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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 10:41:42
I already feel sad. He's going to leave in less than an hour. Gone for 25 days. This is going to be really tough. In the past, I was able to turn off my feelings when we parted. Now, I'm not turning off my feelings. T has helped me figure out that the feelings are there for a reason. To bottle them up is toxic. They ferment and become a poisonous sludge. Now. The feelings are there. My heart aches. I can't look at him.
I miss his scent, and his ears, and his voice, and his arms, and being close to him, and having him take care of me, and having him ask me ridiculous questions, having him tease me and grab my butt at inopportune moments, and his awful taste in movies, and his meticulous (anal-retentive?) approach to housework and vacation planning.
Woe is me. I'm going to have to be really really really strong this time to avoid crisis. I already feel the darkness coming. My voice gets smaller and smaller. My heart hurts.
but still. 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
take care of me
(((me)))
Posted by honeybee on June 10, 2006, at 12:06:04
In reply to husband leaving town :(, posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 10:41:42
Bah! Of course you're sad. When you've wrapped yourselves around one another's rhythms, how can you not patter offbeat for a while (in fact, the entire time), when your preference is to be together. That's a poor metaphor, but it must be hard to see him pack his bag and fly off into the beyond for another good long time.
I'm going to have to do that with my husband next month, too. He'll be gone for a month. My depression has been so difficult for the two of us that maybe it will be good for him to have a break from the crushing blow of it (every day) while I'm still not treated. You've made me think I need to go back on cymbalta! Seriously, it was a nice, pretty even drug when I started it. Not so bad, really, compared to the brain pummeling/cognition destroying depression.
Anyway, you're not alone, llrrrpp. In fact, my husband is away at work now, and that's why I'm here!
Feel better. I'm so glad that you can feel yourself improving. It will only get better.
honeybee
Posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 17:20:13
In reply to (((llrrrpp), posted by honeybee on June 10, 2006, at 12:06:04
thanks honeybee,
It is tough to be married to someone who's depressed. Part of me is happy that he doesn't see me at my worst. When I'm completely anxious, numb, paralyzed, weeping, crashed out on the couch for hours/days at a time. BUT, part of me is sad that he can't be there to scrape llrrrpp residue off of the floor after one of my crises. Well. I will try to take care of me tonight and tomorrow so that I won't get in a bad place.honeybee, are you seeing a therapist at all? It's really helping me, even though it's kinda unpleasant; my therapist gives me a lot of ideas about things that I can change. And interesting ways to come to terms with things that I can't change (like my past). Also helpful ways of dealing with husband in my depressed state...
Well, misery loves company. Darkness loves solitude... so keep in touch, even when you don't want any social contact. I enjoy hanging out on babble. the little emails I get help motivate me to get my sorry @ss out of bed and get my brain in gear.
Best wishes,
ll
Posted by honeybee on June 11, 2006, at 12:39:10
In reply to Re: (((llrrrpp) » honeybee, posted by llrrrpp on June 10, 2006, at 17:20:13
Yes, yes, and *yes* (she writes emphatically!). I agree with you, ll, it's difficult being depressed, and maybe even more difficult being married to someone who's depressed. It's been a real strain for my husband and I, especially because we're broke (he's working on his Ph.D. and we don't have much of an income). Dealing with the stress of figuring out my depression would be one thing; dealing with all the added stressors on top of that is another.
I took a trip in late May for two weeks to visit my parents. That was a start to give him a reprieve. And, then, doingthis field work that he's going to do for a month will get him out of his head and out of our life for a bit. Another reprieve. I care about him so much that it makes it difficult sometimes to figure whether or not my being around is worth it or not. You know how you sometimes want to protect those who you're closest to? When you're the problem, what do you do? (Especially when, as you've written in a previous post, depressed people need hugs!).
I am seeing a therapist now who I haven't figured out quite yet and don't know if I like. My brother is a therapist, as well, so there are some useful things the two of us talk about as far as making some practical changes in my life to mitigate the effects of the depression. It would be a kinder, gentler world, if these same things also improved my depression. Alas, they do not. But they probably do improve the lives of those around me, and mitigate the effects of my depression on them.
Anyway, one of the best things to note, though, is that the Cymbalta is working for you already and that, by the next time you see your husband, I would be that you're raring at 100%. Now *that* will be a nice surprise. Won't it?
xo, hb
Posted by llrrrpp on June 11, 2006, at 12:53:28
In reply to Re: (((llrrrpp), posted by honeybee on June 11, 2006, at 12:39:10
Well, honeybee,
I hope to be at 100%. I'm not sure that's realistic. I just settle for "better". I don't even know what 100% is, anymore. Depression is so insidious. What happened to get me here? Who can really say "when" it started, or "how" it started?One thing that is nice is that I had more energy on this visit, than when he saw me about 5 weeks ago. That time, I pretty much moaned on the couch for about 5 days straight. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want... well, there's a lot of things I didn't want. It was so hard on him. He only has been able to see me about 5 days a month since January. He really looks forward to seeing me. And then -- he doesn't really get to see me, just some approximation of the woman he married, in acute psychological and physical discomfort.
Well, I hope you get some stuff straightened out when your husband's off on his field trip. An opportunity to work on you, without interference (if you call hugs and foot rubs and home cooked meals "interference"). Well, having another person around naturally creates conflict and stress. So when our husbands are gone, we can really figure out how much of our illness is in our heads, and how much of it is some maladaptive pattern of interaction with our significant others.
keep in touch, honeybee- sounds like we can lean on eachother.
-ll
Posted by curtm on June 11, 2006, at 21:21:54
In reply to Re: (((llrrrpp) » honeybee, posted by llrrrpp on June 11, 2006, at 12:53:28
I sympathize with your separation with DH.
((((llrrrpp))))25 days, that's like waiting to open Christmas gifts in December. We spend the first 24 days anticipating the day to come and then we can open our presents. I'm sure DH is a wonderful "present."
Connor won't leave me alone right now, so I guess I'll have to come back later.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 11, 2006, at 21:58:53
In reply to Re: (((llrrrpp))), posted by curtm on June 11, 2006, at 21:21:54
haha- I should have an advent calendar with little rewards
some little treat for every day of separation.
hmmm. I guess I'll just settle for seroquel for now.
zZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZZZzzzzz......
Posted by honeybee on June 12, 2006, at 22:23:43
In reply to Re: (((llrrrpp))) » curtm, posted by llrrrpp on June 11, 2006, at 21:58:53
Zzzzzz isn't too bad! Sometimes, I rather prefer the dream world. Even when it doesn't make sense, it seems to have such a linear narrative. There's not as much confusing extraneous stuff--plus, I can fly.
Tonight was so nice. I went to the therapist this afternoon and he did some weird stuff to me (acupuncture, hemisync) and made some of the distortion/dissonance dissipate from my head (it's a weird kind of head-achy feeling). I don't know how. But when I walked home it was just a glimmer away from my old self. And I saw my husband sleeping (so I was hanging out with a friend in the interval), I felt like I could really see him and connect with him for the first time in so, so long. Sigh. It's so nice to have these windows of clarity.
Llrrrpp, of course we're shooting for 100% (as 100% as 100% can be with a memory of depression). I've got a very good feeling about you, ladykins. I really do.
big hugs.
hb
p.s. My friend who I saw tonight was showing me pictures he took when he was visiting his cousin in Damascus. Yowzers. That's a beautiful city. And did you know it's the most continuously lived in city in the world? Supposedly 7000 years. Well we're talking people, of course. Not just regular critters... : )
This is the end of the thread.
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