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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wildflower on December 28, 2006, at 16:57:14
For one reason or another, I've never had a traditional (aka "normal") relationship and my parents weren't the best role models. Could someone out there please tell me the acceptable amount of fighting that occurs in a happy/secure relationship? I'm not talking about violent fights, more like disagreements that may last a day or two.
I was once told that if a couple agreed on everything, it was doomed from the start. Someone would always be giving in and that person would implode one day for not standing up for their opinion. Now I'm confused...
What exactly is the acceptable range? One disagreement every week/month?
I'm seriously considering moving in with someone and I'm terrified that I may make the wrong decision. He lives across the country... Maybe I'm just trying to talk my commitaphobic self out of it. Help!
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 29, 2006, at 0:48:53
In reply to How much fighting is too much?, posted by Wildflower on December 28, 2006, at 16:57:14
I've been married over 30 years. We do disagree. Never really counted how much! No yelling or fights though. We have the same basic core beliefs, desires, and goals. I think that is very important.
Don't really know you and don't know the guy so I would just say go slow and be careful. Especially with a move across country. Is marriage in the picture? How well do you know him?
MidnightBlue
Posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 7:24:09
In reply to How much fighting is too much?, posted by Wildflower on December 28, 2006, at 16:57:14
> For one reason or another, I've never had a traditional (aka "normal") relationship and my parents weren't the best role models. Could someone out there please tell me the acceptable amount of fighting that occurs in a happy/secure relationship? I'm not talking about violent fights, more like disagreements that may last a day or two.
I think different people have different thresholds about acceptable amounts of fighting. Some people feel happy and secure despite lots of shouting and screaming (typically they enjoy the making-up part of the fight, which occurs in the bedroom). Other people can’t feel secure with more than very occasional conflict. What’s acceptable to you?
> I was once told that if a couple agreed on everything, it was doomed from the start. Someone would always be giving in and that person would implode one day for not standing up for their opinion. Now I'm confused...
My parents argued precisely twice when I was a kid. I don’t remember the first time, but I’ve been told about it. The second time I was 15 and they argued loudly for hours. I was sure they were heading for the divorce courts, but everything seemed fine the next day. Having said that, their relationship wasn’t very healthy in some ways; the reason they never argued was because my mother was frightened of my father’s anger. After much therapy they seemed to figure things out and now they argue more often but less explosively.
> What exactly is the acceptable range? One disagreement every week/month?It depends how you handle conflict. When things are going well between me and my husband we usually don’t let disagreements escalate into full scale fights. If one of us is grumpy the other one will apologise for causing offence. But on the other hand when things are going badly in our relationship we scream at each other several times a day. Somehow we must find this acceptable because we haven’t split up. Having said that, I personally can’t tolerate being told I’m lazy or stupid or useless and if fights go that way I really do consider leaving him (I left once, overnight, and he talked me into coming back the next day).
> I'm seriously considering moving in with someone and I'm terrified that I may make the wrong decision. He lives across the country... Maybe I'm just trying to talk my commitaphobic self out of it. Help!
I think the biggest problem is when people have very different ways of dealing with conflict. If one of you would rather bite your tongue than argue and the other one would prefer to clear the air when there’s a disagreement, then things could get quite difficult. The conflict-averse person will feel under constant attack and the conflict-embracer will feel inhibited and frustrated.
I honestly don’t think it’s a question of quantity of arguments; it’s much more important to be able to deal with your partner’s style of dealing with conflict and to feel that they can accept your style.
Just my two cents.
Posted by Wildflower on December 29, 2006, at 17:05:53
In reply to Re: How much fighting is too much?, posted by MidnightBlue on December 29, 2006, at 0:48:53
I've known him a few years and we do have the same basic core beliefs, desires, and goals but he tends to be very optimistic while I am the pessimist. I do worry about how my depression will affect our future. It seems that we disagree about what's best for my condition. Those who are fortunate enough not to have depression have a very hard time understanding that you can't just snap out of it.
