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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LJRen on October 29, 2006, at 16:02:05
I just made a 6 month communication hiatus with my closest friend today. He had stopped returning my phone calls, emails, & IMs about 5 weeks ago. He did send me 2 brief emails during that time stating he was sorting through some stuff and couldn't be my friend right now.
Considering the closeness of our friendship,how open I am with him about myself, and my emotional instability, it was too vague for me to handle. Never in the 12 years I've known him has he ever purposely ignored me. It's not like him to be so disrepectful. And over the days & weeks it was driving me crazy not knowing what was going on or why he couldn't even say "hi" to me on AIM.
I could feel my insecurities growing more out of control by the day. I recognized the psycho type thoughts of tracking him down to confront him face to face. I forced those thoughts from my head. But I couldn't resist reaching out through emails. Wed last week, I sent him a letter spelling it out for him how much it was hurting me that he was ignoring me. Told him I wanted to give him his space but now knowing if or when I'd speak to him again was driving me crazy. I asked him to please call, but over the next 4 days, I didn't hear from him.
So today, I sent a phone text message saying I wasn't emotionally equipped to handle his silent trip game and that it wouldn't kill him to call me. Told him to grow a pair & acknowledge that I exist. Said to be a man and talk to me and then I might go away.
Well, it worked b/c he finally called this afternoon. His goal has been to start his own business but it hasn't gone well b/c of depression & lack of motivation due to 3 years of not working. He said he's been trying to get his act together & to do that he needs to eliminate all stress & drama from his life. And since I lean on him a great deal for emotional support I tend to bring a lot of drama into his life. (Talk about feeling guilty about turning to your friends when you're feeling depressed.) And now, after witnessing my crazy emails & IMs it has made him feel strange and uncomfortable. He's not too sure about staying friends. I told him after being completely ignored like that, I wasn't too sure myself. But that we're both obviously not in very good places right now causing us to act inappropriatly. So I said let's give it 6 months. No calls, no emails, nothing. And then see where each of us is then.
I want to feel like that was a mature thing to do. But down deep, I feel like I'm just continuing to manipulate. I had to manipulate, cry, & fight just to get him to call. And I hate that. I don't like being manipulative. I want to be able to just ask for what I want.
I'm trying to relax now. I'm trying to put my mind & my heart at ease. I'm aware now & understand what's going on. But I'm scared. I want to live up to my deal and leave him alone for that long. I'm just not feeling very strong right now. This is so hard b/c he means so much to me, but I know I don't mean as much to him. I don't mean that much to anyone. Feeling disposable is such a wonderful thing.
Ren
Posted by Jost on October 30, 2006, at 22:51:18
In reply to Can I do this?, posted by LJRen on October 29, 2006, at 16:02:05
I'm sad to hear that your friend doesn't feel he can be there for you right now.
I'm not sure what his motivations are, or why exactly he decided to pull back-- but I can only imagine how difficult that must be.
You should feel proud of what you did. I don't think it's manipulative for you to have insisted on some closure, for the moment-- enough information about what was going on, for you to make the decision that you made.
It's decent and respectful of you to do that for him-- and shows a lot of self-respect and thought-- and yes-- I do think you can.
It's going to be really difficult especially at first. I don't know what to suggest-- really-- other than perhaps getting involved with people-- either volunteering, joining a group, taking a class-- reaching out to others in some way.
The one thing you might want to avoid is sitting at home, wishing you could talk to him.
Even if you have to go out and sit in a cafe and have a decaf coffee with a computer or a book-- or sit in the library-- or go to the gym. Try to keep busy for a while-- I know it can be very hard if you're depressed-- but maybe there's something you enjoy, a little.
Over time, I think it'll get easier. And you might meet some new friends-- or even just interesting acquaintances. Have an adventure-- who knows? (Might sound farfetched right now-- but it could happen... maybe)
Jost
Posted by LJRen on October 31, 2006, at 11:03:45
In reply to Re: Can I do this?, posted by Jost on October 30, 2006, at 22:51:18
Thank you, Jost. I really appreciate your feedback.
> I'm sad to hear that your friend doesn't feel he can be there for you right now.
>He has been there for me on thousands of occasions & has always been a pillar. I can't count the number of hours he's spent on the phone listening to me cry, whine, etc over the years. His sense of humor always brings me out of whatever funk I'm in. Plus, he doesn't have a judgemental bone in his body so he's always able to offer a different perspective on things that I just can't see on my own.
> I'm not sure what his motivations are, or why exactly he decided to pull back-- but I can only imagine how difficult that must be.
>For the first time ever, he's got his own issues. Quit his job 3 years ago and hasn't really worked since. He's been trying to start his own business but lack of motivation & depression are holding him back. I've tried being there for him, tried politely nudging, helped design marketing flyers and logos. But after getting cursed at once for nudging apparently too hard, I backed off and he's been going down hill ever since. And even though I'm an expert on depression, he won't listen me. He's obviously got to do this all on his own. I realize though that at this time, with what he's dealing with, he doesn't need to deal w/ my issues as well. He's been there for me plenty. He deserves some time off so he can work on himself.
I wish he would turn to me for help, but to be honest, I'm probably not strong enough to be of great benefit to him. Him pulling away made my insecurities flare up so much it scared me. Made me realized how dependent I am on him and that needs to change. So I have my own work to do as well.
> You should feel proud of what you did. I don't think it's manipulative for you to have insisted on some closure, for the moment-- enough information about what was going on, for you to make the decision that you made.
>
> It's decent and respectful of you to do that for him-- and shows a lot of self-respect and thought-- and yes-- I do think you can.
>Thank you, it's nice to hear the positive feedback. Something I just can't seem to get from my mother.
> It's going to be really difficult especially at first. I don't know what to suggest-- really-- other than perhaps getting involved with people-- either volunteering, joining a group, taking a class-- reaching out to others in some way.
>
> The one thing you might want to avoid is sitting at home, wishing you could talk to him.
>Yes, once I'm feeling a little stronger, I do plan on pursuing something. Oil painting or dance classes. My work & sleep schedule don't provide for a whole lot of free time but I'll figure something out.
Right now what helps in keeping me from wanting to talk to him is thinking about what he's done. Anyone who can shut someone out like that w/ barely a word is either a real jerk or real screwed up. So why would I want to associate with either? My hope is that in 6 months we'll both be healthier people and can go back to being friends w/o hurting each other.
Thanks again,
Ren
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