new to all this,but in some real need of ans.I have been involved with a man and living together for 3 years now. We are in our early 50's.I do love him but I have to say at times more than not I don't like him.He is a decent man,not in good health. He has rheumatoid arthritis. In march of 2005 he had a heart attack and a stint put in. in December of 2005 we found out he has prostate cancer and is now in his 5th week of radiation treatment.What my problem is he is on disability and has been for about 15 years now.All he does is sit in front of the T.V. I work full time,which does not bother me.What bothers me is everything is left up to me to do, housework,yard work,everything. He had a boat when we got together and alwasy says he loves fishing so do I, But we never go there is always an excuse.I have gotten so I resent him sitting day after day when I know he can do more. I'm not talking about getting a job. I'm talking about doing around the house to help out so it isn't all left up to me.I don't say anything because when I get ready to I start feeling guilty about feeling this way.Am I expecting to much? I have started getting depressed about life. It seems all there is is work, and feeling guilty about wanting more.Wanting to live life a little.Wanting someoone that is willing to get out annd do a few things besides the T.V. Good thing part of the name of this group is babble because I think thats what I have just done alot of. But it felt good just getting it out so thank you to anyone who took the time to read this
Jazzmine
Posted by Tanzanite on March 3, 2006, at 18:39:11
In reply to is it being selfish or just feeling guilty (long), posted by jazzmine on March 3, 2006, at 17:24:55
Hi Jazzmine, this is coming from someone who is on disability for both physical and mental health problems. First, I want to say I am so sorry this has been hard on you. Secondly, I will be the first to admit that I don't feel well to do much around the house because of more than one reason. Physical pain, exhaustion, weakness, and then the depression comes in. However, my husband who is healthy and works isn't doing much around here either and we have communication issues and when my stepdaughter comes and makes a mess of the rooms I did have clean he usually leaves them that way. I don't know how this is going to help, but let me try this from a different angle. Illness of any sort can usually weigh heavily on family members and yes contribute to other's depression. The family member who has the physical health problems may also be suffering from depression and that may be the reason why your husband doesn't feel like doing anything, not including pain and fatigue. I do not think you area being selfish. Is he depressed? Has he sought out care in that area? What about you getting emotional support for yourself? It would be a start. Is communication difficult? Would marital counseling be a consideration? In order for things to get better in any situation, first the source of the problem needs to be addressed. Me, I am having a lot of difficulties getting through to my husband. But, I am figuring you are a much more kind, understanding, and non-selfish spouse than my own. Peace and blessings.
Tanzanite
Posted by Tanzanite on March 3, 2006, at 19:08:37
In reply to Re: is it being selfish or just feeling guilty (long), posted by Tanzanite on March 3, 2006, at 18:39:11
I don't know if I need to reword that last part.
I think you are a good, caring, and loving spouse and that this is weighing heavily on you. I believe my illness weighs heavily on my husband but he doesn't always seem willing to meet me even less than halfway. I pray that things go better for you. Your post particular touched me. Eventually I will open up on the board more, but not too many people know me here and I am not sure what and if I will get a response so. Peace and Blessings,
Tanzanite
Posted by jazzmine on March 4, 2006, at 6:44:04
In reply to Re: is it being selfish or just feeling guilty (long), posted by Tanzanite on March 3, 2006, at 19:08:37
First thank you so much for responding to my post.I hope you know how much it ment to check in here and find someone really read it and responded. To start we are not married,which makes no difference as far as I'm concerned but to other people it seems too.We don't communicate well.It is my understanding that he has always been this way from talking to members of his family I have just got to know.The thing that bothers me the most is he doesn't try at all,I don't expect him to do everything,but I also know the moree you sit the more your going to want to sit and you loose muscel so it does become more and more of an effort to do things.
I guess what i'm really trying to say is if you truley love someone don't you try to do what ever you can to help them? If feel so guilty at times resenting him for not helping.I work a job where I am on my feet 10 hours a day and on my days off I have everything at home to do,(which I tell myself I would be doing if I lived alone ,so whats the big deal with it).How do you tell someone that is sick you think they are lazy?
I was down a couple weeks ago with I think a touch of the flu. He never so much as once even asked If i needed so much as a drink.
It would help if once in awhile we could do something together,(fishing,garage sales,flee market,or the beach which is about 2 hours away)I don't mean spending alot of money just getting out and doing something fun together maybe once a month. He knows how I feel about that and there is always some excuse why we can't.
I'm sorry this sounds so bitchy and maybe I shouldn't be putting on here,but it does help to be able to just sit and babble on like someone is listening and maybe does care.
Again thankYou so much for reading and responding Tanzanite it helped to know someone knows a little of the way I am feeling. I would love to hear more from you and maybe get to know you more and more about you who knows we may become good friends which would be nice.Again thank you and if I am makeing these post to long someone please let me know.
Jazzmine
Posted by Tanzanite on March 5, 2006, at 2:41:29
In reply to is it being selfish or just feeling guilty (long), posted by jazzmine on March 3, 2006, at 17:24:55
First of all, that is what we are here for. And sometimes you will find someone that does understand. I am not sure how you would go about approaching your hubby, but perhaps talking to him and see if he is willing to get some help. My own life has been hell and I have not been doing much, and I want to find a way to get out of this funk I am in. Your husband should try to get out and do something, or he will continue becoming more isolated, more stuck in the situation which is not all his fault but the choices we make can make our problems worse. I will be the one to admit that to you. My hubby and I don't communicate well at all. Actually, it is the same it sounds like as for you. He has never been communicative, and when I try to approach him with things he resorts in defensiveness and anger no matter how calm I am. I have begged, pleaded, talked, cried, and worse being emotionally self destructive because I feel so all alone in this. So, do not feel ashamed or guilty for expressing yourself and feel free to post back to me on here. If you activate babblemail then you can email me. I maybe will set up an email or something elsewhere that I can give to you if you want to keep in contact that way. I just don't want to post my emails here. Peace and Hope you come back.
Tanzanite
Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 9, 2006, at 21:58:32
In reply to is it being selfish or just feeling guilty (long), posted by jazzmine on March 3, 2006, at 17:24:55
Jazzmine,
I'm sorry you're going through all of that. It must be awfull. It almost sounds like he's giving up on life. I wonder if there's a way of reminding him that it's perhaps too soon to do that.You aren't being selfish. Relationships are meant to be partnerships, and when one has the capacity to offer something, they ought to.
In general, men aren't as good at caregiving as women; women tend to be taught these things more than men, but it would have been nice to have been offered some help while you were sick.
When you do housework, do you ask for help? Does he flatly refuse, or are you expecting him to offer? Is there a chance that he thinks you prefer to do it alone?
Another thing that's kind of sad to remember is that he did, as well as you, grow up near the end of the era where house-work was women's work. That might still be part of his way of thinking. Reminding him of just how much you are doing, and that you could use some help around the house would be a welcome contribution might help. Actually getting in motion can help a bit with depression.
I don't know if I can really offer anything of help, but I do care, and I do hope that things start getting better.
One more thing to offer though. With the cancer, there is an herbal aid that can help. It's called Essiac, or Essiak tea. (Essiak is a spelling that keeps a company out of legal troubles with the original) Traditionally, it's four herbs made into a tea. There is good anecdotal evidence that it does help. It can't hurt. I gave it to my daughter when she was diagnosed with CTCL. Along with topical treatments from her dermitologist, she's doing fine. You should be able to find it as either the bottled tea, or as herbs to brew your own in any good natural food store or herbal pharmacy.
Anyway, I wish you well.
Blessings to both of you,
--Dee
Anyway,
This is the end of the thread.
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