![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Basia on November 5, 2006, at 3:18:30
Hi
I met a guy on a dating website over the summer, we emailed for a while and finally met in late August. We see each other most weekends, but I am getting really uncomfortable with the lack of contact with him during the week. He never texts me, I am always the one to initiate contact. He also says he really doesn't like the phone, so if we do talk on the phone it is for two minutes max! Within the space of two months he has changed from being super-keen to quite distant.
I also have a mental health problem (bipolar) that he doesn't know about. He knows I have suffered from depression but I never went into the specifics. He says that mental illness freaks him out in general as he had a girlfriend who had big behavioural problems and a diagnosis. I may have a diagnosis but I have no behaviour issues. This makes me wonder about our long-term potential.
I am getting really frustrated as I don't know how to broach the issue of 'us' with him. Should I say 'I feel that you're not interested', 'where do you see us going?' or just let it peter out, which would be difficult? Or should I just leave him since this is making me more unhappy?
He is not bad to me, he is quite sweet. He just seems to always need things on his own terms.Any advice much appreciated!
Posted by Jost on November 5, 2006, at 11:28:28
In reply to Need advice !, posted by Basia on November 5, 2006, at 3:18:30
Basia, you don't say what it's like on the weekends, or what type of relationship you have with him, so far.
Have you spoken about commitment? or whether he's seeing other women?
My instinct would be to talk about it-- and get some answers. If the relationship would peter out if you didn't initiate, you probably wouldn't be happy in the longterm.
Whatever his way of being in a relationship--and I"m really guessing-- it may be rather passive yet controlling (the two ways he treats you, in different spheres)-- ie finding someone who will pursue him and also accept his definition of how things should be-- He seems to be keeping you on the hook, a bit, controlling access, being available in an intermittant, and uncertain way.
I don't know if you'd be comfortable with that. It's not that you couldn't be--it might depend on whether he's more flexible, or how much you really value his other qualities. Even at this stage, you're picking up how he organizes his emotions and the kind of distance, and level of involvement that he's comfortable with. At least, that's my guess.
Jost
Posted by Basia on November 5, 2006, at 11:44:52
In reply to Re: Need advice !, posted by Jost on November 5, 2006, at 11:28:28
Hi Jost
You're absolutely right. I also took control of the situation by ending it this morning. I explained that i wasn't happy being in a sexual relationship and feeling so insecure about his commitment as well. As I may have mentioned, he had issues with the fact that i take medication and i explained that that wasn't i needed from a prospective long-term boyfriend. We parted on amicable terms and decided to remain in touch as friends. I had such a sense of relief, it was like being reborn!
Thanks so much for your wise words...
Posted by Jost on November 5, 2006, at 15:39:15
In reply to Re: Need advice ! » Jost, posted by Basia on November 5, 2006, at 11:44:52
Congratulations, Basia, on taking the initiative, and also taking care of yourself.
I'm glad you ended things amicably, at this early stage, and kept a good feeling about him and how you were together.
It's hard to let relationships go-- but in the long term, if there's some basic lack of connection, it saves you a lot of pain.
Hope to see you around here.
Jost
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.