Posted by Wildflower on December 29, 2006, at 17:13:17
In reply to Re: How much fighting is too much? » Wildflower, posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 7:24:09
> I think different people have different thresholds about acceptable amounts of fighting. Some people feel happy and secure despite lots of shouting and screaming (typically they enjoy the making-up part of the fight, which occurs in the bedroom). Other people can’t feel secure with more than very occasional conflict. What’s acceptable to you?
I hate drama so I tend to be pretty easy going unless I deem the situation "conflict-worthy". If it's a fundamental topic that will affect our future, than it is worth standing my ground. If it's a fight about not taking the garbage out, I have better ways to spend my time.
> It depends how you handle conflict.
I think you're absolutely right! Maybe it's not about the quantity of fights but the matter in which they are dealt with.
> I personally can’t tolerate being told I’m lazy or stupid or useless and if fights go that way I really do consider leaving him (I left once, overnight, and he talked me into coming back the next day).
Lazy and stupid? Yep, I've had those arguments too. They aren't easy to deal with.
Posted by MidnightBlue on December 29, 2006, at 18:26:10
In reply to Re: How much fighting is too much? » MidnightBlue, posted by Wildflower on December 29, 2006, at 17:05:53
Well, I think that could be a problem. I mean, if he doesn't take your depression seriously. You really need someone who will be supportive.
You say you disagree about what is best for your condition. Assuming you are going to a good doctor and/or counselor and that your boyfriend isn't either a doctor or counselor, that would cause me to have second thoughts.
He is probably a wonderful guy, but unless he is willing to try and understand your point of view it could be difficult. I fully understand that you can't just snap out of it. You need to be sure he understands that, too.
MidnightBlue
Posted by karen_kay on December 31, 2006, at 10:11:34
In reply to Re: How much fighting is too much?, posted by MidnightBlue on December 29, 2006, at 0:48:53
congratulations! wowsa! i know who to go to now for relationship advice (lucky, aren't you?).
Posted by LJRen on December 31, 2006, at 11:04:02
In reply to Re: How much fighting is too much? » MidnightBlue, posted by Wildflower on December 29, 2006, at 17:05:53
> I've known him a few years and we do have the same basic core beliefs, desires, and goals but he tends to be very optimistic while I am the pessimist. I do worry about how my depression will affect our future. It seems that we disagree about what's best for my condition. Those who are fortunate enough not to have depression have a very hard time understanding that you can't just snap out of it.
Keep in mind, the same thing can be said for the vice versa. I can only dream of seeing the world through the eyes of a nondepressed, optimistic person. I haven't a clue what that would be like. I find A LOT of communication of each view point is helpful. The more that each party can understand where the other is coming from, the better.To help him understand better that one does not simply snap out of depression, have you tried explaining to him that depression is not like having a cold or the flu? You just don't wait it out until the bug has run its course and then you're all better. Unfortunately, due to chemical imbalances, it's more an altered or negatively warped state of mind that puts a spin on your view of the world to the point where a lot or most of the good is kinda blacked out. I've termed it 'depression vision' and by reminding myself of this it kinda keeps me from beating myself up all the time for being so negative. But with help of meds & an optimist, our vision can be partially restored.
About your condition, though. The way I see, it is just YOUR condition. Not his, or yours together. While someone can appreciate another's input, it is still that individual person's body, their mind, therefore it really is up to them to figure out/decide whats best for themselves.
Just my 2 bits worth.
Ren
Posted by BiPolarLen on April 4, 2007, at 14:02:35
In reply to Re: How much fighting is too much? » Wildflower, posted by Tamar on December 29, 2006, at 7:24:09
My relationship in most ways mirrors mine, but with us it was several times that told my wife to "get out" since you covered the hurtful words, there no need to repeat. My wife had enough and left, of course now, I am waking up.
The only advice at this stage is really tried to get your hubsand to listen, if he won't or will not like myself. Then explain what going on with counselor, but make sure they understand the syptoms and signs of the disorder. Otherwise, they can give the wrong advice. go to marriage counseling, too.
