Psycho-Babble Relationships Thread 653700

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people can be so cold..please someone advise?:)

Posted by alesta on June 6, 2006, at 15:45:06

okay, i'm seeing this guy. and this other woman continually hits on him, and she knows i can even see it. it amazes me what ppl will do to other ppl. should i say something to her? let her know how it makes me feel, and that trying to steal my man or win him over is not something i particularly appreciate? i am beside myself with how some ppl will treat others. it is causing me great emotional pain. but i keep hoping that she will get what she gives..that it will catch up to her. i don't know what to do. if i don't do something, it will probably escalate. i need help here seriously...someone kind...? :) are you out there?

thank you,:)
amy

p.s. i am posting this at my own risk here, as i think my family might be reading these boards now.

 

Re: people can be so cold..please someone advise?:)

Posted by alesta on June 6, 2006, at 16:01:21

In reply to people can be so cold..please someone advise?:), posted by alesta on June 6, 2006, at 15:45:06

p.s. i just wanted to add that i know he is crazy about me and not the least bit interested, but still, ya know? i don't need it. what would you do?:)

 

Re: people can be so cold..please someone advise?: » alesta

Posted by llrrrpp on June 6, 2006, at 18:45:34

In reply to people can be so cold..please someone advise?:), posted by alesta on June 6, 2006, at 15:45:06

It's probably unproductive to confront the woman.

Ideally, we are confident in ourselves as women, and our relationships with our men that we don't feel jealousy. Jealousy comes from a hurting place. I know you've been hurt. I barely know you, but it sounds like you've been hurt a lot. The hurt is not your fault. so, it's not your fault that you can't live up to the ideal confidence that renders us immune to jealousy

What you *can* do is figure out where the hurt comes from, and try to learn to heal it, or at least protect it from the elements while it's healing. Can you talk to your guy about your hurt? Will he support you? Because if your guy takes your hurt seriously, it will help you a lot. In the meanwhile. Pity this woman. Pity the woman that is so insecure and so inconsiderate that she throws her love around so casually.

If she really has a crush on your guy, and he doesn't respond to her, then she will lose interest. If she doesn't know that your guy is with you, HE should be the one to say something to her. Do you trust him to say this?

Also, this uncomfortable triangle really serves to pull your focus away from the connection that you have with your guy. I'm going to assume that you're not being paranoid and thinking that she's flirting with him when she's really just being friendly. Things may go wrong in any relationship. Are you using her as a scapegoat, instead of putting in real work to strengthen the connection between you and him?

If things escalate, you should break it up with the guy. Tell him that he doesn't deserve your love, because he wasn't true to you. And that's REAL, alesta, because you deserve someone who can look at a girl flirting with him and ignore her, brush her off, and feel honest enough with you to tell you about when it happens.

I'm really sorry if these are harsh words. I am only trying to help. I haven't been in your situation, as I'm not really one for jealousy and I'm also not one to go throwing my affections and flirtations around casually. I did get into trouble once when someone thought I was over-friendly. The guy told me, and I was extra careful to watch myself. Why? because I was friends with him, and I wanted him to be in a satisfying relationship.

yours,
-llrrrpp

 

Re: people can be so cold..please someone advise?:) » alesta

Posted by ClearSkies on June 7, 2006, at 7:39:35

In reply to people can be so cold..please someone advise?:), posted by alesta on June 6, 2006, at 15:45:06

Llrrrp has some excellent advice, Alesta. A discussion with your bf about the woman's attentions might be difficult but necessary.

I dislike headgames so much!!

 

Re: people can be so cold..please someone advise?:

Posted by Jost on June 9, 2006, at 22:29:46

In reply to people can be so cold..please someone advise?:), posted by alesta on June 6, 2006, at 15:45:06

I'm also wondering if your boyfriend has clearly--although of course not rudely-- let her know that her flirtation isn't welcome?

I'm not one to be jealous--but also my SO never gives me the least reason to be so--- and while I guess people can be jealous for internal reasons, even with someone who's beyond reproach, there could be some way that your bf isn't being clear enough with this woman.


I wonder if what's troubling you is possibly that you feel disrespected by her, and possibly have a tendency to feel disrespected?

I say that because I've had that-- and it often mistakenly puts my fragile ego and low self-esteem into a picture where they aren't. A picture in which people are acting in a way because that's how they act. And that this has nothing whatever to do with their respect or lack of it for me. (I mean yeah--if I were Donald Trump, they'd probably be more careful, but outside of that, it's pretty undifferentiated-- as to my worthiness of respect.)

That feeling of finding disrespect in situations can eat away at you. So if it is that, it would help you so much more to work on that-- and realize that she's a trigger, but not really the cause, and to know that this woman's actions, though insensitive, have more to do with how she treats/views people and less (and also unknowably) with how she views you as you--

(Sorry if I'm mistakenly projecting my own psychology into you)

Jost

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Re: people can be so cold..please someone advise?: » Jost

Posted by alesta on June 14, 2006, at 13:15:54

In reply to Re: people can be so cold..please someone advise?:, posted by Jost on June 9, 2006, at 22:29:46

hiya jost:)
i really appreciate your kindness and thoughts in writing that....i spose i haven't been treated well a lot...i have had a serious penchant for abusive relationships, although not by conscious choice.

pleased to meet you...i am not around much lately....and trying to return my full attentions to nonbabble life right now. but, i really appreciate your input. sorry for being so brief...i have tons of stress right now so i'm trying to keep everything cool and moderate my energies properly.


take good care,:-)
amy


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