> > For one reason or another, I've never had a traditional (aka "normal") relationship and my parents weren't the best role models. Could someone out there please tell me the acceptable amount of fighting that occurs in a happy/secure relationship? I'm not talking about violent fights, more like disagreements that may last a day or two.
>
> I think different people have different thresholds about acceptable amounts of fighting. Some people feel happy and secure despite lots of shouting and screaming (typically they enjoy the making-up part of the fight, which occurs in the bedroom). Other people can’t feel secure with more than very occasional conflict. What’s acceptable to you?
>
> > I was once told that if a couple agreed on everything, it was doomed from the start. Someone would always be giving in and that person would implode one day for not standing up for their opinion. Now I'm confused...
>
> My parents argued precisely twice when I was a kid. I don’t remember the first time, but I’ve been told about it. The second time I was 15 and they argued loudly for hours. I was sure they were heading for the divorce courts, but everything seemed fine the next day. Having said that, their relationship wasn’t very healthy in some ways; the reason they never argued was because my mother was frightened of my father’s anger. After much therapy they seemed to figure things out and now they argue more often but less explosively.
>
> > What exactly is the acceptable range? One disagreement every week/month?
>
> It depends how you handle conflict. When things are going well between me and my husband we usually don’t let disagreements escalate into full scale fights. If one of us is grumpy the other one will apologise for causing offence. But on the other hand when things are going badly in our relationship we scream at each other several times a day. Somehow we must find this acceptable because we haven’t split up. Having said that, I personally can’t tolerate being told I’m lazy or stupid or useless and if fights go that way I really do consider leaving him (I left once, overnight, and he talked me into coming back the next day).
>
> > I'm seriously considering moving in with someone and I'm terrified that I may make the wrong decision. He lives across the country... Maybe I'm just trying to talk my commitaphobic self out of it. Help!
>
> I think the biggest problem is when people have very different ways of dealing with conflict. If one of you would rather bite your tongue than argue and the other one would prefer to clear the air when there’s a disagreement, then things could get quite difficult. The conflict-averse person will feel under constant attack and the conflict-embracer will feel inhibited and frustrated.
>
> I honestly don’t think it’s a question of quantity of arguments; it’s much more important to be able to deal with your partner’s style of dealing with conflict and to feel that they can accept your style.
>
> Just my two cents.
>
Posted by BiPolarLen on April 4, 2007, at 14:09:25
In reply to Re: How much fighting is too much? » Wildflower, posted by LJRen on December 31, 2006, at 11:04:02
Ren I do disagree with the statement that it is yours and not his. It may be hers, but they are in this together. One effects the other. I know at times, that I wish I had listen to my other half when told me how i was acting or something was arise. Maybe it would have save the relationship.
just my 2 bits
> > I've known him a few years and we do have the same basic core beliefs, desires, and goals but he tends to be very optimistic while I am the pessimist. I do worry about how my depression will affect our future. It seems that we disagree about what's best for my condition. Those who are fortunate enough not to have depression have a very hard time understanding that you can't just snap out of it.
>
>
> Keep in mind, the same thing can be said for the vice versa. I can only dream of seeing the world through the eyes of a nondepressed, optimistic person. I haven't a clue what that would be like. I find A LOT of communication of each view point is helpful. The more that each party can understand where the other is coming from, the better.
>
> To help him understand better that one does not simply snap out of depression, have you tried explaining to him that depression is not like having a cold or the flu? You just don't wait it out until the bug has run its course and then you're all better. Unfortunately, due to chemical imbalances, it's more an altered or negatively warped state of mind that puts a spin on your view of the world to the point where a lot or most of the good is kinda blacked out. I've termed it 'depression vision' and by reminding myself of this it kinda keeps me from beating myself up all the time for being so negative. But with help of meds & an optimist, our vision can be partially restored.
>
> About your condition, though. The way I see, it is just YOUR condition. Not his, or yours together. While someone can appreciate another's input, it is still that individual person's body, their mind, therefore it really is up to them to figure out/decide whats best for themselves.
>
> Just my 2 bits worth.
> Ren
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